For those that have been keeping up with the new Twin Peaks show… apparently called; Twin Peak: The Return. Seriously? Does anyone even refer to this show as “The Return”? It’s “Twin Peaks”, right? Anyway, for those that have been keeping up with that new Twin Peaks, you’re obviously aware that what we’re watching is pure, unadulterated, high-octane Lynch at it’s finest.
I could waffle on about the dream I had about Monica Bellucci but to be honest, I haven’t had an erotic dream about her since I watched Irréversible in the cinema. It was probably 2003 and my local UGC used to show the latest Tartan Video releases.
By the end of that harrowing and yet surprisingly beautiful film there were, probably, three people left in the cinema. A third of the audience ended up leaving when that guy got his head caved-in with a fire extinguisher and the rest absconded during the powerful and yet very fucking uncomfortable scene where (SPOILER ALERT) Monica Bellucci’s Alex got raped and beaten.
After that, my subconscious disallowed any potential wet dream… what the fuck?!
Did I seriously just write that?
I guess I did.
Anyway, welcome to the the fifteenth episode of Twin Peaks! We’re half way through the original series and I’ve nearly been writing these fucking articles for a year. Jesus… procrastination is a wondrous thing. I can’t believe I actually said I would write a Twin Peaks review every week! I was so naive!
“Large house, made of wood, surrounded by trees, a house is filled with many rooms, each alike, but occupied by different souls night after night” repeats Mike in the company of Hawk, Cole, Cooper, Andy and OG Truman. You may remember at the end of the previous episode, Mike presented Cooper with a riddle. Well, Mike is now kinda like the “previously on Lost” guy presenting us with a nice little recap to get us in the mood.
Gordon Cole is buggering off on secret business, Hawk’s gonna finish his coffee and look through all the pages of both of Laura’s diaries while Cooper, Truman and Mike set off to the Great Northern in hope of finding the host to the demon known as; “Bob”. It’s a fun scene and even if you missed the “Directed by David Lynch” part of the opening credits, it’s hard to shake off the feeling that this is definitely a David Lynch directed episode. Now, be mindful of this because this is actually the fifth episode that Lynch actually directed… discounting the “THE RETURN of the TWIN PEAKS”, he only fucking directed six episodes… lazy cunt.
The next episode Lynch would direct won’t be until the final episode entitled; “You’ve gotta wait until 2017 bitches!”.
The next scene takes place at the Great Northern and the sound design is absolutely on point.
A slapping and hollow cacophony surrounds Mike as he says; “No… no… no…”.
There’s a queue of hotel guests and sailors. Cooper and Truman present each guest to Mike as he inspects each and every one.
But Mike is without chemicals and he ends up having a rather loud seizure.
Ben Horne strides down the corridor towards the reception. He’s obviously frustrated and irate at all the commotion but as Mike collapses, he points at the ol’ sleaze ball.
Ben’s totally been fingered!
Following Cooper’s orders, Hawk enters Harold Smith’s home where he was hoping to find Laura Palmer’s secret diary but instead he finds the place totally trashed and Harold’s just chilling out and hanging from a noose… as you do. Well, this is quite a predicament. Isn’t it?!
So Maddy Ferguson hasn’t actually left Twin Peaks yet… apparently she needs to get on with her own life. She’s got a job, goddamnit! Sarah Palmer is her typical, tortured self and it seems she doesn’t want her to leave. Leland cosies up to Maddy and wishes her all the best.
In a weird, fucked up way these bereaved parents had their own surrogate Laura but it’s time for this “Laura” to go… in more ways that one, I guess!?
Harold Smith died as possibly, the most pretentious wanker in the whole of Twin Peaks. Hanging from the rafters with a fucking note that says; “I’m a lonely soul” in French.
Laura’s secret diary is torn to shreds and covered in the soil from his bullshit orchids and all Coop can say is; “Pay dirt.”
Thug Life, Cooper. Thug Life.
Everybody, even my fucking Amazon Echo Dot knows that “42” is the answer to life, the universe and everything. And it just so happens that Shelly will be left with only $42 a month after all her bills, including all Leo’s medical fees. Leo is just sitting there and drooling like Rick Sanchez.
You’ve got to hand it to Eric Da Re, he’s actually pretty good at playing a vegetable.
Shelly is freaking out and Bobby is actually trying to distance himself from the entire bullshit situation. Keep it classy, Bobby.
Then the brain damaged’ Leo spits out the words; “new shoes”. Shelly freaks out even more and Bobby tries to downplay it as just casual burping until Leo repeats; “new shoes” again.
Audrey’s looking all grunge and yeah… I still fancy the hell out of Audrey Horne.
Anyway, she finally gives it to her old man… no, I’m not talking sex, fucks sake.
She actually tells her father’ Ben that she knows all about One Eyed Jack’s and how he owns it.
He denies everything, just like he obviously would until Audrey tells her father about that incredibly awkward moment when she was wearing a white kitty mask and he was trying to have his way with her before he was interrupted by Jerry.
He’s now putty in her hands and he willingly divulges everything to her, including what he knows about Laura Palmer.
“Did you murder her?” She asks.
He stares at a framed photograph on his desk and weeps; “No, I loved her.”
Why the fuck has he got a photograph of Laura on his desk?
Okay, imagine for a moment; you’re this guy in his forties. You’re a rich entrepreneur with a hotel and supposedly lucrative department store, you’re always a shady-as-fuck guy with his fingers in pies and you’ve got a photograph of a young girl on your desk… a young girl that was recently murdered.
Nobody. Not one person. Ever, ever mentions how weird that is?
Welcome to Twin Peaks!
Oh Peggy Lipton, you’re so wholesome and lovely. I mean, Norma. Isn’t Norma just the nicest? Anyway, here is Norma in the Double R Diner and she’s comforting a distraught Shelly. You see, Shelly has to quit her job to become a full time carer. Then Big Ed and Nadine enter…
Nadine is still a women who is supposedly in her mid to late 30’s but she’s absolutely convinced that she’s 18 again.
Nadine recognises Norma and asks her how long she’s been working at the diner, Norma replies that she’s been working here for twenty years. Nadine doesn’t believe her and Big Ed gestures for Norma to play a long.
Anyway, Big Ed is totally lost and asks for a coffee, Nadine wants a chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream but when presented with the glass, she breaks it with her super human grip.
Must like the scene in a previous episode where the awesome’ Ray Wise cut his hand on the broken glass of Laura’s picture frame, it wouldn’t surprise me if Nadine’s Wendy Robie actually cut her hand with this broken glass.
Her hands are coated in whipped cream and blood and she is in an almost euphoric state.
She tells Big Ed that she’s so incredibly happy and plants a big old kiss on the big lug.
His eyes stare at her in horror…
Poor Big Ed.
Hey, remember Bobby’s letterman jacket-wearing friend’ Mike, I had referred to him as “Not Eric Stoltz”? If you don’t remember then I suggest you completely re-read all my reviews and maybe search for me on Patreon. I’ve got one.
I know this is kinda weird but let’s try this for the sake of Pavlov’s dog, just go on my Patreon and give me some money. A dollar… maybe two million Zimbabwean dollars (I was trying to make a joke but upon researching the conversion rate of two million Zimbabwean dollars to British Pounds, it’s over four thousand quid). Anyway, it’s NOT Eric Stoltz.
So, Bobby is introducing Mike to the vegetable that is Leo Johnson. Leo is certainly a far cry from the man that threatened them in the woods in what feels like a lifetime ago.
I haven’t actually watched that episode since 2016!
Leo keeps saying; “new shoes” and so Bobby presents Leo with a pair of his boots. The same brand as the ones that Cooper and Truman found. Bobby smashes the heel with a hammer and discovers a microcassette.
It might not be the answer to Shelly’s financial worries but it’s something at least.
Meanwhile, Cooper is studying various pages of both diaries of Laura Palmer. He’s chatting with Laura Dern… I mean, “Diane”! Anyway, he’s interrupted by Audrey who looks a little bit dishevelled but in a hot stoner-girl kinda way. Determinating is in those beautiful, near wonky eyes of hers and she’s practically dobbing her father in.
Truman is there as witness!
“He told you all this?” Asked Cooper after Audrey explains that Ben screwed Laura and also owns One Eyed Jack’s.
Cooper informs Truman that they will need a warrant for Ben’s arrest.
Cooper also repeats one of the Giant’s riddles; “Without chemicals, he points”… Mike was “without chemicals” and he did, indeed point towards Ben Horne before he had his seizure.
I guess, that’s “evidence” (in nice big fucking quotation marks).
I swear, neither Mark Frost not David Lynch did any actual research. Cooper has been following the advice of supposed hallucinations and regardless of whether or not they’re real, Cooper can’t use any of it as apparent evidence. BUT HE DOES!
Christ, Frost and Lynch! Read a book on police law or whatever it’s called… I dunno, I didn’t do my research.
So Ben Horne and Mr. Tojamura are finalising their business agreement but suddenly Cooper, Truman and Hawk burst in. They’re taking him “down town” but Ben believes his own hyperbole and tries to make a run for it. Hawk restrains Ben while he’s acting like Donald Trump every time Melania denies him oral sex. Except Donald will always get his dick sucked by Melania because I don’t know? Stockholm Syndrome and lack of his self-respect, dignity and integrity.
Did this article just become a dumping ground for Trump slander? A “Trump-Dump”…? Fuck it.
It must be Wednesday! Sarah Palmer is dragging her drunken arse around the house while the record player is stuck’ skipping. It’s the prelude to a pretty major and seriously fucked up moment, not just for this show but for early 90’s television.
The next few scenes alternate between The Roadhouse and the Palmer residence… Plus; there’s bit when Mr. Tojamura freaks Pete Martell out by planting a big, wet kiss on him before explaining that he is actually Catherine Martell! Damn you Hollywood and your white-washing! You could’ve got a Japanese actor to play a Japanese man but instead you cast a fucking white woman! It’s like Ghost in the Shell 2017… “Ghost in Martell”…
I digress, there’s a pretty fucked up moment, not just for Twin Peaks but for early 90’s television.
We watch as Leland Palmer brutally beats, gropes and sexually abuses Maddy Ferguson. There’s no nudity but he forces himself on her and wraps his lips over her cheeks and chin. Albeit, we see Bob do this but it’s still her uncle’ Leland Palmer who has been possessed by Bob.
Everything from the sound design to the lighting lends itself to an incredibly creepy scene and I wouldn’t be surprised if this scene caused controversy at the time.
Anyway, Bob’s reveal and Maddy’s murder is inter-cut with scenes from the The Roadhouse; Cooper, Truman and Log Lady watch infinite-imp girl’ Julee Cruise, the hottest Orc in Mordor as she sings a couple of songs. Bobby is sat at the bar and in one of the booths’ we find Donna and James. Donna is lamenting Harold Smith’s death, she also wants James back in her arse (judging by my attempt at lip reading) and she also has a little bit a of cry.
If you’ve been keeping up with The Return(TM) then you’ll be aware of those odd, almost nonsensical scenes with unrecognisable characters being all existential in the exact same booth. Basically, Lynch likes that booth… maybe there’s ley lines converging on that booth?
Who the fuck knows?
Anyway, Cooper is told by The Giant that “It’s happening again” and then the old man from the first episode of season two apologises to Cooper, maybe because he failed to assist Cooper after he was shot but it’s more likely that he’s saying sorry for the now tragic death of Maddy.
So there you have it! We’re close to the end of “good” Twin Peaks because the good gets replaced by the bad… it’s like the show went to the fucking Black Lodge and was possessed by bullshit but guess what? I’m going to write about all that as well!
I’m giving this episode a solid 10 white horses in a living room out 10 and not because of bias for all thing’s Lynch… well, yeah… actually, it is bias.