At time of writing there’s been six new episodes with the seventh due to be broadcast later this weekend but forget about new Twin Peaks! Let’s take a look at episode 13, entitled; “The Orchid’s Curse”. Despite the episode name sounding like a reasonably good title for a 70’s American ninja movie we don’t actually get any martial arts… shame really, I was enjoying the craptastic bout between Hank and Mak Takano at the end of last episode.
We start our episode with an unfamiliar view of The Great Northern’s entrance and some cleverclog shoved a lovely mauve gradient filter on the camera lens. This makes the clouds look like they’re about to unleash some purple rain, purple rain… but Prince does not make an appearance. I guess he was too busy filming Graffiti Bridge, the sequel to 1984’s Purple Rain… or something… I’m sure there’s a point to this?
Anyway, Cooper’s alarm causes him to wake up and the first thing he must do is speak to Diane on his trusty dictaphone. He explains that he had a dream where he was eating a tasteless gumdrop until he realises that the gumdrop was in fact one of his ear plugs.
I often have reoccurring dreams and they always seem to be about sucking the most phallic examples of food until I realise this penis is no food at all! I’ve been duped!
But you know, while I allude to the idea of having my mouth violated in my sleep… male rape is not funny despite what countless TV shows and films would have you believe.
Pop culture is weird.
So… yeah? Anyway, you may recall that Cooper was shot a few episodes previous, so in order to “re-cooper-ate” faster than I can make references to that shit called “Star Trak”, he’s standing on his head? What?! Oh alright, whatever… anyway, it’s only then that he finds Audrey’s note that has remained hidden under his bed for the last few episodes.
Surely room service would’ve vacuumed his room? Apparently not!
At least now he knows where she’s been since the season one cliff hanger!
To be honest, the scene where she last speaks to Cooper over the phone I was under the impression that Cooper would have figured out where she was when she started gushing over how good he looked in a tuxedo but I guess Cooper isn’t staring at CCTV cameras in casinos yet… SHIT! Sorry, SPOILERS! I should have said that was a SPOILER for episode 4 or should I say; 34? Well, it will be numbered “34” on this blog because, things…
Down at the Sheriff’s Department, Hawk has returned from speaking to some of Leland’s old neighbours from when he was growing up. Nobody remembers Bob, it seems.
Also, Hawk really needs to go for a piss and so he hurries off… come to think of it, Bobby Briggs was speaking to another Sheriff Truman in episode 34 and he needed to go for a piss, so maybe that’s a reocurring theme? When people speak to someone called “Sheriff Truman” they usually need to take a leak… SHIT! Sorry! SPOILERS! I should have put a warning and I know I could very easily add a sentence to the top of this article, especially considering I could do that when I’m editing it but… fuck it.
Lucy makes a brief appearance in this episode, she’s off to Tacoma to visit her sister’ Gwen because I’m sure she’s bound to make an appearance later this season… shit… sorry, spoilers etc.
Anyway, Cooper arrives and informs Truman that he knows where Audrey is.
Over at the Johnson household, a salesman is demonstrating a cradle that is designed to be not very effective in hoisting up invalids into bed. It’s interesting to consider that both Cooper and Leo Johnson were shot in the torso and one of them is doing handstands, breaking into a dodgy casino / brothel to rescue a girl and the other is in Dribble City, Coma State.
Then again, Twin Peaks and making sense don’t tend to go hand in hand… just look at the first fifteen minutes of episode 33, Cooper travels through the nether realm only to escape through a plug socket… spoiler…
Anyway, Bobby has introduced himself as Leo’s cousin because he’s fucking Shelly and the salesman is from Clearwell Mobility or something, anyway the harness, cradle-thing is faulty as fuck and while Bobby and Shelly are presumably screwing (off screen), the salesman is stuck in the cradle and being thrown from left to right in comedic fashion.
It’s odd that the salesman is there to demonstrate the hoist since Judge Sternwood has not made a decision on whether or not Leo Johnson will be sent home from the hospital. He’s still one of the main suspects of… erm… shit, who was murdered?!
Talking of Judge Sternwood, he’s presiding over the Jacques Renault murder case with Leland Palmer standing trial for the aforementioned murder. We’re not in a courthouse but instead we’re at the Bang Bang Bar because it doesn’t open until the evening and the cleaner couldn’t be bothered to sweep the up the peanut husk covered floor. I’m not sure why the trial is being held in a bar but maybe that’s just the kind of thing that a sawmill town does! So, the DA wants Leland to be detained without bail but then good ol’ Harry S. Truman…
…not that one, gives a good spiel regarding Leland Palmer being “an all right geezer who wouldn’ ‘arm a fly” so Judge Sternwood’s like, “yeah fam, Ayez no dickhed. Dat Leland iz safe innit, ‘e’s hair is fuckin’ nang bruv!” Or something along those lines?
Hey, Donna’s being a cunt again! Down a shot! Sorry! I forget that that I’m often playing my own drinking game whenever I’m watching Twin Peaks. Every time James sulks or Donna acts like a cunt, I mainline a pint of vodka… obviously I don’t but… you know it’s weird but the more I learn about all the shit that happened behind the scenes the more I genuinely dislike Lara Flynn Boyle. She seems like a right bitch and I’ve already touched upon her ability to “method act” like a jealous dumbass in a previous article but here she is; ruining an agoraphobe by forcing him outside.
Next she’s going to force the blind to see by snapping their canes and killing their guide dogs!
In Donna’s attempt to steal Laura’s secret diary she tricks poor, creepy Harold Smith into stepping foot outside his front door where he ends up having a seizure. It’s almost like the start of an episode of House… except Massive Attack doesn’t play… yeah…
So we return to the Bang Bang Bar and the Judge is examining all the evidence against Leo Johnson. Even though he’s a vegetable, the town of Twin Peaks needs some closure to the whole Laura Palmer-thing. During a brief recess, the Judge talks to Truman and Cooper.
Cooper is absolutely certain that Leo isn’t the killer.
Judge Sternwood decides that Leo should not stand trial and that he should be sent back home and into Shelly’s care. Shelly seems a bit lost but at least she’ll benefit from all that supposed money, hah! Yeah, like anyone can live off a carer’s allowance!? You’d be more financial endowed if you became a vegetable yourself!
It’s worth mentioning that the District Attorney that is present during Leland’s trial is the same guy that Norma and Hank mistake for the travel writer in the previous episode. Hank had stolen the DA’s wallet and the DA reminds me of this character;
Come to think of it…? I don’t believe that it was worth mentioning that at all!
Next in a long line of plots is Nadine’s fractured psyche. Big Ed has brought her home from the hospital and she still believes that she’s 18 years old and in high school. James is there to greet them and he’s shocked by the change in Nadine’s personality. Big Ed tells him that they will need to “roll with the punches”, in other words; it’s a bit like Good Bye Lenin, that German film starring Daniel Brühl. Set in 1989 East Berlin, a young man’s mother is hospitalised prior to the collapse of Communism. The doctor advised that the mother shouldn’t stress out because it might kill her but she’s a massive Commie so what will happen when she discovers that the country she loves is no longer under Soviet rule?
Okay, it’s completely different and there’s no correlation other than the fact that the mother in Good Bye Lenin is a woman and so is Nadine actress’ Wendy Robie… it’s a tenuous link but…
Anyway, we get a reminder that Nadine has super human strength because she accidentally rips the door off the fridge. I guess they’ll have to throw some of the food away now, what a waste.
Our next scene involves everyone’s favourite racist stereotype’ Mr. Tojamura, it’s blatantly prosthetics. I remember watching TV in the early 90’s where everything was in 4:3 ratio and in crappy definition but it’s still obviously someone in fucking make up… it’s Piper Laurie in yellow face and it’s actually pretty hilarious. Anyway, “Mr. Tojamura” has a business proposition for Ben Horne. It’s a business proposal that will end up excluding the Icelanders from Ben’s Ghostwood Estate-thingy so he accepts Tojamura’s cheque for $5,000,000 and is exceptionally happy with himself.
After Tojamura leaves, Hank enters and Ben orders him to hide in the back room because Cooper is about to arrive for the ransom money. In the space of a few short minutes, Ben has made a deal with Mr. Tojamura, spoke to Jean Renault about paying Audrey’s ransom, instructed Cooper about the exchanging Audrey for the money and he’s ordered Hank to follow Cooper… he’s barely smoked two puffs from his cigar! He’s a busy man, that Benjamin Horne!
We catch up with Donna and Maddy, they’re planning to royally screw over Harold Smith and later in the episode they do! Basically, Donna seduces Harold and when she’s being a monumental cock tease, Maddy struggles to open the hidden compartment in Harold bookcase. When he discovers Donna’s betrayal, he loses his shit and when you think he’s going to stab them both he decides to ruin his creepy, creepy face with a hand rake.
At One Eyed Jack’s; Jean Renault is showing off his wonderful Assassin’s Creed cosplay to Blackie. He’s made a nifty spring loaded wrist knife… weapon thing and he’s totally not going to use it on Blackie later in this episode. Instead he plans to use this weapon against Cooper during the handover. Oh and they plan to kill Audrey as well, they’re villains, you see. It’s kinda what they do.
It appears that Deputy Andy is covering the reception and he’s covered in post-it notes. Interesting fact; a chemist at 3M was trying to invent a new type of super glue and failed but the result ended up being a low-tack adhesive… I’m not sure why he chose anaemic-yellow but maybe he was being conscious of dyslexics? Maybe? Fuck, I don’t know and I don’t even know if what I just typed was true or I just made it up?
You know what’s a good adhesive? Cum. Good old fashioned baby gravy and Deputy Andy has just received some relatively good news. He had weak sperm but apparently his spunk is now potent. Good work, Andy… you are, “a whole town”.
While at the Sheriff’s Department, Cooper and Truman are going over their super secret plan. They’ve decided to exclude Hawk because what they’re doing is incredibly illegal. Yes, he is an FBI agent but they’re crossing the border into Canada and that’s a big no, no.
Cooper and Truman have decided to wear black sweaters because black sweaters are the most stealthiest of apparel. Truman subdues a guard and they make their way inside where it’s not long until Cooper finds and rescues Audrey. As a strung out junkie, she’s still hot but she’s not in a fit state to walk so Cooper slings her over his shoulder while Truman witnesses Jean Renault murdering Blackie with his Assassin’s Creed write knife thing. Renault notices Truman and fires off a shot before making his escape.
As they’re about to leave One Eyed Jack’s they’re stopped by an armed guard but then they’re saved by Hawk who… holy fuck! He throws a massive knife that ends up lodged in the guy’s back, effectively making Hawk a murderer! Cripes!
A lot happens in this episode and we finally get some resolution with the Audrey kidnap plot. The one stand out moment, for me at least, was the moment when Cooper tells Judge Sternwood that he’s only been in Twin Peaks for 12 days! Less than a fortnight but when it comes to watching a show, it’s easy to lose track of time… just watch The Walking Dead and Carl’s character is supposed like, 12? But the actor is probably closer to 20 than 10.
As a final note… yes, I’m about to talk about Star Trek but the Jake Sisko character in Deep Space 9 started as a short 10 year old and by the end of the series he was taller than most of the principle cast… it’s called the fucking second law of thermodynamics!
I’m going to give this episode an arbitrary rating; 9 Prince Pseudonyms out of 9. Yes, Price did have 9 pseudonyms throughout his career… of course he did.