Twin Peaks “Demons” Episode 14

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Last year marked the return of one of the greatest games ever made and yes, I know this is supposed to be an article about Skyri… I mean, Twin Peaks but bear with me because this is absolutely crucial to the article as a whole.

Where was I? Oh yeah, what is the greatest game ever made? Doom of course and 2016 marked our return to Hell with the release of a fresh take on the old and classic Doom by id Software. Whereas the latest Doom paid homage to literally everything that made the original Doom’ Doom there was another entry in this franchise that completely fucked it up and I’m talking about the 2005 movie; Doom. Starring The Rock and Karl Urban, Doom (2005) lacked one basic requirement and that is fucking Demons from Hell!!

Yeah, “Demons”… like, the name of… this particular episode of Twin Peaks… see, I told you it was totally crucial to this article. I guess you think that I totally wasted those 139 words but you know what? My article. Deal with it.

The question is; are there any demons in this episode and without giving too much away, yeah. In the non-Doom sense of the word?! There aren’t any big pink shaved gorillas with massive horns and they don’t make camel orgasm sounds when killed, nope we’re talking about the classic definition of the word; “Demon”. One, that inhabits a host to do their bidding… and it’s this episode where we’re formally introduced to Mike.

The episode begins where we last left off. Harold Smith is going crazy with a small little garden tool. He’s slashed his face in front of Donna and Maddy and it seems he’s about to attack them both when James bursts in and rescues these two dumbasses.
Donna drops Laura’s Secret Diary and yet again her stupid agenda has been foiled! Maybe give up on being a detective, Donna, it suits you as much as your crappy meals on wheels gillet from a few episodes ago!

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As Donna and James have a little hug in front Maddy, Harold escapes into his orchid sanctuary and starts watering his flowers… then he nearly goes “full on David Kessler” and howls at the moon. Creedence Clearwater Revival starts playing and he convulses in abject agony, suddenly his hands become rubber prosthetics and his entire body sprouts fur… actually this doesn’t happen but it almost does. Harold Smith actor’ Lenny von Dohlen does howl as if he were transforming into a lycanthrope and we all know that if he were to, then he’d gain no benefits from sleeping… well, by Skyrim logic anyway!

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So while Harold turns into his “Final Form” (registered trademark of Toei Animation and Akira Toriyama) we’re treated to the left overs of the opening sequence. I guess they wanted to build mood? Anyway, we watch the last of the credits and then finally Cooper returns Audrey to Twin Peaks.

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They’ve taken refuge in the Bookhouse and Cooper puts her to bed because heroin overdoses usually require a decent night’s sleep in order fully get out of your system. That, and happy thoughts! As soon as Audrey sees Cooper she decides not to roll over and die… I’m thankful for the end of this “missing Audrey” sub plot but unfortunately her character will never be as good as “season one Audrey”, “season 3 Audrey”… well, I suppose I’ll have to write about that in a couple of years, so be sure to check that out… in a couple of years…

Meanwhile…

Back at the Sheriff’s Department, Truman is flicking through facebook… well, his book of faces… mugshots. It’s a book full of faces so it’s “facebook”… it was a good, timely, contemporary joke because it’s funny that facebook didn’t exist in the early 90’s and now whenever you see a show from before and a character is looking at a book of mugshots… you can call it a; “facebook”.
“Funny!” Etc.
Anyway, the good Sheriff has found Jean Renault’s face in his “facebook” and he “likes” that he’s found him. Get it? “Likes”… thumbs up?
… Fuck it.

Cooper is disappointed in himself because he left his jurisdiction and Audrey ended up getting hurt. Utilising his particular skill in deductive reasoning, he concludes that Jean Renault wants revenge on the capture and eventual death of Jacques Renault… good thing Jean is completely oblivious to Leland’s involvement otherwise we’d have a Jean Vs. Leland showdown… man, that sounds kinda cool! Why’d that not happen?

Later at the Great Northern, Cooper returns Ben Horne’s ransom money and informs him that Audrey is safe… well, she’s recovering from a heroin overdose but it’s okay because of “TV logic”. Ben seems more interested in the money than that of his kin but what do you expect from Benjamin Horne, the guy is a classic-capitalist’ thunder-cunt.
Cooper also informs him that Blackie was murdered by Jean Renault and Ben couldn’t act any less sincere if he tried. Basically, it’s blatantly obvious that Ben Horne is up to no good but Cooper shrugs this off as; “hey, the guy’s a prick. What can you do?”

We catch up with Bobby and Shelly. An insurance salesman that looks like the dad of the guy who played that psychiatrist in Terminator 1 and 2… and 3 is congratulating the pair on being compassionate human-beings while cashing in on an invalid who has needs akin to an 8 month old baby. Shelly is not impressed when she discovers that Bobby’s plan to rake in $5000 a month in some pipe dream carer’s allowance doesn’t exactly come into fruition. Instead they’re going to rake in $100 a month… and she’s had to quit her job in the Double R Diner… I’m sure she’ll never work there again!

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Oh…

Anyway, back at the Sheriff’s Department and Truman is talking to Donna about Harold Smith. You see, she’s insistent that Smith has something to do with Laura’s death or at the very least, he’s got information in the secret diary that could lead them to finding out the killer’s identity.
While Truman is concerned that Donna’s inability to keep away from the Laura Palmer case could lead to further ramifications (like Dr. Jacoby ended up in hospital) we’re introduced to Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole, one of the best characters in Twin Peaks and Cole just so happens to be portrayed by David Lynch. Yep, David Lynch. You may have heard of him?

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I’ve been a fan of David Lynch since the first time I lied about seeing Eraserhead. he’s known to be quite the surrealist and it makes sense for him to appear in show like Twin Peaks. In fact, it’s a welcome surprise considering how “Lynchian” this show actually is! Obviously the production company knew that their IP shared many elements that David Lynch is renowned for. Kudos on whomever brought this guy in because David Lynch and Twin Peaks seem to fit, for some reason? I just hope his character sticks around because without him the show is just a sackful of farm yard animals sculpted out of shit and while fun and intriguing it’s still a sack. Full. Of. Shit.

Anyway, Gordon Cole is here in all his deaf-as-fuck glory and he is certainly a fun addition to the already extensive list of characters. So when Dale Cooper and Gordon Cole meet on screen for the first time we’re treated to their cornball charm, it’s light and fun and yet the plot moves forward. We learn that Cooper’s would-be assassin was wearing a vicuna coat… yeah, I totally Googled it and those coats are pretty expensive. Google images was mostly pictures of women’s coats, the kind worn by dicks. So, Cooper must’ve been shot by a wealthy woman. I wonder who?

Unfortunately Cooper wasn’t there to hear this bit of info, Cole’s relaying it to Truman who is too blinded by his lust for a certain dodgy and suspicious character.
Cole also informs Truman that the drug that Phillip Gerard left behind was a total mystery, they’re not sure what it is. Also, the papers that were found near the train carriage where Laura was murdered was from a diary… probably Laura’s diary? I’m just taking stabs at the dark, here. But I have a feeling they might be from her diary?
Then, what do you know?! Hawk has found Phillip Gerard!

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So where’s Coop? Oh just taking Ben Horne to visit his recovering drugged up daughter, must be Tuesday!
Yeah, Audrey is totally sick of her father’s shit and you can practically hear the cogs turning in Cooper’s brain. What’s the Bookhouse, anyway? There’s a load of sick Harley’s outside, all polished to fuck but then again, that’s kinda what you do with a Harley, right? I could ask my father? He’s just bought one… finding out… that he done that? I now know what it must feel like for a really conservative, Bible-bashing father to find out that their son is gay.
Yet, it’s a sick bike! But it’s a Harley… sometimes life can be so conflicting!

Talking about being conflicted, Big Ed’s a prime example. Nadine’s returned, dressed as a school girl and she’s just burst into her home where Big Ed looks more lost than he’s ever been. Hey, it’s a little light humour before we visit Josie Packard and we’re left to assume that Mak Takano raped her… his character, not Mak Takano… what’s he called? Jonathan, I think? Anyway, Josie is basically ordered to return back to Hong Kong, where Mak Takano… is… from? Maybe he’s playing a Chinese character? Like how Piper Laurie is playing a Japanese businessman?
Anyway, Mak Takano has given Josie an ultimatum. They’re leaving TONIGHT! DER DU DUM!

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Another character supposedly leaving is Maddy and she’s met up with James to regurgitate wisdom like the Bob-fodder she is. It’s touching and it feels like some plot threads are being tied up and funnily enough the next scene is fairly familiar is context. Josie, fresh from being totalled Takanoed has become right entitled bitch, she wants her money. She always wants money! It’s her favourite fucking thing on planet earth! So, she allows Ben to sleaze all over her because a) he’s got her money, apparently and b) she’s a bit a of a garbage character. Seriously, she’s such a dumping ground for plot threads it’s no surprise that she SPOILER ALERT… Tā de línghún bèi kùn zài mùtou shàng.
Anyway, Ben tries to blackmail Josie and is turn, Josie pulls the double blackmail on him. They’re at a serious impasse and so Ben cheekily gives her a cheque for a bezquillion dollars, she seems content and Ben chomps down on his cigar, “Well played.” Punctuated by a nice little pout. Nice Ben, nice.
Yeah, the cheque was originally from Mr. Tojamura… see! She is a dumping ground for plot threads! Poor, dumb Josie.

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We catch up with Bobby and Shelly as they’re throwing a child’s birthday in honour of Leo Johnson, it’s a massive middle-finger to Bobby’s would-be murderer and Shelly’s abuser. It’s then that I notice the bottle in Bobby’s hand…

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See, he’s got a bottle that is contemporary to the year it was filmed. Who’d have guessed, hey!?
The scene concludes with slapstick humour but there’s also a little bit of horror and it’s more than just a little bit creepy. Bobby and Shelly were literally about to fuck in front of the brain damaged husband… that takes cuckolding to a whole new level!

Shelly freaks out when she notices Leo almost looking at them, the dude’s wearing fucking wayfarers. You can’t see his eyes! Just do it! Oh well, they don’t and the scene ends like all good children’s birthdays should; the cake gets destroyed and the adults laugh about it.

Finally Cole and Cooper meet for the first time in the series and this is one brilliant moment. We’re introduced to Cole’s elaborate code phrases, in this case; Cooper looks like a small Mexican chihuahua. Whatever that means? It doesn’t really matter because it’s Cole’s little NLP-schtick, it’s a planted seed in your memory where you just gotta ask; “What’s this about a small Mexican chihuahua?”
He hands Cooper a letter, a chess move from a character that we have not met yet.
Also, the actor has not appeared in any iteration of Star Trek so… I just wasted 5 minutes of my life looking that up.

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The Sheriff ends up getting mega-intercontinental-cock-blocked by Mak Takano. Josie is fucking off back to Hong Kong and leaving Truman with nothing but memories of that time he slept with that Asian girl. The one with the dubious past? Her late husband’s death was quite suspicious and she is prone to disappearing and she wants her money… Jesus, Harry. She leaves and Harry is stuck looking like a some kind of mug / tit.

Next up, Ben Horne is chatting with Mr. Tojamura, otherwise known as the Japanese Giorgio Moroder.

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Anyway, I usually gloss over the whole Ben, Catharine Martell, Ghostwood stuff and yeah, I’m going to gloss over it now.
Next we have Leland Palmer singing that song from the King and I.
Little did audiences know at the time but episodes of Twin Peaks would end up having a lot of musical numbers in 2017.
Imagine being a time traveller and going back in time to tell a fan in 1991, “episodes of Twin Peaks will have a lot of music”.
“Really? Wow, what? Like, Twin Peaks will continue through to 2017?”
You could totally fuck with people’s expectations.

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Anyway, Gerard’s being interrogated by Cooper, Sheriff Truman and Hawk. Cole is on standby with a sedative. Apparently, Phillip Gerard needs his drugs but Cooper doesn’t want to give him the medication that the one armed man desperately wants.
He convulses in his chair and the sound design is great, Gerard’s breathing sounds deeper, reverberates as if in a cave. Somewhere else.
Then Cooper comes face to face with Mike. The man that appeared in his dream; “Through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see.”
If you recalled from episode 3: The first two minutes of Cooper’s dream sequence focuses mostly on the man with one arm. He’s speaking cryptically about a tattoo he had on his left arm, how he met the face of God and he speaks of Bob.
“One chance out between two worlds, fire walk with me.”

Mike informs Cooper of things that he already knows but wasn’t sure of before. It is then that he informs Cooper that Bob is a parasite that requires a human host, that he has been on this earth for 40 years… probably born out from a nuclear explosion or something, I dunno?! Anyway, Cooper asks Mike where Bob is now and according to Mike he’s in “a large house… made of wood. Surrounded by trees. The house is filled with many rooms. Each alike, but inhabited by different souls, night after night.” Sounds like a hotel?

Gadzooks!!! BOB IS… LOUIE BUDWAY!

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Heart of Dark Star Trek – My plot predictions and other stuff.

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It’s been a while since my last review but fear not, I’ve got my latest Twin Peaks semi-analysis (mostly conjecture and tangents) nearly in the bag. ‘Just got the third act of that particular episode and then I’m done. Apologies. I’ve been visiting old southern French villages, looking for Captain Picard’s ancestors and you know what? I think I know why Jean-Luc Picard (despite being apparently French) has an English accent?

France is a country on the verge of losing its cultural identity, the youth have absconded from the quaint little villages and the elderly are succumbing to Prof. Brian Cox’ favourite law of thermodynamics – leaving said quaint villages and hamlets at the mercy of British expats.
By the 24th Century every French person will be descended from British immigrants!
The once-youth would have succumbed to the onslaught of English-language pop culture and thus; Captain Picard will obviously have an English accent! YOU KAY! YOU KAY! YOU KAY!
Stick it, Napoleon ya time-travelling, ice-cream eating, water-sliding French mother-fucker!

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Anyway, I’m going to talk, not about Captain Picard but of Captain Lorca and his USS Discovery.
Star Trek Discovery is due to hit our screens in late September and Jesus, you’d think it was the worst thing since that misogynistic episode of the Original Series where Kirk declares that a “woman can’t be a starship Captain”…
… Then his consciousness ends up being swapped with a woman, hell-bent on messing everything up with her terrible driving and… periods, eurgh! Even Doctor Who has gone all “mixed-chromosome”, probably the TARDIS will end up being Malibu Barbie Pink(TM) instead of manly, manly blue because… “girls”!

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Shake your fists in the air, men fore we are going to be phased out!Woman will no longer need our wondrous phallic members of pleasure because soon, very soon they’ll all get fed up with our shit and end up inventing vibrators that are so much better than our dicks and they’ll be able to plant baby-seeds too! Just look at the new Star Trek Discovery, it’s all skirts and tampons now! Who was Captain Janeway? Fuck knows? Probably a man in a dress?
How should I know?

Yeah, obviously I’m being facetious but my dumbass rambling is fairly similar to a lot of the negative comments I’ve read on various forums. People complaining that it; “doesn’t look like Star Trek”, “meh, Discovery looks like shit but I lack the attention span to write a fully formed critique on why I think it looks like shit”, “black woman… groan, political correctness gone made” and the always classic; “it’s not PRIME!!! I want it to look like a failed pilot for a sci-fi show from 1965”.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and I’m about to stick my Trekkie-cap on so allow me to explain something; that failed pilot episode, the one that doesn’t have Captain Kirk or McCoy. It wasn’t even broadcast in its entirely until the late 80’s. Bits of that episode were recycled and used for later episodes to save on budget. The uniforms and even the Enterprise look different and not fully-fleshed out. Funny thing is, there’s a Trekkie, right now, reading these words and they’re getting really, really frustrated. They’re the same type of emotionally-stunted and irrationally-minded individuals that actually “rage-quit” computer games way into their mid-to-late thirties. They’re now sending me a private message, telling me that I’m a “ass hat” or something, I don’t know? It’ll be less incoherent that this bullshit, anyway!

“IDIC” is an acronym for “Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations”, the basis of Vulcan philosophy and despite it being sci-fi nonsense, it’s quite a good philosophy to have. Maybe this is the reason I’m so accepting of this new and “shitty” Star Trek Discovery? Maybe I’m willing to look past all the aesthetic incongruities? Who gives a fuck about my opinion?

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Anyway, the meat of this article is about my claim and arrogance-fuelled bragging rights because I think I know what this show is going to be about! (Note: Please keep in mind that most of this was written before the most recent trailer from San Diego Comic Con.)
I’ve drunk enough and caressed Twitter-posted images upon images until I’ve drawn my conclusion; and I believe that Jason Isaacs’ Captain Lorca is the Star Trek equivalent of Kurtz from Joseph Conrad’s book; Heart of Darkness.
If you’ve seen Apocalypse Now or played Far Cry 2 then you kinda know the plot.
In that book; Charles Marlow, the narrator of that story recants his endeavour to find the illusive ivory trader’ Mr. Kurtz who has gone quite, quite mad in the Congo.
How does this relate to Star Trek Discovery?

Lieutenant Commander Burnham, played by Sonequa Martin-Green is stationed aboard the USS Shenzhou as First Officer to Captain Georgiou (Michelle Yeoh) where a new threat appears as an even more aggressive and expansive Klingon armada. My prediction is that we follow the crew of the Shenzhou in their attempts to find a rogue Captain, a man with near crazed ambitions to… something to do… with the Klingons? Probably? Maybe he’s trying to cause a war? Or stop it? I think his intentions will be morally ambiguous, regardless.

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Look, I’m utilising basic abstract reasoning here! The last trailer we saw didn’t even feature the eponymous USS Discovery and Jason Isaac was surprisingly absent. What we did see was Martin-Green’s Burnham and she was demanding that they fire against an aggressive force of fancy glam-rock’ Klingons. We know from the lawsuit surrounding the Axanar fan film by Christian Gossett that their initially planned 90 minute feature had to have several elements removed upon CBS request. CBS own the rights to Star Trek so it has been widely speculated that Discovery will be about the prelude to Axanar.

To the uninitiated, what the fuck is “Axanar”? Well, Axanar or the Battle of Axanar is mentioned a couple of times throughout the Original Series. Captain Kirk had hero-worshipped the notable Captain Garth of Izar, who fought against the Klingons and ended up becoming a war hero… well, until the episode; “Whom Gods Destroy” when Garth of Izar, now imbued with superpowers causes all manner of mischief for Kirk and crew. He’s a really great villain and funnily enough, one of my favourites (he’s got a slight Richard E. Grant’s Withnail quality). On display is a man who is a kind of Caligula-type. His morals have been warped by the corruption of power. Many different interpretations exist within Star Trek lore and Gossett’s Axanar film is often regarded by fans as being the best representation of this particular snippet of Star Trek history.
This would account for the CBS lawsuit against the Axanar fan film.

Mr. Kurtz from Heart of Darkness is such a man, corrupted by power and driven mad by his environment… this shares more than a slight narrative element to that of Garth of Izar. But what if, this Captain Garth was just one of many? Maybe he’s not the only man twisted by conflict?
Could it be that this is a conflict that began with Captain Lorca and his USS Discovery? What if our lead character’ Lt. Cmdr. Burnham and the rest of the crew of the USS Shenzhou was, to use the tired ‘Trek trope; “the only ship in range” and said ship was tasked with stopping a charismatic Captain who has, completely gone mad?
We know from the the trailer that was released a few months ago that the fleet of Klingon vessels descend upon the Shenzhou, maybe this is in retaliation of an unprovoked attack by Lorca’s Discovery?

Sure makes for an interesting take, doesn’t it? And what if this Klingon threat was something ancient and until now, “unseen” judging by the production sketches of a “Sarcophagus ship”. This could be a possible Klingon interpretation of Khan’s cryogenic sleeper ship. There’s that lazy production company ideal of taking popular aspects from a franchise and recycling it and what are two of the most popular entries in the Star Trek franchise; “Space Seed” and “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”? (Obviously The Dominion War, Riker’s beard and Seven of Nine would be in that list of popular Trek-things, as well).

Anyway, that’s my prediction and if it’s wrong then will I care? Of course not! It’s new fucking Star Trek and I, personally think it looks awesome… plus Martin-Green’s Burnham is sexy as fuck and I’m just a stupid man with an erection for a brain.
Talking about “brains”, isn’t it great that Steven Moffat has fucked off from Doctor Who?… God, he sucks doesn’t he? Imagine how terribly written his interpretation of a female Doctor would be? That guy knows shit about writing female characters and just look at his stupid Brillo pad hair! He fucked up Capaldi’s Doctor so thank fuck there’s a new show runner and you know what? A female Doctor will probably make me watch the next series!
Isn’t science fiction awesome?

… There’s more, at SDCC a new trailer was released and there’s a load of really cool visual elements but one thing really stood out to me. Burnham can be seen wearing a classic gold top, maybe a re-design of the Original Series uniform? It’s very brief and it occurs during the clip of Burnham looking at water floating about in micro gravity.
Also, Burnham totally does a Deadpool aping “hero land”. The USS Shenzhou has very recognisable escape pod hatches (you can see a load of pods being ejected out). I believe the Shenzhou will end up becoming heavily damaged but not necessarily destroyed. We also see a brief glimpse of the Discovery as she warps in a moment that is very familiar to any (not-so cynical) Star Trek fan.
We hear the Klingon commander speak and despite his course vocals, he sounds very stoic but he still looks a bit like a space vampire.

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We also learn that Burnham is actually Spock’s adopted sister. Sure, loads of people will go to great length about how “Spock doesn’t have an adopted sister, he never mentions it, like EVER”. Well, he didn’t mention his brother’ Sybok to Kirk until Kirk met Sybok in Star Trek V. Hell, Spock’s father’ Sarek first appeared in the episode; “Journey to Babel” and even then Kirk was unaware that Sarek was Spock’s father… Spock and Kirk are supposed to be BBF’s FFS!
It’s worth mentioning that Sarek will be played by Orphan Black actor; James Frain and while I’ve never really liked his acting in Orphan Black, mainly because he seems almost emotionally detached, maybe that detachment will work as he plays a Vulcan.

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I also really like the moment where Burnham is trapped in a containment field, effectively saving her from the vacuum of space. It looks really cool and it’s an interesting idea.
This leads me on to what I hope this series might do.

My prediction is more for the general season story arc but I’m hoping we get self contained episodes and it’s possible we may get that because we see Harry Mudd’s return. Harry Mudd appeared in two episodes of the Original Series where he was a mischievous con artist… though he was a threat, he was more like comic relief.
I really can’t see him being used in any capacity other than being a self-serving career criminal and his episode might not even have much to do with the overall season arc.

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I’d like to see intelligent ideas for already existing aspects of the series, such as the containment field that was shown.

What I don’t want to see is liberal handfuls of nostalgia shit being thrown all over the place. I don’t want a doctor-character saying; “I’m a doctor, not an [insert thing here]” or references to Romulan Ale being fucking illegal. And please, no Tribbles. I don’t want someone drinking a Chateau Picard

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So, what are your thoughts on this new Star Trek series? Will you do the rational thing and wait for the actual episodes to air before making a judgement? Are you going to bitch and whine even if this show ends up being the greatest thing since Picard took an interest in playing an alien flute?
And just how long before Michelle Yeoh’s character is killed off? She’s totally got the longevity of a Disney parent or any father figure in a video game!

Twin Peaks “The Orchid’s Curse” Episode 13

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At time of writing there’s been six new episodes with the seventh due to be broadcast later this weekend but forget about new Twin Peaks! Let’s take a look at episode 13, entitled; “The Orchid’s Curse”. Despite the episode name sounding like a reasonably good title for a 70’s American ninja movie we don’t actually get any martial arts… shame really, I was enjoying the craptastic bout between Hank and Mak Takano at the end of last episode.

We start our episode with an unfamiliar view of The Great Northern’s entrance and some cleverclog shoved a lovely mauve gradient filter on the camera lens. This makes the clouds look like they’re about to unleash some purple rain, purple rain… but Prince does not make an appearance. I guess he was too busy filming Graffiti Bridge, the sequel to 1984’s Purple Rain… or something… I’m sure there’s a point to this?
Anyway, Cooper’s alarm causes him to wake up and the first thing he must do is speak to Diane on his trusty dictaphone. He explains that he had a dream where he was eating a tasteless gumdrop until he realises that the gumdrop was in fact one of his ear plugs.
I often have reoccurring dreams and they always seem to be about sucking the most phallic examples of food until I realise this penis is no food at all! I’ve been duped!
But you know, while I allude to the idea of having my mouth violated in my sleep… male rape is not funny despite what countless TV shows and films would have you believe.
Pop culture is weird.

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So… yeah? Anyway, you may recall that Cooper was shot a few episodes previous, so in order to “re-cooper-ate” faster than I can make references to that shit called “Star Trak”, he’s standing on his head? What?! Oh alright, whatever… anyway, it’s only then that he finds Audrey’s note that has remained hidden under his bed for the last few episodes.
Surely room service would’ve vacuumed his room? Apparently not!
At least now he knows where she’s been since the season one cliff hanger!
To be honest, the scene where she last speaks to Cooper over the phone I was under the impression that Cooper would have figured out where she was when she started gushing over how good he looked in a tuxedo but I guess Cooper isn’t staring at CCTV cameras in casinos yet… SHIT! Sorry, SPOILERS! I should have said that was a SPOILER for episode 4 or should I say; 34? Well, it will be numbered “34” on this blog because, things…

Down at the Sheriff’s Department, Hawk has returned from speaking to some of Leland’s old neighbours from when he was growing up. Nobody remembers Bob, it seems.
Also, Hawk really needs to go for a piss and so he hurries off… come to think of it, Bobby Briggs was speaking to another Sheriff Truman in episode 34 and he needed to go for a piss, so maybe that’s a reocurring theme? When people speak to someone called “Sheriff Truman” they usually need to take a leak… SHIT! Sorry! SPOILERS! I should have put a warning and I know I could very easily add a sentence to the top of this article, especially considering I could do that when I’m editing it but… fuck it.

Lucy makes a brief appearance in this episode, she’s off to Tacoma to visit her sister’ Gwen because I’m sure she’s bound to make an appearance later this season… shit… sorry, spoilers etc.
Anyway, Cooper arrives and informs Truman that he knows where Audrey is.

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Over at the Johnson household, a salesman is demonstrating a cradle that is designed to be not very effective in hoisting up invalids into bed. It’s interesting to consider that both Cooper and Leo Johnson were shot in the torso and one of them is doing handstands, breaking into a dodgy casino / brothel to rescue a girl and the other is in Dribble City, Coma State.
Then again, Twin Peaks and making sense don’t tend to go hand in hand… just look at the first fifteen minutes of episode 33, Cooper travels through the nether realm only to escape through a plug socket… spoiler…
Anyway, Bobby has introduced himself as Leo’s cousin because he’s fucking Shelly and the salesman is from Clearwell Mobility or something, anyway the harness, cradle-thing is faulty as fuck and while Bobby and Shelly are presumably screwing (off screen), the salesman is stuck in the cradle and being thrown from left to right in comedic fashion.
It’s odd that the salesman is there to demonstrate the hoist since Judge Sternwood has not made a decision on whether or not Leo Johnson will be sent home from the hospital. He’s still one of the main suspects of… erm… shit, who was murdered?!

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Talking of Judge Sternwood, he’s presiding over the Jacques Renault murder case with Leland Palmer standing trial for the aforementioned murder. We’re not in a courthouse but instead we’re at the Bang Bang Bar because it doesn’t open until the evening and the cleaner couldn’t be bothered to sweep the up the peanut husk covered floor. I’m not sure why the trial is being held in a bar but maybe that’s just the kind of thing that a sawmill town does! So, the DA wants Leland to be detained without bail but then good ol’ Harry S. Truman…

…not that one, gives a good spiel regarding Leland Palmer being “an all right geezer who wouldn’ ‘arm a fly” so Judge Sternwood’s like, “yeah fam, Ayez no dickhed. Dat Leland iz safe innit, ‘e’s hair is fuckin’ nang bruv!” Or something along those lines?

Hey, Donna’s being a cunt again! Down a shot! Sorry! I forget that that I’m often playing my own drinking game whenever I’m watching Twin Peaks. Every time James sulks or Donna acts like a cunt, I mainline a pint of vodka… obviously I don’t but… you know it’s weird but the more I learn about all the shit that happened behind the scenes the more I genuinely dislike Lara Flynn Boyle. She seems like a right bitch and I’ve already touched upon her ability to “method act” like a jealous dumbass in a previous article but here she is; ruining an agoraphobe by forcing him outside.
Next she’s going to force the blind to see by snapping their canes and killing their guide dogs!

In Donna’s attempt to steal Laura’s secret diary she tricks poor, creepy Harold Smith into stepping foot outside his front door where he ends up having a seizure. It’s almost like the start of an episode of House… except Massive Attack doesn’t play… yeah…

So we return to the Bang Bang Bar and the Judge is examining all the evidence against Leo Johnson. Even though he’s a vegetable, the town of Twin Peaks needs some closure to the whole Laura Palmer-thing. During a brief recess, the Judge talks to Truman and Cooper.
Cooper is absolutely certain that Leo isn’t the killer.
Judge Sternwood decides that Leo should not stand trial and that he should be sent back home and into Shelly’s care. Shelly seems a bit lost but at least she’ll benefit from all that supposed money, hah! Yeah, like anyone can live off a carer’s allowance!? You’d be more financial endowed if you became a vegetable yourself!

It’s worth mentioning that the District Attorney that is present during Leland’s trial is the same guy that Norma and Hank mistake for the travel writer in the previous episode. Hank had stolen the DA’s wallet and the DA reminds me of this character;

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Come to think of it…? I don’t believe that it was worth mentioning that at all!

Next in a long line of plots is Nadine’s fractured psyche. Big Ed has brought her home from the hospital and she still believes that she’s 18 years old and in high school. James is there to greet them and he’s shocked by the change in Nadine’s personality. Big Ed tells him that they will need to “roll with the punches”, in other words; it’s a bit like Good Bye Lenin, that German film starring Daniel Brühl. Set in 1989 East Berlin, a young man’s mother is hospitalised prior to the collapse of Communism. The doctor advised that the mother shouldn’t stress out because it might kill her but she’s a massive Commie so what will happen when she discovers that the country she loves is no longer under Soviet rule?
Okay, it’s completely different and there’s no correlation other than the fact that the mother in Good Bye Lenin is a woman and so is Nadine actress’ Wendy Robie… it’s a tenuous link but…
Anyway, we get a reminder that Nadine has super human strength because she accidentally rips the door off the fridge. I guess they’ll have to throw some of the food away now, what a waste.

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Our next scene involves everyone’s favourite racist stereotype’ Mr. Tojamura, it’s blatantly prosthetics. I remember watching TV in the early 90’s where everything was in 4:3 ratio and in crappy definition but it’s still obviously someone in fucking make up… it’s Piper Laurie in yellow face and it’s actually pretty hilarious. Anyway, “Mr. Tojamura” has a business proposition for Ben Horne. It’s a business proposal that will end up excluding the Icelanders from Ben’s Ghostwood Estate-thingy so he accepts Tojamura’s cheque for $5,000,000 and is exceptionally happy with himself.

After Tojamura leaves, Hank enters and Ben orders him to hide in the back room because Cooper is about to arrive for the ransom money. In the space of a few short minutes, Ben has made a deal with Mr. Tojamura, spoke to Jean Renault about paying Audrey’s ransom, instructed Cooper about the exchanging Audrey for the money and he’s ordered Hank to follow Cooper… he’s barely smoked two puffs from his cigar! He’s a busy man, that Benjamin Horne!

We catch up with Donna and Maddy, they’re planning to royally screw over Harold Smith and later in the episode they do! Basically, Donna seduces Harold and when she’s being a monumental cock tease, Maddy struggles to open the hidden compartment in Harold bookcase. When he discovers Donna’s betrayal, he loses his shit and when you think he’s going to stab them both he decides to ruin his creepy, creepy face with a hand rake.

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At One Eyed Jack’s; Jean Renault is showing off his wonderful Assassin’s Creed cosplay to Blackie. He’s made a nifty spring loaded wrist knife… weapon thing and he’s totally not going to use it on Blackie later in this episode. Instead he plans to use this weapon against Cooper during the handover. Oh and they plan to kill Audrey as well, they’re villains, you see. It’s kinda what they do.

It appears that Deputy Andy is covering the reception and he’s covered in post-it notes. Interesting fact; a chemist at 3M was trying to invent a new type of super glue and failed but the result ended up being a low-tack adhesive… I’m not sure why he chose anaemic-yellow but maybe he was being conscious of dyslexics? Maybe? Fuck, I don’t know and I don’t even know if what I just typed was true or I just made it up?
You know what’s a good adhesive? Cum. Good old fashioned baby gravy and Deputy Andy has just received some relatively good news. He had weak sperm but apparently his spunk is now potent. Good work, Andy… you are, “a whole town”.

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While at the Sheriff’s Department, Cooper and Truman are going over their super secret plan. They’ve decided to exclude Hawk because what they’re doing is incredibly illegal. Yes, he is an FBI agent but they’re crossing the border into Canada and that’s a big no, no.

Cooper and Truman have decided to wear black sweaters because black sweaters are the most stealthiest of apparel. Truman subdues a guard and they make their way inside where it’s not long until Cooper finds and rescues Audrey. As a strung out junkie, she’s still hot but she’s not in a fit state to walk so Cooper slings her over his shoulder while Truman witnesses Jean Renault murdering Blackie with his Assassin’s Creed write knife thing. Renault notices Truman and fires off a shot before making his escape.
As they’re about to leave One Eyed Jack’s they’re stopped by an armed guard but then they’re saved by Hawk who… holy fuck! He throws a massive knife that ends up lodged in the guy’s back, effectively making Hawk a murderer! Cripes!

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A lot happens in this episode and we finally get some resolution with the Audrey kidnap plot. The one stand out moment, for me at least, was the moment when Cooper tells Judge Sternwood that he’s only been in Twin Peaks for 12 days! Less than a fortnight but when it comes to watching a show, it’s easy to lose track of time… just watch The Walking Dead and Carl’s character is supposed like, 12? But the actor is probably closer to 20 than 10.
As a final note… yes, I’m about to talk about Star Trek but the Jake Sisko character in Deep Space 9 started as a short 10 year old and by the end of the series he was taller than most of the principle cast… it’s called the fucking second law of thermodynamics!

I’m going to give this episode an arbitrary rating; 9 Prince Pseudonyms out of 9. Yes, Price did have 9 pseudonyms throughout his career… of course he did.

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New Twin Peaks… First Impressions

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Co-creators David Lynch and Mark Frost have made things easy for me… Since many of my regular readers will be more than aware that I’m a a monumental Trekkie and practically all of my Twin Peaks “reviews” feature at least one reference to my favourite science-fiction franchise.

Well, Ashley Judd makes an appearance as Benjamin Horne’s business associate. So what? You may ask… or not? But I don’t care! I merely write these articles to be entirely masturbatory. I write for myself, goddamnit and if you don’t like them then there’s plenty of articles in this vast myriad of bullshit we call; WordPress.

So… Ashley Judd, wonderful and sexy’ Ashley Judd. You know, she’s prolific in the women’s rights movement. Fuck, seriously? Do we really need women’s rights in the 21st century? Is humanity that fucking dense? Every person on the planet comes out of a woman and there’s enough arseholes out there to justify having a discussion about gender equality? Fuck this planet, it’s dumb as shit and I’d rather hang out in the Black Lodge, in monochrome with Carel Struycken and a crazy tree with bubblegum stuck to the top… why the fuck aren’t we equal? What’s the problem!?

Sorry, I swear, the older I get the more of a feminist I become or as I like to refer to myself; a rational human being. Anyway, Ashley Judd appeared in a couple of episodes of The Next Generation as Ensign Lefler. She appeared in one of the best episodes and also one of the most hilariously awful episodes and I’m totally going to focus on the latter.

So… it’s the fifth season of Star Trek The Next Generation and Wesley Crusher is on holiday and visiting his “mom” and the rest of the Enterprise crew. But Riker being Riker has fucked some lady on the pleasure planet of Risa and he’s brought back a game that Trekkie’s affectionately called; “suck disk”… it’s a virtual reality game that give you high doses of dopamine by sucking up disks and eventually the entire crew gets hooked like it’s a 2016 university campus with a shit load of Pokémon Go gyms.

I know what you’re thinking, am I writing about Twin Peaks of Star Trek? But just like David Lynch I’m traversing against the grain. I’m not giving you what you want because this series outwardly refuses to do so, so why should I?

Was there much of Twin Peaks in the first four episodes? It’s hard to “Ashley Judge”… fuck… yeah, that was pretty bad.

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I think it’s fair to say that there’s more of David Lynch in these first four episodes than there is actual Twin Peaks. If you’re a fan then you’re basically a pig in shit. This is pure, 100%, fifth gear’ David Lynch. We start with a guy who is watching a glass box, he’s being paid to do this and it’s incredibly cryptic. From what I gather, this guy is almost like that die hard fan who has spent too much time (in front of a box) watching countless murder mystery TV shows in vain hope that one day Twin Peaks will return. Maybe it’s a metaphor? Maybe it’s not?

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We’re also teased with scenes taking place in a couple of familiar locations. We revisit Ben and Jerry Horne. Ben’s still the cigar chomping businessman, Jerry is still exceptionally eloquent when describing a food product, in this case he’s talking about banana bread that is laced with THC. But as much as they’re the same, they’re also different. Gone is Jerry’s kinky leather duster, gone is Ben’s overly active sexual libido. We also catch up with Dr. Jacoby who is… well… let’s just say that David Lynch might be trolling us since we end up watching paint literally dry. And we also revisit the Sheriff’s Department with Lucy, Deputy Andy and Hawk.

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But something is missing and it is staring you right in the ears. The familiar, comforting soundtrack that played throughout the first two seasons in nearly missing but this is certainly intentional.

We’re certainly building up to something here and I just can’t wait to digest the next episode but would I say that I actually enjoyed watching the first four episodes? Honestly, no. Was I intrigued? Fuck yeah! Was I confused? Totally! Will this new season turn out to be just as good as the first? Only time will tell but I know one thing. David Duchovny’s acting was on point, he was great as returning character’ Denise… it’s a shame his recent turn in the new X Files felt as wooden as Margaret’s log.

The Log Lady returns but her presence is understandably melancholic. Sadly, actress’ Catherine E. Coulson was dying of cancer at time of filming and it is as heart-wrenching as it is obvious. Tears stream down her face as she speaks to Hawk and in a way you can tell that this is Catherine’s way of fortifying her legacy. She’s an integral part of Twin Peaks, the popular culture surrounding this glorious and unique series.

So to see her one last time was both joyous and exceptionally sad.

Kyle MacLachlan in a still from Twin Peaks. Photo: Suzanne Tenner/SHOWTIME

Cooper returns, sorta… and it feels like the focal point, the mystery of season three is really about Cooper’s journey back to Twin Peaks. I just hope he gets there sooner rather than later. I want the old Cooper back. I want to see Audrey Horne, I want to see James and Bobby either butting heads over a quarter of decade rivalry or finally burying the proverbial hatchet. I want to see a happy end for Laura’s “mom”; Sarah Palmer who, at the moment is just drinking and smoking while watching animal murder on a massive TV.

I can see how this new series could be polarising. Since many enjoyed the soap opera styling of the original as well as the typical Lynchian weirdness and at the moment we’re mainlining David Lynch right into the veins. We’re practically being enveloped into a surreal nightmare with hardly any holes of familiarity to take air in. Our comfort zone and our preconceptions have been thrown to wind and while some might hate that, I relish in this new frontier of outright weirdness because abiding my a recognised formula is boring as fuck.

We need change to grow and to evolve so let’s celebrate the return of one of the most notorious shows to ever grace television screens. Twin Peaks is back!

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I’m going to keep this article short because I’d rather save the good shit for my season three “reviews” but I will give these four episodes an arbitrary rating and that rating is… Four blue roses out of five space boxes and something to do with a cars cigarette lighter… seriously? Man, that first few scenes of the third episode… I thought my brain had totally capsized.

About that Star Trek Discovery trailer…

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Many of my usual readers will know that I have a serious problem with restraining my love for Star Trek when it comes to writing about Twin Peaks. Nearly, if not all “reviews” have been strewn with Star Trek references like bird shit on a bus shelter and yet I’ve not actually dedicated an entire article to my most beloved franchise!?

I’ve gushed over Skyrim and Fallout. I explained why Negan is the hero that The Walking Dead deserves and now all that’s about to change because today you will discover that… I really fancy Sonequa Martin Green. Hey, Sherilyn Fenn is still my 90’s crush okay, don’t worry!
But I really liked Green’s character’ Sasha in The Walking Dead, she was an utter badass but as soon as I heard the announcement that she was going to play the lead in the next Star Trek series I knew that her tenure was drawing to a close. As a fan of the comic book there’s this character called Holly that ends up being turned into a zombie by Negan in order to fuck up a hostage negotiation and Sasha’s story lifted elements from Holly’s comic book arc… so, she was bound to die in the season finale.

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But enough of The Walking Dead and no, I’m not going to litter this article with tangential nonsense from Twin Peaks. Instead, I’m going to focus entirely on Star Trek. So, without further adieu here’s my thoughts on the trailer for Star Trek Discovery.

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First, there were two trailers that were released. One used to promote the upcoming CBS All Access streaming service and one for Netflix and despite both using the same footage I certainly preferred the Netflix trailer. I’m a fan of the Canadian band’ M83 and the trailer used a song that I like and it felt better edited.
I usually pick up on slightly awkward scene cuts and the opening moment with Michelle Yeoh’s Captain Philippa Georgiou talking to Green’s First Officer Michael Burnham about “getting her own command” was obviously several scenes shoved together. I didn’t like the bit at the end where we see a Klingon swinging his bat’leth (fancy Klingon sword) at the camera, it just didn’t work for me.

Would you believe that as a die hard Trekkie, this was my only complaint?

Well, it is 2017 and the internet is a thing so it’s no surprise that the trailer on YouTube was not well received. I wasn’t exactly shocked to discover that many of the negative comments revolved around the main character being a black woman. As I said, I wasn’t shocked… it’s the internet and in the age of Gamergate, complaints about an all-women Ghostbusters and pussy-grabbing Donald Trump being “POTUS”. Was it any surprise in this true age of the idiot that a new Star Trek show was getting shit thrown at it?

I swear to Kahless! If this society becomes any more dumb, I’m going to dye my hair pink, dress like a lesbian and dig up my old Tumblr because I’m gonna go full on SJW!

This is the problem with Star Trek.
The best thing and the worst thing about Star Trek is it’s fans. Some, not all are so fickle that they’d rather their favourite franchise die with no hope of it’s corpse finding planet Genesis.
Seriously, they would rather no resurrection of the franchise they claim to love so dearly… it’s illogical?! It’s like saying, Agent Dale Cooper would rather not have a cup of coffee in Tibet if given the chance!

Oops… sorry, I did say I wouldn’t reference Twin Peaks.

If you’re a fan of Star Trek and you like the gazillion different ships that have appeared in the franchise then I implore to check out Trekyards on YouTube. Captain Foley and Commander Cockings always dig deep into the lore of Trek and their expert analysis on the ships are a treat for any fan but when they posted up the trailer on their Facebook page… well, things got messy quicker than Commander Sonak in a transporter accident.
And a lot of the frustration was down to people’s inability to divorce their mindset away from the visual aesthetic of a show from 1966.

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Sure, one comment made me think. They said that Star Wars can evolve the look but still retain the atmosphere of “a galaxy far, far away”. Just look at the original Star Wars and compare the Stormtroopers from that film to the new films. Even Rogue One looks spot on but that franchise, that universe is supposed to be set further than the Delta Quadrant, it’s in “a galaxy, blah blah away”. Whereas; Star Trek is set in our future, our interpretation of our future and this includes the aesthetic aspect.

If we were going to stick with the established lore of Star Trek then we would need to explain The Eugenics Wars of the 1990’s. Allow me to explain, within the established history of Star Trek there was a huge war that spanned between 1992 and 1996 where Khan (of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan fame) became the ruler of most of the world. Hey, maybe when Kirk and crew went back in time to 1986 to save some whales, only to create inbred whales because they only save two siblings… maybe, the time line got changed? Again?!
It’s Star Trek, sometimes the timeline fucks up.

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What I’m getting at is; in 1966 I very much doubt that prolific series’ creator and general womaniser’ Gene Roddenberry actually gave any thought to the possibility that the show he was creating was going to have some huge pop cultural impact?

When it came to revitalising Star Trek in the late 70’s, the uniforms changed from the primary colours of the original series to that of disgusting pastel shades that reflected the time period. In the late 80’s when the Enterprise D sought out the final frontier, everything looked like an 80’s office-cum-cruise ship and then in the early 2000’s the crew of the original starship to bare the name “Enterprise”(… well, kinda) looked grounded in near gritty realism. The point is, each show reflected the era so why the fuck would a progressive show need to look back into order to look forward?

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Okay, I will admit that this show is a prequel to the original Star Trek. The trailer mentions that this is set 10 years before Captain Kirk, Spock and The Enterprise. But should the uniforms look like they did in the original pilot episode? Well, there’s certain cues. As Trekyards pointed out in their recent video, some of the previous iterations featured a lot of blue. Just look at the jumpsuits from 2001’s Star Trek: Enterprise… yeah, this promo pic makes the uniforms look more mauve / purple but that’s probably down to the lighting. In the show, they were undoubtedly blue.

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Then there’s the uniforms in the opening minutes of 2009’s Star Trek where Kirk’s father sacrifices himself so that Cameron from House MD can give birth to baby Kirk. There’s a lot of blue.

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But I don’t think the criticism is the blue uniforms, it’s more to do with this series straying away from the typical primary colours that we’re used to seeing in The Original Series and The Next Generation. Yet, you’ll rarely see criticism thrown at the uniforms as shown in Star Trek II and all the way up to Star Trek VI? The characters are all dressed in a very Naval fashion, which is odd considering that Starfleet isn’t supposed to be a military organisation… well, they’re not supposed to be, but they do fly around with a shit load of weapons and they have military ranks. They’re also not supposed to have money in the future and yet there’s gambling and Scotty remarks about buying a boat in one of the films. So they do have money, I guess?
In an early episode of The Next Generations, Captain Picard has to explain to a businessman that has recently thawed out from being frozen; “A lot has changed in three hundred years, people are no longer obsessed with the accumulation of ‘things’. We have eliminated hunger, want, the need for possessions.” but then Data also owns a cat and I bet Riker had to buy that trombone… are you telling me that Geordi received FREE eye care? I call bullshit on that!

There’s a lot of inconsistencies in Star Trek but there’s also 546 hours worth of television episodes and films. Thousands upon thousands of people have been involved in bringing Star Trek to the masses, of course there’s going to be inconsistencies. Klingons have pink blood but I’ve seen them bleed red in an episode or two. “Vulcan has no moon” Said Spock but when we see Vulcan in The Motion Picture, there’s moons! Unless he meant that literally, as in; another alien race wouldn’t call their planet’s orbiting planetoid a “moon”… you know what? I’m going to talk about the trailer now.

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So we see our first glimpse of Captain Georgiou’s ship’ the USS Shenzhou as it cuts through a dust cloud. It looks nimble and threatening. She reminds me of the USS Reliant from The Wrath of Khan with the under slung warp nacelles. But the bridge appears to be on the bottom of the ship instead of the top. That’s certainly a change from the usual design philosophy but I quite like it. It means the crew can look out on to a planet that they’re above, it’s an interesting change and one that I welcome.

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Originally, Gene Roddenberry stated that the bridge had to be on the top so that the audience had a sense of scale. Having a window does this better, in my opinion.

Back in 2009 when JJ Abrams directed the Star Trek reboot movie, some Trekkies complained that the bridge had a massive window at the front of the bridge instead of the usual view screen. Well, I don’t know about you but if I were a bridge officer on a Federation starship, I’d want a window to see, you know? SPACE. How cool would that be? Is it practical? Yes, of course it is. “But, but enemy ships could easily shoot the bridge crew or they could use binoculars and see the shield frequency on one of the computer screens so that their photon torpedoes could pass right through their shields!”
If you’re going to be so petty then how is it that every alien race automatically knows which angle to orientate their ship? There’s no universal “up”… I swear, it’s like these anally retentive Trekkies have their Trill symbiont rammed right up their arses!

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We also get a look at a really cool looking communicator, very reminiscent to The Original Series ones and then Captain Georgiou and Burnham get “beamed up” from a location that isn’t a sound stage or Vasquez Rocks. They filmed in Jordan and here’s an interesting fact for ya, you big nerd, Star Trek Into Darkness was the first time that Star Trek was filmed outside of the Americas. Crazy, right?! And yet fans have complained about the production quality of this new show?

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We get a good look at the bridge of the USS Shenzhou and there’s a few cues from the original series, such as the red trim on the Captain’s chair being very reminiscent to the… those… er, kinda pointless bars that encircled the bridge of the original Enterprise. The bridge of the Shenzhou also looks a bit like the USS Franklin’s bridge from last years’ Star Trek Beyond with a little bit of Voyager thrown into the mix with it’s near brushed metallic look of the computer consoles.

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It’s worth mentioning that the eponymous USS Discovery that this series is named after does not feature in this trailer. In fact, half the cast don’t appear. Rekha Sharma from Battlestar Galactica and the most recent episode of the awesome fan series’ Star Trek Continues, Shazad Latif (Penny Dreadful) and even Jason Isaacs, who is supposed to be the Captain of the USS Discovery just don’t feature at all.
So, I’m going to speculate that the Shenzhou will probably get destroyed in the pilot episode… poor Michelle Yeoh! The Captain always has to go down with their ship. Well, unless you’re Picard or Kirk…

We also get a good look at the Klingons and Gre’thor! Fans weren’t happy, of course they weren’t.
It’s like people forgot that Klingons change depending on who is writing or directing. Just look at the original Klingons and compare them to their counterparts in the beginning of The Motion Picture.

Sometimes Klingons are an allegory for Communist Russia, sometimes they’re Space Samurai as per Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, sometimes they’re Space Vikings, sometimes they’re stupid or they’re Worf. People were saying that they didn’t even look like Klingons but take a gander at some of the pictures I’ve placed in this article… there are similarities. The colours that are used, the greys, the golds for example. We even get head ridges and just because these Klingons aren’t sporting dodgy facial hair or Gene Simmons wigs doesn’t necessarily mean that other Klingons won’t.

Maybe memories are short but look at the first two seasons of The Next Generation… most of those episode’s suck. Try watching all of season one on Netflix, oh you got to “Code of Honor” and switched off? Of course you did, Picard and crew visit the planet of the African stereotypes or even worse; “Angel One” which is a horribly awkward commentary on Apartheid that ends up just being a little bit racist.

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Maybe some fans have rose tinted glasses or maybe it’s just typical hipster, millennial whining for whining’ sake? I don’t know and I never said I had any answers. All I know is that, we have a new Star Trek show and from what I’ve seen so far, it looks fucking good.

Visually, this is practically on par with a feature film. The shots with Burnham in her awesome Starfleet space suit looks amazing and the asteroids encircling a distant singularity really gives us a better perspective of space than punched holes in black card (as per The Original Series). Never has space been shown in such grandeur in a Trek show.

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But what we really need to do is wait for the pilot episode, let’s see if this is any good. Let’s see if we’re really going to boldly go where no one has gone before… or maybe it’ll be shit? But like Q; I’ll judge this show when it is finally broadcast. As a fan, a “Trekkie”, I’m just happy for new Star Trek.

So live long and prosper and if you don’t then blame entropy and your own inability to control your finances!

I give this trailer four lights, FOUR LIGHTS out of FOUR LIGHTS!

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Phew! You know what? I was worried that I might not be able to focus on the task at hand without having to make pointless pop culture references to things that are barely related to this article’s subject matter. But I managed it better than my own finances and unlike the Star Trek, I’m a slave to the corporate machine so if you liked this article enough to donate a dollar or five, maybe some gold pressed latinum? Then check out my Patreon; Click here!
Support creative people and if I make enough then I’ll be able to buy a new laptop since all my money from working my arse off goes on bills and food. And if you’re not as rich as the Grand Nagus then you can still support me by sharing this with your friends and fellow red shirts. The more people, the merrier!

Twin Peaks “Laura’s Secret Diary” Episode 12

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When I designed the time machine in my novel I wanted the interior to look like an old, worn down office with decade’s old perforated ceiling tiles, dented filing cabinets and water coolers that were so old that the water tasted like tobacco smoke and charity shop clothes. I honestly didn’t want to go for the usual Apple store aesthetic or steampunk bullshit and so when this episode opened with fucking wood fibre acoustical ceiling tiles… fuck me, I was in heaven!

And this episode has one brilliantly creative opening scene; we’re deep in a ceiling tile hole! David Fincher probably watched this part and thought; “Yep, I’m totally going to steal that!”
I remember in the early 2000’s, I had such a hard on for Fincher and Fight Club… I was in awe of the incredible way he was able to craft a scene… blah, blah… yeah, that bit where Edward Norton is talking about the corporate galaxy and the camera travels throw a maelstrom of disposable Starbucks coffee cups and twisted Krispy Kreme boxes. Yeah, cool scene right? Fight Club was so edgy…

Anyway, digressing back to Twin Peaks. Upon first inspection we’re lead to believe that this tunnel that we’re travelling down might be in the woods. It has all the appearances of a rabbit’s warren and all the while we can hear the cries of woman screaming “Daddy!”. We exit the tunnel it is only then that we realise that we’ve exited out of my beloved perforated ceiling tiles… phew! Just give me a moment… right, okay. I’ll stop gushing over fucking ceilings.

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The scene properly begins in the interrogation room, the last episode concluded with Leland Palmer being arrested for the murder of Jacques Renault (oh and Donna finding Laura’s secret diary). Ray Wise confesses to murdering the man whom he believed killed his daughter and shit, Ray Wise is just absolutely fucking incredible. From the expressions on Cooper, Truman and Doctor Hayward it’s hard for them to accept.

As Cooper and Hayward leave the room, the good Doctor explains that no man should ever have to bury their child. Cooper asks him is he approves of murder. He utters no and Cooper walks off and then we’re treated to a bit of light comedy when Deputy Andy asks the Doctor if he could re-take his sperm count test. Doc hands him a semen collection cup… because Doctor’s usually carry those kind of things, I guess? And so we kick off this episode’s sub plot; Andy has to have a wank at the Sheriff’s Department.
With a copy of “Fleshworld” in hand, since they’ve got a load of those from a previous episode, he heads of the toilet only to clumsily bump into Lucy. She’s disgusted in him and for good reason… is he going to masturbate with the aid of evidence from an ongoing murder investigation?
I suppose he is!

In the reception, Cooper and Truman are discussing Leland’s claims that Bob lived in a house with a white picket fence. Bob is apparently short for “Robertson” and no one of that name had lived in the house that Leland described, very fishy indeed! Then Andy, being his usual clumsy-self accidentally drops his cum and it rolls under a chair. As he’s bent over, Cooper notices Andy’s new boots… they’re the same brand as the ones they found hidden along with Leo’s drug stash. Andy explains that he purchased a pair from the one-armed man. Following his usual intuition, Cooper needs to find Phillip Gerard AKA the one-armed man… again!

Our next scene introduces us to “Desk Clerk”, she’s played by Bellina Logan and given the amount of dialogue she had and the way she chews the scene you would expect her to become a series regular. Now, I’ve watched every episode and correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t believe she appears again? Anyway, the reason I mention her is because her first acting gig was in a TV show called; “A Man Called Hawk”… so what? You’re probably asking… or not as the case may be, I mention it because I need to reference Star Trek in some way and A Man Called Hawk starred Avery Brookes, you know, Captain Sisko from Deep Space Fucking Nine!
Anyway, “Desk Clerk” is acting so damn much I’m half expecting to see Barry from Eastenders dressed up as the genie from Aladdin because I’ve not seen this much forced enthusiasm from an actress since I last watched pantomime, or children’s TV. She could probably buy Justin’s House and sublet it back to Mr. Tumble!
Shit, these references will be totally lost on my American readers.

So, “Desk Clerk” informs Benjamin Horne that a famous travel writer is heading to Twin Peaks, yep it’s another sub plot. Season Two is filled to the brim with so many sub plots, the main plot practically gets forgotten about. Her enthusiasm impresses Ben and he buggers off to his office where the villainous Jean Renault is waiting for him.

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I should mention that Michael Parks, who portrayed Jean Renault sadly passed away this week at time of writing and a part of me is starting to get paranoid. Since I started writing these articles, Warren Frost (Doc Hayward), Miguel Ferrer (Albert Rosenfield) and now Michael Parks have passed away. My shitty articles must be cursed! I also wrote a review on Rogue One and that featured CGI Leia and Carrie Fisher died… it’s like I’m in crappy episode of Goosebumps or something?! Look, if any other cast members die between now and my next article then I’m going to only exclusively write about Theresa May or Donald Trump from now on because no offence, why can’t cunts die instead of people in a beloved cult TV show from the 90’s?
Can I write that? I’m not entirely sure if it’s ethical? Sod it! It’s “satire” guys, we can “joke” about politicians dying right? Like, dying horribly… like, slow combine harvester-related death’ horrible. Getting slowly crushed by a steamroller so that their guts explode out of every facial orifice.
What was I supposed to be writing again?

Oh yeah, Twin Peaks! So, Ben Horne is propositioned by Jean Renault and when I say “propositioned” I mean, “demands ransom” for the safe return of Audrey who has been doped up with what I can only assume is that tasty, tasty heroin. Ben’s not overly pleased, especially when Jean demands that Agent Cooper should be the one to deliver the ransom money.
Ben has no choice but to agree to Jean’s demand.

We catch up with Donna at the Double R Diner where she is picking up Harold Smith’s meals on wheels order from Hank, he’s being his typical slimy-self. Norma is excited to hear that the bloody famous travel writer from this episode’s B plot might make their way to her quintessential American diner. Are they a food critic or a travel writer? I’m not even sure the script even knows and I’m sorry to say but this is certainly a sign of things to come for this series.
Hank’s almost as enthusiastic as “Desk Clerk” and tells Norma that he’s going to head off and buy some table cloths, candles and all that shit just so he can spruce the place up.
Oh and he also asked her to call Big Ed because we’ve got to name drop him since he doesn’t appear in this episode. In fact, where’s Bobby, Shelly… James? Nadine? Where’s half the fucking cast?!
So, Hank asks Norma to call Ed because he works at the gas station and well, maybe this travel writer is going to stop to fill up their car… maybe? What? Why? Who cares?

Donna’s having “TV lunch” with Harold, you know, when actors are in a scene with food and they’re not Brad Pitt so nobody actually eats a single thing. Harold’s boot is almost disturbingly too close to his plate of food, I don’t know why I find that unsettling especially when his boots are most certainly clean since he never leaves his house? Eurgh… I just don’t like it.
Anyway, they’re drinking wine and Harold plucks Laura’s secret diary from the table behind him. It’s the same book from the end of last episode and Harold suggests a toast to the memory of Laura by reading an excerpt. In this case, it’s Laura describing Donna and how she fears that Donna wouldn’t like her if she knew about her particular fantasies. Basically, Laura’s mega cock hungry… like Elsa Jean in a room chock full of massive man meat, pounded until she literally shits out of her ears… anyway, Donna suggests that maybe he gives the diary to the police but he acts typically weird and creepy. He then goes on to explain that because he’s a poncy twat he likes to “write a living novel” about “people” etc.
To each their own.

Ben Horne shows Cooper the video that Jean Renault left him and pleads for Cooper to deliver the ransom money. Ben’s his usual conniving self and I’m really surprised that our favourite FBI agent hasn’t seen through Ben’s ruse, it’s almost as if this episode is, dare I say? Filler?
Honestly, apart from the opening scene there’s not much progression in terms of the main plot but then again this is season two of Twin Peaks, so what do you expect?

I will say that Michael Parks makes for one very memorable villain. He sounds like Pepé Le Pew and he acts just as much like Looney Tunes most famous sex offender. He intimidates and dominates in equal measures and when Emory Battis drags a doped up Audrey into Blackie’s office,
we’re unsure of how far he will go. So when Audrey mentions that Battis had hit her, Michael Park’s Jean Renault guns him down and cradles a devastated Audrey.
Upon first viewing I wasn’t much of a fan in the way they handled Audrey, I felt she was underused and had become just a damsel in distress. In my opinion, she was slowly becoming a wasted opportunity.

Returning to the Sheriff’s Department, Andy is trying his best to reconcile with Lucy. She ends up blowing up at him and he saunters off in rejection. Cooper then tries his best to get to the bottom of Lucy’s problems… it’s his duty as a Special Agent. After all, he’s just solved one out of two murders so he’s free to complete one side quest. I usually do the same when I play Skyrim, once I’ve become the de facto leader of the Dark Brotherhood or fucking College of Winterhold I like to unwind and go back to the sanctity of Whiterun and do a menial side quest, it’s palate cleanser… no one really wants to “Find the Redguard Woman”, who gives a fuck?!
Anyway, Cooper failed a speech check with Lucy because he obviously hasn’t found an Amulet of Dibella nor has he crafted a Fortify Speech potion… and so he speaks to Sheriff Truman about his incredibly illegal rescue mission across the Canadian border.

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Back at the Double R and after a scene where Hank and Norma mistake a district attorney for the famous travel writer, Donna and Maddy are chewing the fat in one of the booths, Donna pretends to not be pissed off at Maddy for kinda stealing James even though she hasn’t really… it’s all a bit of a messy love triangle. Donna then lies and says she’s seeing someone else, you know’ Harold Smith because she’s like, really “convincing”. She then goes on to explain that Harold has a copy of Laura’s secret diary. Maddy is so over this shit and I’m left thinking, has Maddy just moved to Twin Peaks? Wasn’t she just visiting for the funeral?

Previously in this episode, Josie Packard has returned with a shit load of shopping. She pretended to be concerned for Pete who is torn up over Catherine’s supposed death in the lumber mill fire. Truman is suspicious of Josie but she does what she does best, act innocent and then utilises her sex appeal to halt any further suspicion from the poor, naive Sheriff.
So they fuck on the sofa and while a storm rages outside we can see Mak Takano peering through the window at them.

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Returning to the Sheriff’s Department, we’re introduced to yet another new character; Judge Sternwood who will be presiding over Leland Palmer’s court hearing. He’s played by veteran actor Royal Dano who you may recognise from old movies you’ve never seen… he probably played a thousand cowboys? I dunno. He sounds like how I imagine the KFC guy to sound like but despite looking like a sugar plantation owner, he is certainly likeable and later we discover that he had a hot younger wife because why not?
Season two has a reoccurring theme of old men with girls that are a quarter of their age… it’s a bit like that category on Pornhub that only elderly guys click on.
While we’re here Dick offers to pay for Lucy’s abortion, at least he’s pro-choice!

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There’s some other stuff such as the introduction of a rubbery-faced, supposed Japanese man named as Mr. Tojamura played by “Fumio Yamaguchi” and then we discover the link between Josie and Mak Takano. He’s travelled from Hong Kong on behalf of a man named Mr. Eckhardt and he wants her to return to Hong Kong with the insurance money from the lumber mill fire. She then explains that she has a problem with Hank and our episode concludes with a lame early 90’s fist fight in the Double R Diner. Mak Takano is a martial artist because, of course he is! You’ve seen his website, right? Anyway, Hank has all the fighting prowess of William Shatner and Takano hands him an ultimatum; “Don’t fuck with Project Mayhem!”

Look, this is an average episode but at least by the end we’re moving the plot forward… well, not the main “Laura Palmer murder” plot! Cooper is slowly formulating his rescue plan, Donna enlists the help of Maddy to steal Laura’s secret diary and Andy is having his sperm counted again.
I enjoyed the episode but it’s not as good as any of the first season outings so I give this episode; four attempts to pronounce Chuck Palahniuk’s surname out of five.

Also, if you’re a fecalpheliac and you like my shit enough to donate to my internet begging page on Patreon then now you can; price of a coffee or how ever much you like and if you’re not financially endowed enough then feel free to share this with your friends, family, loved ones, pets, strangers, that ex on Facebook you sometimes stalk and while you lament on your own poor life choices, they’re probably fucking their new lover on that sofa that YOU also helped pay for but then you totally screwed it up, didn’t you. Now all you have left is a search history that mostly comprises of Elsa Jean in various compromising positions. (https://www.patreon.com/grahamstoner)

Netflix’ Iron First Episode One

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I’m not going to make a habit of reviewing Marvel intellectual properties. I mean, there’s a whole wealth of articles regarding the many fucking cinematic / televisual iterations of Marvel superheroes and I’m sorry if I accidentally confuse some characters from DC Comics with that of Marvel, it’s a given since I don’t read comic books… well, I read The Walking Dead and I believe the six volume opus that is Akira is one of the greatest pieces of literature from the last century. Watchman is a modern classic and pretty much most of 2000AD’s back catalogue of characters, like Judge Dredd, Rogue Trooper and ABC Warriors are better (in my opinion) to that of Spiderman or Wolverine. Hell, Wolverine and Deadpool wouldn’t look out of place on the pages of the “Galaxy’s Greatest Comic”!

But I do remember watching the 90’s Spiderman and X-Men cartoon shows as a kid, I was just not overly invested in characters that looked, well… a bit naff. I mean, look at this;ironfist

And I think Johnny Alpha looks like a badass and that dude has some weird fucking banana helmet!

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I digress, it’s not that I have a love / hate relationship with the “MCU” or “Marvel Cinematic uneh…” far from it, I thoroughly enjoyed Netflix’ Daredevil and Jessica Jones. I haven’t got around to watching Luke Cage yet so I guess that must make me a racist??!!
Watching him plough the tiny Jessica Jones was pretty fucking hot if you ask me… anyway, I’m not here to talk about people act-fucking, I’m talking about Iron Fist, or The Iron Fist or Danny Rand: The Immortal Iron Fist. You know? I never even heard about this character until now and he’s so lame that even the script likes to be a little bit tongue-in-cheek when it comes to his representation. Moments when he declares that he’s the “Iron Fist” is met with side glances and sighs but that doesn’t mean he’s a terrible character.

In fact, he’s one of the most fun lead characters in all of the Netflix / Marvel shows. Matt Murdock AKA Daredevil was a bit of a Bible-basher, hey I’ve read the New Testament in it’s entirety so I have a fondness for giving The Bible a good old frisky wank but he is a bit anally retentive. Jessica Jones was awesome but a bit of a pretentious cunt and Luke Cage is just a big mother fucker who is impervious to pretty much anything and because of this, his personality was almost too cool for mutant school. Danny Rand AKA Iron Fist has a likeable naivety about him. He’s cocky and yet modest, strong yet seemingly vulnerable in a world that he barely recognises as his own.

The first episode doesn’t really feel much like a Marvel superhero show. I don’t recall anyone even mentioning “Iron Fist” nor does he use his glowing yellow hand power… seriously? Is this, this guy’s fucking super power? He has an impervious glowing fist? Just one? Why doesn’t he just go full-on Super Saiyan? Also, he’s beyond adept at martial arts but then again, so are all the thugs that are sent to him later on in the episode. It’s a bit odd but it makes sense from a action sequence perspective because if he’s the only one that capable and he’s just round housing everyone into submission then each fight scene would be incredibly dull.

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We’re introduced to him while he’s walking, bare foot around Manhattan while listing to “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast. Very subtly ironic considering he looks like he’s the only guy not on drugs at Woodstock. His hair is a bit of a mess and he’s got a beard, he’s wearing a skanky hemp shirt thing and trousers that look like they smell of stale semen and dog piss and yet his eyes are clear, sober and infused with determination. As an viewer with no knowledge of who this character is, I’m most certainly intrigued and he’s even listening to an old early 2000’s iPod… dare I say, it’s a second generation iPod? Fuck, I don’t know? I once did a bit of research for my second episode “review” of Twin Peaks… thing is, I knew what a fucking 2nd gen iPod looks like since I’ve probably still got mine.

So why is Danny Rand perambulating around Manhattan looking like a gap year student who has just returned from travelling around Asia? Well, he’s only gone and survived a plane crash at age 10, only to be picked up by Nepalese monks and trained to be a fucking ninja.
This is some kind of David Carradine shit right here…

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So, Danny Rand was a rich kid whose father was an influential businessman. Both Danny’s parents died in the plane crash and Western society has believed Danny to have been dead for the last 15 years. It comes as no surprise when he arrives in the lobby of this exceptionally high end corporate ziggurat only to be told to leave. He looks like a homeless bum and that’s exactly what he is!
He has no home, hardly any possessions and he doesn’t even own a pair of shoes!
Anyway, he’s insistent about talking to “Harold” and nobody believes him to be Danny Rand.

Who would? Also, are you telling me that he’s spent the last 15 years in Nepal and he hasn’t picked up an accent? I’ve got an uncle who has lived in Canada for close to 20 years, maybe more, maybe less and he sounds quote Canadiany.

So he ends up using his martial arts to subdue a few guards (Iron Fist, not my uncle) and he nonchalantly escapes in a lift and heads to the top floor and this is where he meets his childhood friends whom have grown to become insufferable corporate twats. Neither of these two characters recognise Danny either! So he’s out on his arse again… and this is basically the plot of the entire first episode.

Danny the tramp is desperately trying to convince his old childhood friends that he is in fact the heir to this massive company and these two executive douches are just outright mean to him. It gets to a point where this episode and only this episode kinda feels like an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
My attention was still held for ransom and because this is Netflix, I ended watching the next episode and then the next.

After Danny’s failed attempt to speak to the only people who might recognise him for who is is, he heads to his own home. It’s one of those big old New York brownstones, he even remembers where the spare key is kept for the front door but the lock has since been changed and its then that we discover that he’s one hell of a Parkour expert. He steps up a mere 15ft balcony as if it were a curb.
A big dog growls at him and he uses his Buddhist/Crocodile Dundee shtick to subdue the animal before quietly closing the doors on the calmed pooch.
Then he starts abiding by stealth game logic where even if he’s slightly caste in shadow then nobody will be able to see him because his childhood friend’ Joy has returned home… Danny’s old home and he’s standing on a flight of stairs and watches her from like, not exactly far away and she’s totally oblivious?

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Anyway, he confronts Joy and tries his hardest to convince her and it’s all going well until he basically tells her that he broke into her home. She’s pissed at him and as he leaves, a taxi nearly ploughs into him except he’s the fucking Iron First, right? He just flips over the car as if it were haphazardly placed Hot Wheels car… I was going to say “Matchbox cars” but then realised that even in my youth, Hot Wheels have bought Matchbox and nobody is that nostalgic about fucking die-cast toy cars…?

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Oh… they are…

Later, he’s doing some tai chi in Central Park, as you do and Jessica Henwick’s Colleen Wing donates some spare change since she believes him to be just your typical homeless guy. Jessica Henwick is an English actress who appeared in some BBC children’s adventure series alongside Benedict Wong who just so happens to be in Doctor Strange… another Marvel property, as if we weren’t already drowning in this shit.

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Henwick does a brilliant job and in later episodes, she is a fucking badass and now I’m assuming that she will get her own show. It’s on the cards right? I mean, I’m sure there’s going to be a Daredevil / Jessica Jones / Luke Cage and Iron Fist crossover…

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Of course there is and look! The girl is even standing at such an angle as to show off the curvature of her arse because that’s what media is. Entertainment Weekly totally fucked that up, it’s bullshit photoshop is what it is! Look at their feet? Fucking graphic designer couldn’t even be bothered to add some kind of shadow so now the characters look super imposed.

Next we head to the dojo where the Colleen Wing character is a martial arts instructor… because, of course she is! She’s one of those characters who really wants to improve the lives of inner city kids by teaching them how to fuck people up in style because nothing is more confident-boosting that learning how to crane-kick.
Danny wants to work for her and I guess he wants to get it on since I doubt he was getting much sex at the monastery… if he’d crashed near the Vatican then [insert obvious joke about Catholic Priests here]. She kicks him out but not before giving him a pair of shoes so I guess she’s pulling the old “playing hard to get” bullshit.

Overall this is an enjoyable show but was it necessary? Well, no art is actually necessary and would the television landscape appear any different if this series didn’t exist? Of course not, Iron Fist isn’t breaking new ground but it a fun show from what I’ve seen so far.
My favourite characters are the two siblings’ Joy and Ward. They’re uptight business executives who take life way too seriously and yet they’re fun to watch. They do “TV business”, the kind of “business” you only really see on TV, it’s all board meetings and people talking about figures for the next quarter and dumb abbreviations that make little to no real sense but it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a series show about “business”, it’s a fucking superhero show about a hippie with a magic fist.
I don’t even know what this fictional company does?
Fuck knows, they’re probably poisoning the water in some scummy, run down suburb while profiteering from modern day slavery, you know? that old cliché!

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So, would I recommend Iron Fist? Whatever. Like my opinion is any more valid that your own. You don’t need my validation, if you’ve already paid for Netflix then check it out or watch Star Trek Voyager or Louis Theroux? Make a choice and live by your code… I give Iron Fist; 5 whiny bitches moaning about white-washing out of 5.

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Twin Peaks “The Man Behind Glass” Episode 11

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I’ve read posts you people wouldn’t believe! Sorry, I was going to jump right in with this review/recap of episode 11 but I’ve just discovered something that has seriously pissed me off. IMDb, right! IMDb was my outlet, my last bastion of 90’s message board fun and now it’s gone. All those posts are now lost to time, like piss in rain… time to give up on clinging to the past.
I was involved in a decade-long discussion about the Shinya Tsukamoto film; “Vital” about a young man coming to terms with amnesia by unwittingly studying the corpse of his girlfriend who died in the same car crash that gave him the amnesia! It’s a touching movie and it’s nothing like Gen Sekiguchi’s “Survive Style 5+”; a film that also has a man who is coming to terms with the death of his girlfriend… same fucking actor… but completely different films okay?!
The result was a confusing mess of a discussion that spanned a decade and now it’s gone… gone like Rutger Hauer’s sanity.

Anyway, I know some of my regular readers will be slightly disappointed with this article since I have not found any Erdős-style link between any of the actors that appeared in this episode and Star Trek. I’ve practically exhausted all the principle cast members and the two new characters that appear in this episode have never appeared in an episode of any iteration of Star Trek… BUT! I have found a link to another popular science fiction show so… I guess you’ve got that to look forward to! Right?

The episode begins with an interesting “lazy susan” shot of Ronette Pulaski in the hospital. The camera continues shifting 360° until we halt on Cooper, Sheriff Truman and possibly my favourite character’ Albert Rosenfield.
Ronette is convulsing and needs to be restrained by hospital staff, Albert is the first to notice that Ronette’s I.V. drip bag has been spiked. They soon discover that the person who messed with her I.V. also stuck a small letter R under her finger nail. The modus operadi of the murderer of not just Laura Palmer but also Teresa Banks!

So far they’ve discovered the following letters; R, B and T… like an abbreviated “Robert” or “Bob”… it’s so easy being a detective. Shit, I’d happily give up my job and become a homicide detective as long as I can be even more cynical than I already am. Also, I like drinking a load of whisky, I’ve practically got the perfect makings of a detective!

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We catch up with… sigh, Donna. She appears in this episode quite a lot and there’s even a bit where her “method acting” comes into play.
She’s meeting up with the mysterious Mr. Smith. Harold Smith and he suffers from severe agoraphobia or agraphobia, apparently both can be inter-changeable. Odd, I thought “agraphobia” was the fear of sexual assault and “agoraphobia” was the antonym of claustrophobia but it’s not. Then again it’s quite rational to be afraid of sexual assault so I guess you don’t really need a “-phobia” word for that!
Anyway, Mr. Smith is undeniably creepy to the point where, if he was wearing a belt made from nipples you’d think; “Hey, he’s wearing a belt made from nipples! That’s our’ Harold!” But no, he’s not planning on dumping Donna in a hole and forcing her to [insert Silence of the Lambs references here]. Do androids dream of silent lambs? Silence of the electric sheep?
I’m not really going anywhere with that Bladerunner reference… or am I?

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Well, Mr. Harold Smith is played by Lenny Von Dohlen who is mostly known for the 1984 film’ “Electric Dreams” but he also appeared in one of the best episodes of Red Dwarf. Yep, that’s the science fiction reference I was referring to.

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In that episode he plays a cop who apprehends the Red Dwarf crew in a “full immersion video game”, you see, the crew have been apparently playing a game called “Red Dwarf” but they’ve actually been poisoned by a “despair squid” and so everything is a hallucination. The episode is exceptionally well done and it presents themes that really feel like a Philip K. Dick story.
Talking of dick, we’re also introduced to another character in this episode but more on that later.
Instead, Donna and Harold talk about Laura Palmer. She asks him how long he has known Laura and also why she never mentioned him to any of her other friends?
He expunges suspicion from her mind by informing her that they had known each other since she first started meals on wheels and that she liked to think of Harold as her mystery man. It’s not made clear if their relationship was of a sexual nature but Laura was an excessively sexual animal so I wouldn’t put it past her.
Anyway, he’s a bit of a horticulturist as evident by the ridiculous amount of flowers in his home.

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He got in contact with Donna because he wanted her to place a flower on Laura’s grave.
Being an agoraphobic, he can’t do it himself so he’s hoping Donna could do him a favour.

Here’s another reference to Red Dwarf;

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The next scene involves; Cooper going over the evidence they have on the letters that were found under the victim’s fingernails as well as a list of people who have seen Bob. This is Laura’s mom, Cooper himself, Maddy and Ronette. He explains that there is a psychic link, Albert is being his usual sarcastic self. He even insults Sheriff Truman again and this results in Truman threatening to punch Albert again.
Then we get this awesome bit of dialogue;
“Now you listen to me. While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is that I am a naysayer and hatchetman in the fight against violence. I pride myself in taking a punch and I’ll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King. My concerns are global. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method… is love. I love you Sheriff Truman.”
Replacing his shades, he leaves the room… Truman isn’t sure what to make of it.
Cooper tells him; “Albert’s path is a strange and difficult one.”

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While in the Sheriff’s Department, Lucy is visited by a man wearing a fucking ascot and dated Lucy while she and Deputy Andy were on a break. I can’t find the right word to describe him, he’s a complete…erm, a total? What’s the right word? Yeah, he’s an utter twat.
His name is Dick and the irony is not lost whenever anybody mentions his name. It becomes a bit of a rolling gag during the second season.
Anyway, he wants to take Lucy out for lunch and so we’re treated to a scene that only exists for two reasons. 1) To show the audience that this Dick guy is a monumental… bellend and 2) To further progress this dumb new plot line; who is the father of Lucy’s baby?
It’s fairly forgettable, much like this pantomime character’ Dick.

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Back at the Sheriff’s Department, Leland Palmer informs Sheriff Truman and Dale Cooper that he knows Bob. He remembers him from when he was a kid and Bob used to frighten him, he also seemed a bit obsessed with fire and then Leland repeats a line that Bob used to say; “Do you want to play with fire, little boy?”
Truman heard the same sentence from James when he was recalling a moment he heard it from Laura. There’s no doubt that Bob is most certainly involved! See… I’m a great fucking detective!

James and Maddy are in the diner, furthering this slightly boring plot line and when Donna see’s Maddy’s hand on James’ she starts utilising that “method acting” that I previously mentioned.
In a very recent interview Sherilyn Fenn said (this part is taken from http://www.alternativenation.net/david-lynch-thought-twin-peaks-stars-in-love-actor-kiboshed-storyline/); “There was no plan, Dale Cooper ended up at the hotel, so put her with Audrey. We weren’t supposed to be together, but after we were together, something was on film that really worked, and instead of having his character go towards Joan Chen, which was their original plan, they had him start to come towards me. So his girlfriend, Lara Flynn Boyle [Donna], kiboshes an astonishing thing.”

She added, “I remember saying, ‘David [Lynch], is this how it goes? An actor complains, because she’s the girlfriend, and then you change?’ Then she started smoking in scenes, and doing strange things, I think she danced in a scene.”

“I was really upset they moved me away from Dale Cooper. The funniest thing, which you maybe heard me say before, is now Kyle [MacLachlan] will admit the truth, then he wouldn’t. At the time, he was saying, ‘No, her character is too young for me.’ Okay, meanwhile he is with a girlfriend, I’m 24-25, his girlfriend is 19, right, get it? Madchen [Amick] is 17, and then they bring in Heather [Graham], who is younger [too]. Whatever, silly.”

“On screen chemistry can be very different from off screen chemistry. Kyle and I were friends, we didn’t have what I’d call chemistry, but when Special Agent Dale Cooper and Audrey Horne came together, something happened. It just did, and at some point, David said, ‘Are you in love with Kyle?’ I said, ‘God no! No! Not even a little! Not at all, but Audrey thinks he’s the bees knees.”

Digressing back to the episode; it seems obvious that Lara Flynn Boyle has a serious issue with jealously to such an extent that she utilises it as a form of method acting. It’s obvious on screen, her scenes where she portrays jealous emotions seem exceptionally authentic.

It is really frustrating because once the whole Laura Palmer investigation plot is over, Audrey and Cooper rarely spend any time together and I think they play off each other so well. Hopefully, we’ll see this on screen chemistry in the upcoming season three.

Actually, this is a good time to mention this; season three will be starting in a month’s time (at time of writing, obviously) and my usual articles will take a slight hiatus while I focus on the new season. I plan on writing the usual bullshit shortly after each new episode then once we’ve all been hugely disappointed with the new season, I shall return to the comfort of the old shit from 1991… and to think I was hoping to finish the whole series prior to the release of the new one! Hey, even the best-laid plans of a GCSE-studied book often goes awry, all right!

Talking of Audrey, here’s a scene at One Eyed Jack’s. Blackie and Emory Battis have her tied up and doped up and all the while one of the other show girls is shooting the whole thing onto tape. It’s actually quite dark, there’s this young girl who has been held captive and her captors have injected her with heroin. Pretty dark and yet by the end of the scene Blackie even mentions that this whole scenario bares resemblance to what happened between her and Benjamin Horne.

We return to the Sheriff’s Department where Shelly Johnson is seeding her insurance fraud scam, Cooper can see through her bullshit. Mike, the one armed man is also there and selling shoes to Sheriff Truman. When he notices the wanted poster of Bob, Mike retires to the toilet to dose himself with medicine, his episode of panic attack subsides and he exits the toilet cubicle as a man possessed and desperate to find Bob. The syringe he was about to inject himself with remains idle on the floor.

Next, we’re introduced to Jacques Renault’s brother’ Jean. Michael Parks has an impressive CV! Check him out on IMDb… fucking IMDB… fuck you, IMDb! Can’t believe they fucking got rid of their message boards!

C’mon Graham! You’re nearly at the 2000 mark… time to wrap this shit up!

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Cooper and Truman speak to Dr. Jacoby who is recovering from his heart attack. His hospital bed looks more like an Hawaiian fever dream and a young, pretty girl is also there… apparently she is his wife. She looks like she’s barely 18 but fuck it, we know Dr. Jacoby is riding the cusp of paedophilia. Anyway, Cooper and Truman… I wonder what their mileage is in just this one episode? They’re travelling all over the fucking place!
So, they’re here to question him on the murder of Jacques Renault and I should mention that his brother’ Jean has been introduced in this episode because he wants revenge for the death of his brother. He, apparently blames Cooper for Jacques death, even though we all know it’s Leland.

In order for Dr. Jacoby to remember the events leading up to Jacques murder, he needs Cooper to hypnotise him and just when he’s about to tell them (and the viewer) we cut to Donna laying Mr. Smith’s fucking flower on Laura’s grave.
Then she starts getting all jealous like the dickhead she is and yeah, she ends up walking in on James and Maddy sharing a hug and a kiss… then she turns the jealously up to 11 and storms off! I’m guessing that the Donna character and Lara Flynn Boyle are just too fucking similar to be classed as “acting”. No wonder she’s not in the upcoming season three… she’s probably going to go full; “Sean Young”, you should never go full “Sean Young”!

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The episode ends with jealous Donna visiting Mr. Smith and noticing that Laura had another, secret diary that is in the possession of this fucking nut job.

I give this episode 10 Starbugs out of 10 and smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.

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Hotline Miami

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Ever been amongst friends and asked the question; what are your top ten favourite videogames of all time? Well, I’m not doing a top ten list, sorry. But I’m talking about one game that will forever be in my top ten and that game is Hotline Miami.

Created by Dennaton Games (Programmer’ Jonatan Söderström and Artist’ Dennis Wedin) and published in October 2012 amongst a vast plethora of Triple A titles, Max Payne 3, Black Ops II and Halo 4 as examples. There was one game that gave me an experience that far outweighed it’s bigger budget contemporaries. In my previous examples, of which I’ve only played Max Payne 3 and Blops2; Hotline Miami in all it’s dayglow 16Bit glory cemented its characters, location and narrative into my memory in a way that those aforementioned first/third-person-shooters didn’t.
Five years later and I’m not playing Max Payne 3 or Black Op II, no, I’m still playing Hotline Miami and the reason for this is certainly down to the how the game presents itself.

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We’re thrown into a new reality that resembles an ever more hyperbolic, drug-fuelled and violent version of 80’s Miami. We view this world with brain-damage induced synesthesia and neon sunglasses. Our ears are filled with the sounds of stylish murder and faux-80’s synth.
It’s a shot of heroin with an nostalgia chaser before being thrown into the lapping waves of South Beach. Each day starts with ringing synapses and even louder ringing phones, the stale taste of too many B52’s and Singapore Slings still linger in the mouth. The memory of gouging eyes and splitting skulls no longer causes nausea.
This is Hotline Miami.
And to think that this game resembled a 16Bit top down shooter of old. A game that is more than just anachronistic in aesthetic, since many parts of the game’s meandering plot (spread over 2 games) takes place prior to start of the 16Bit era. 16Bit games didn’t start appearing until late 1987 and even then it would be a year before the era of the Super Nintendo and Sega Mega Drive (Genesis).
Our first introduction to the world of Hotline Miami starts on 3rd April 1989. I would have been 6 years old and as far as I’m aware, there was no masked vigilante roaming around Miami with a lust for ultra violence.

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But how does this game operate and what makes it different from other games of the genre?

Let’s look at the mechanics of the game. Hotline Miami is an assertively slick and quick reactionary’ top down shooter where you die, over and over again, until you persevere with only muscle memory as your only helpful trait.
An enemy can kill you in less than a second, you have no health meter and more often than not you will start each level with only your fists. Weapons are numerous; from pistols to shotguns, lead pipes to fire axes. There’s even a frying pan in two of the levels, a detail that can be easily missed amongst the frenetic action and splashes of claret.
And this is where this game furthers it’s anachronistic personality since there is no way this game could be played on an old gamepad or joystick of the era. Dual analogue thumb sticks or the precision of a mouse and keyboard is the key for survival and yes, I know that there were mouse and keyboards in 1989 but did you see a games console or arcade machine with such peripheries? No.

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After completing each level, the player is scored against factors ranging from Killings, Boldness, Combos, Time Bonus, Flexibility, Mobility and Special. Though, I will admit that I’m not sure how these factors are actually scored and I’ve been given a low rating despite finishing a level quick and efficiently… obtaining an A+ rating for each level is a formidable task for even the most accomplished of gamer!

The story of Hotline Miami follows an unnamed protagonist that fan’s started calling; “Jacket”. He’s semi based off of Ryan Gosling’s character from Drive. He’s a former US Special Forces operative turned brainwashed vigilante for the cause of a secretive society known only as 50 Blessings. Throughout the game, Jacket is given assassination missions by mysterious and cryptic answering machine messages… this all seems simple enough right? Well, did I mention that San Francisco was nuked in 1985 after both the US President and USSR President were assassinated? No? Well, this is a plot point that can be easily missed if you’re playing both Hotline Miami 1 and 2 without taking in it’s complex and divergent narrative.
An entire book could be written on the intricacies of the story line. How a collection of a few choice pixels can speak volumes instead of a huge info dump.
I’m fascinated by the plot, the characters and the world that Dennaton Games had created.
There’s a reason why Hotline Miami is a modern cult classic and that’s to do with my generation’s slight obsession with nostalgia for the 80’s but then again every generation has a fondness for things from 20 – 30 years previous. Look at American popular culture during the 70’s; Grease, American Graffiti and Happy Days were immensely popular at the time and those intellectual properties were about the 1950’s.

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By 2010, 80’s revivalist movies had appeared fairly regularly in the cinema. Remakes of Nightmare on Elm Street, The A-Team and The Karate Kid reminded us why movies were better in the 80’s. In 2015 people kept asking where their hoverboard and flying cars were.
I suppose we seek warmth and security from a time where we had no real responsibilities, where the term “social media” would have been easily attributed to a book club.
During the apex of 80’s revival, Hotline Miami was released and in a world where most games were brown and grey first person shooters, Hotline Miami gave us a game that not only harked back to our youth but played incredibly well.
It also helps that through all the frustration of trying to complete that one (pain in the arse) level the game also gave you immense dopamine-induced satisfaction.
By the end of the first game you’re even asked to question your own association with violence and why you enjoy it. It’s provocative in a sense, after all you’re not entirely expecting this game to ask such a poignant question.

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If you’ve never played these games then I urge you to pick it up. It’s available on Steam, PSN or Xbox Live and prepare to start listing Pertubator or Carpenter Brut as your new favourite musicians.

I give both Hotline Miami 1 & 2; 5 Star Trek references in a review for Twin Peaks out of 5.

Twin Peaks “Coma” Episode 10

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My last review was a bit quote heavy and made up 16.8% of my last article. Oh man, that was a long ass article. Jesus! My sincerest of apologies, I shall endeavour to be more concise and I have already name checked the irregular cast members to see if they’ve appeared in Star Trek.

None of them have so… I’m all out of ideas!

Our episode begins like so many episodes have done before; at the Great Northern Hotel. Cooper and Albert Rosenfield are having breakfast while a smoking barbershop quartet hum in the background. They’re oddly positioned within the frame while in the foreground Cooper and Albert almost bookend the aforementioned quartet. The two FBI agents discuss Jacques Renault’s murder… he was suffocated! See! I said that in my last piece. That’s not me being completely oblivious on how a fucking script works! Sometimes mistakes do happen… why does this sound like some weird confessional? Anyway, Cooper attempts to enlighten Albert on the history of King Thothori Nyantsen, the first Tibetan King to be touched by the Dharma and in by doing so, he and the Kings that succeeding him were known as the Happy Generations.

He belonged to the Yarlung Dynasty from Southern Tibet and Buddhist legend tells of a chest that fell from the sky and landed on the roof of his palace. Inside the chest were four items, including one of those cool Singing Bowls, some jewels and one of those little yellow capsules you get inside Kinder eggs.

What relevance does this story share with this episode? Well, Cooper once had a dream about the plight of the Tibetan people and in this dream a secret Tibetan method of deduction was revealed to him.

I had a dream where I was thrown into a deep pit by modern day pirates on a tropical island, the pit functioned as a toilet and for two days the men would use the quite large latrine to shit and piss on me while they waited for me to die. Then on the third day, starved, fatigued and ill from being pissed and shitted on, one of the men slipped and fell. I bite his nose off and gouged his eyes until he either died from the agony or from choking on his own blood.

Using his machete, I severed his limbs and used his bones to climb out of the pit… I never gained any special deduction method from that fucked up dream but I now know how to make a ladder.

Digressing back to the scene, we learn from Albert Rosenfield that the FBI have no lead on Jacques Renault’s killer. This is obviously good news for Leland Palmer.

Agent Cooper also informs him that his ring is gone, vanished during his spiritual visitation.

This scene ends with a suspicious Asian Man, I kid you not, his character name is “Asian Man”.

He’s definitely Asian, Japanese to be exact. The actor is Mak Takano and I urge you to check out his website; www.maktakano.com

He’s basically, the most Japanese man on the fucking planet. There’s this massive picture of him, being all stoic while wearing a Gi, he’s even got a fucking black belt! The Shō pipe music that plays in the background fully cements Mak Takano-san as one of, if not the most Japanese man on the planet.

If he doesn’t spend every dawn, meditating on top of a mountain or practising his Kamehameha technique then I just don’t know if I could handle that level of disappointment. Reality would undoubtedly collapse due to a severe lapse in logic. Maths would stop working and our planet, no, the fucking universe would end up looking very much like a shrivelled up and burnt old sphincter.

Japan, yeah!

Our next scene just gets weird, like unsettling’ weird. Donna is dressed like a middle aged woman who is clearing out the garage on a Sunday. She’s wearing a body warmer, come on Donna! You were looking pretty damn sassy in the last episode. What happened?

Shit, it’s the son of David Lynch in this scene! I guess, you have seen Eraserhead right? David Lynch made a film about parental anxiety. The main character’ Henry Spencer (Jack Nance) murders his own offspring but not before allowing said offspring to become sick. Then he fantasises about a girl who steps on unborn babies… and David Lynch is a father?!

Wow!

Anyway, Donna is following up on her own investigation. She’s taken over Laura Palmer’s meals on wheels job in her own investigative attempt where she meets Mrs. Tremond played by the forever old’ Frances Bay.

Frances Bay was an odd one, odd but cool. She made her acting début at the age of 59. She left her parents at age 16 to pursue a life in Hollywood… I guess she kept on walking past LA, by accident? I dunno, maybe she crawled her way to Hollywood, maybe pretended to be a dog with worms and shimmied her arse all the way to Hollywood?!

Anyway, she eventually made it to Hollywood and starred in Kojak, Happy Days and a shit load of films and TV shows. She even appeared in Karate Kid and Happy Gilmore.

If anyone could claim to be a prolific old lady in TV and film then it is Frances Bay… her last movie was released in 2013 and she’s probably still playing old ladies in films in Heaven because heaven’s a thing I guess?

The scene involving Mrs. Tremond and Donna is brilliantly off kilter. I know, I like to hate on the whole Donna and James bullshit but that doesn’t mean I dislike the characters. Donna gives Mrs. Tremond an apprehensive side glance, it’s a great facial expression and for some reason it sticks in my mind.

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Anyway, this scene is incredibly cryptic. With the “young David Lynch” stealing the creamed corn from Frances Bay’s plate with “magic”. I’m sure there is some meaning behind it but fuck am I going to try and decipher it!

Donna leaves with some info from Mrs. Tremond; apparently “Mr. Smith” was a friend of Laura’s and he just so happens to live next door so Donna knocks on his door but he doesn’t answer. Maybe he’s got social anxiety or he’s agoraphobic or something, who knows?! Maybe we find out in the next episode… we do.

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Meanwhile, Agent Cooper and Sheriff Truman are at the hospital. Again. This time they want to talk to Ronette Pulaski who has been in a coma since the pilot episode. After a funny bit where both Cooper and Truman are trying to adjust the height of their seats. Cooper shows Ronette a couple of Deputy Andy’s sketches, one is of Leo Johnson while the other is of Bob and yet when the camera draws into focus, the sketch of Leo kind of looks a bit like Leland Palmer… odd, huh?!

When it comes to Bob’s picture, Ronette freaks out and repeats the word; “Train! Train! Train!”

Cooper already knew about the murder scene and Bob’s involvement so no new leads here.

What is interesting about this scene is how it ends; The electricity goes out but just before it does we can hear Bob’s wolf-like growl.

If you’re not aware by now that Twin Peaks has a supernatural element and you’ve seen up to the second episode of season two, then you fail at watching television. Me? I watch everything via a PlayStation so I also fail at watching television.

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It’s at this point in the episode where more of the comedic elements come into play. The next scene involves Ben and Jerry Horne, sitting by the fire place in Ben’s office at the Great Northern Hotel. Jerry is chewing on a delicious looking smoked cheese pig-thing, whatever it is, I want it.

They’re discussing Catherine’s ledgers and they’re at loggerheads as to which ledger they should destroy. Should they burn the fake one or the real one? Both have their own merits but since this is Ben and Jerry we’re talking about, they decide to eat food instead… namely’ roasted marshmallows.

It is certainly odd that Ben hasn’t noticed that Audrey is missing? She has spent the last couple of days in One Eyed Jack’s and you’re telling me that he’s not seen her at the hotel? She spent most of last season just loitering about the Great Northern so, c’mon Ben!?

At the Double R we catch up with Log Lady, she’s chewing on spruce gum. She did this in the last episode but I just assumed she was chewing on gum but apparently it’s called “pitch”. I had to research that because nobody chew’s “pitch” in England.

Here’s this little fact about “pitch”; “Real spruce gum is not easy to chew. It is not soft or sweet. Hard and crumbly is more accurate along with pieces of bark and bits of insects. But if you have good teeth and patience it will in time become a stiff gum. And if you leave it on your bedpost over night the gum turns hard and crumbly again.” – Green Deane (hwww.eattheweeds.com/a-pitch-for-spruce-gum/)

That’s pretty fucking disgusting! And it seems to be rarely sold in the States (nowadays), so if you want to chew of this shit, head towards the the Canadian border, near where Twin Peaks was filmed… I’m telling you, it’s the perfect place to find the good shit! Some primo Black Spruce, Picea mariana, hombre!

Totally went off topic there but I’d never heard of spruce gum before and if you’re a millenial reading this then I guess you’ve probably not heard of it either!

Anyway, the scene with Log Lady is a set up for a later scene. She talks to Major Briggs at the Double R diner and informs him that her log has something to tell him. Log Lady “translates” the log; “Deliver the message”, the log insists. The mind spunk within Major Briggs head cavity starts to churn, he knows exactly what the “message” he must “deliver” and fuck… we’re getting into X Files territory here but more on that at the end… basically Major Briggs visits Cooper and… well, look I’m only five minutes into the episode alright…

Anyway I digress, talking about “spunk”? the next scene is about Deputy Andy telling Lucy that he can’t possibly be the father of her baby because he had a sperm count and the Doctors told him that he was sterile, he proclaims that he first thought that being sterile meant he doesn’t need to take a bath but then again, he only donated sperm because he “likes whales”… Andy is just dumb, he’s like, later season’ Homer Simpson or final season# Joey from Friends.

Friends… what a great show, amiright?

Since we’re at the Sheriff’s Department we might as well catch up with Sheriff Truman and Cooper. Hank had dropped by to sign his weekly parole papers and it is in this scene that we learn that Hank and Truman used to be friends, like full on BFFs but nothing last forever and despite Hank being one of the best damned Bookhouse Boy’, he’s still the worst. But sometimes a person’s worst-self is their best-self and Hank is the best scum bag north of Leo Johnson.

Hank leaves and Cooper receives a call… it’s Ben Horne and he’s only just realised that Audrey is missing.

Ben Horne still has business to attend to…yep, that fucking Ghostwood Estate thing with the Icelandics. Ever heard of that Icelandic phone app? It’s called Islendiga-App and its purpose is to stop Icelanders from accidentally dating their cousin. There’s like, only 300,000 people in Iceland? I guess, it’s quite a common occurrence?

Anyway, the Icelanders are concerned for the future of Ghostwood on account of the lumber mill fire and since Leland Palmer is Ben’s accountant, he has tried his to best to mitigate any issues much to annoyance of Ben and Jerry. Leland seems completely oblivious to just how dirty his clients are.

Then Leland spots the wanted poster featuring Bob and it is here that we learn that Leland knows “of that man”. Leland goes on to mention that he knew him when he was a boy and it sounds like Bob probably molested a young Leland Palmer!? Just how old is Bob?

As we head towards the last quarter of the episode it’s worth mentioning that this episode is one of the ones that David Lynch directed. It’s got all the hall marks of a David Lynch directed episode… it even says it at the beginning!

That’s probably why he stuck his son in there?

You ever wonder what goes through the mind of someone with really weird fetishes? Like, why a person is turned on by the strangest shit? Look, I can understand someone having a foot fetish but how does someone discover that they’re sexually attracted to the idea of listening to a vacuum cleaner?

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Audrey confronts Emory Battis, he’s the guy who manages the perfume counter at Ben’s store. She surprises him with some asphyxiation erotica but not the good kind, not the David Carridine kind.

No, she wants answers and she’s Audrey Horne and she always gets what she wants!

Unfortunately, despite learning of her father’s connection to Laura Palmer there’s no real tangible evidence. I doubt Emory Battis is going to testify?

He’s strung up like a Japanese schoolgirl for fucksake, he’s in no position to do anything!

Cooper is about to hit the sack when Major Briggs comes to deliver a very important message… basically the parts of Cooper’s conversation with the giant in the last episode has been intercepted by Major Briggs’ radio telescope. His classified mission is to listen out for aliens and as far as he’s aware, aliens have made contact in the most Lynchian of ways.

What could have been explained as the delusions of a shot man at death’s door now has substance.

This mystery has certainly taken yet another unexpected turn!

Talking of unexpected turns, here’s the next scene on YouTube… just watch it, seriously. It’s one of, if not the most cheesiest fucking thing you’ll ever see in your miserable life. Watch it, digest it and thank me for giving you this fucking cheeseboard:

But then Maddy gets a visitation from Bob and the cheesiest scene turns into carefully realised horror. Bravo David Lynch, bravo.

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And finally, we conclude with Cooper as he dreams all kind of shit. He’s awoken by Audrey who is calling from One Eyed Jack’s but before she can tell him of her location the phone is cut off my Blackie. Audrey is in some serious shit!

Overall, this is a brilliant episode made better by having Lynch in the captain’s chair and since I have made any references to Star Trek yet… well, apart from “captain’s chair”… he’s a picture of Richard “Ben Horne” Beymer in an episode of Star Trek Deep Space Fucking Nine!!!

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