Netflix’ Iron First Episode One

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I’m not going to make a habit of reviewing Marvel intellectual properties. I mean, there’s a whole wealth of articles regarding the many fucking cinematic / televisual iterations of Marvel superheroes and I’m sorry if I accidentally confuse some characters from DC Comics with that of Marvel, it’s a given since I don’t read comic books… well, I read The Walking Dead and I believe the six volume opus that is Akira is one of the greatest pieces of literature from the last century. Watchman is a modern classic and pretty much most of 2000AD’s back catalogue of characters, like Judge Dredd, Rogue Trooper and ABC Warriors are better (in my opinion) to that of Spiderman or Wolverine. Hell, Wolverine and Deadpool wouldn’t look out of place on the pages of the “Galaxy’s Greatest Comic”!

But I do remember watching the 90’s Spiderman and X-Men cartoon shows as a kid, I was just not overly invested in characters that looked, well… a bit naff. I mean, look at this;ironfist

And I think Johnny Alpha looks like a badass and that dude has some weird fucking banana helmet!

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I digress, it’s not that I have a love / hate relationship with the “MCU” or “Marvel Cinematic uneh…” far from it, I thoroughly enjoyed Netflix’ Daredevil and Jessica Jones. I haven’t got around to watching Luke Cage yet so I guess that must make me a racist??!!
Watching him plough the tiny Jessica Jones was pretty fucking hot if you ask me… anyway, I’m not here to talk about people act-fucking, I’m talking about Iron Fist, or The Iron Fist or Danny Rand: The Immortal Iron Fist. You know? I never even heard about this character until now and he’s so lame that even the script likes to be a little bit tongue-in-cheek when it comes to his representation. Moments when he declares that he’s the “Iron Fist” is met with side glances and sighs but that doesn’t mean he’s a terrible character.

In fact, he’s one of the most fun lead characters in all of the Netflix / Marvel shows. Matt Murdock AKA Daredevil was a bit of a Bible-basher, hey I’ve read the New Testament in it’s entirety so I have a fondness for giving The Bible a good old frisky wank but he is a bit anally retentive. Jessica Jones was awesome but a bit of a pretentious cunt and Luke Cage is just a big mother fucker who is impervious to pretty much anything and because of this, his personality was almost too cool for mutant school. Danny Rand AKA Iron Fist has a likeable naivety about him. He’s cocky and yet modest, strong yet seemingly vulnerable in a world that he barely recognises as his own.

The first episode doesn’t really feel much like a Marvel superhero show. I don’t recall anyone even mentioning “Iron Fist” nor does he use his glowing yellow hand power… seriously? Is this, this guy’s fucking super power? He has an impervious glowing fist? Just one? Why doesn’t he just go full-on Super Saiyan? Also, he’s beyond adept at martial arts but then again, so are all the thugs that are sent to him later on in the episode. It’s a bit odd but it makes sense from a action sequence perspective because if he’s the only one that capable and he’s just round housing everyone into submission then each fight scene would be incredibly dull.

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We’re introduced to him while he’s walking, bare foot around Manhattan while listing to “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast. Very subtly ironic considering he looks like he’s the only guy not on drugs at Woodstock. His hair is a bit of a mess and he’s got a beard, he’s wearing a skanky hemp shirt thing and trousers that look like they smell of stale semen and dog piss and yet his eyes are clear, sober and infused with determination. As an viewer with no knowledge of who this character is, I’m most certainly intrigued and he’s even listening to an old early 2000’s iPod… dare I say, it’s a second generation iPod? Fuck, I don’t know? I once did a bit of research for my second episode “review” of Twin Peaks… thing is, I knew what a fucking 2nd gen iPod looks like since I’ve probably still got mine.

So why is Danny Rand perambulating around Manhattan looking like a gap year student who has just returned from travelling around Asia? Well, he’s only gone and survived a plane crash at age 10, only to be picked up by Nepalese monks and trained to be a fucking ninja.
This is some kind of David Carradine shit right here…

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So, Danny Rand was a rich kid whose father was an influential businessman. Both Danny’s parents died in the plane crash and Western society has believed Danny to have been dead for the last 15 years. It comes as no surprise when he arrives in the lobby of this exceptionally high end corporate ziggurat only to be told to leave. He looks like a homeless bum and that’s exactly what he is!
He has no home, hardly any possessions and he doesn’t even own a pair of shoes!
Anyway, he’s insistent about talking to “Harold” and nobody believes him to be Danny Rand.

Who would? Also, are you telling me that he’s spent the last 15 years in Nepal and he hasn’t picked up an accent? I’ve got an uncle who has lived in Canada for close to 20 years, maybe more, maybe less and he sounds quote Canadiany.

So he ends up using his martial arts to subdue a few guards (Iron Fist, not my uncle) and he nonchalantly escapes in a lift and heads to the top floor and this is where he meets his childhood friends whom have grown to become insufferable corporate twats. Neither of these two characters recognise Danny either! So he’s out on his arse again… and this is basically the plot of the entire first episode.

Danny the tramp is desperately trying to convince his old childhood friends that he is in fact the heir to this massive company and these two executive douches are just outright mean to him. It gets to a point where this episode and only this episode kinda feels like an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
My attention was still held for ransom and because this is Netflix, I ended watching the next episode and then the next.

After Danny’s failed attempt to speak to the only people who might recognise him for who is is, he heads to his own home. It’s one of those big old New York brownstones, he even remembers where the spare key is kept for the front door but the lock has since been changed and its then that we discover that he’s one hell of a Parkour expert. He steps up a mere 15ft balcony as if it were a curb.
A big dog growls at him and he uses his Buddhist/Crocodile Dundee shtick to subdue the animal before quietly closing the doors on the calmed pooch.
Then he starts abiding by stealth game logic where even if he’s slightly caste in shadow then nobody will be able to see him because his childhood friend’ Joy has returned home… Danny’s old home and he’s standing on a flight of stairs and watches her from like, not exactly far away and she’s totally oblivious?

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Anyway, he confronts Joy and tries his hardest to convince her and it’s all going well until he basically tells her that he broke into her home. She’s pissed at him and as he leaves, a taxi nearly ploughs into him except he’s the fucking Iron First, right? He just flips over the car as if it were haphazardly placed Hot Wheels car… I was going to say “Matchbox cars” but then realised that even in my youth, Hot Wheels have bought Matchbox and nobody is that nostalgic about fucking die-cast toy cars…?

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Oh… they are…

Later, he’s doing some tai chi in Central Park, as you do and Jessica Henwick’s Colleen Wing donates some spare change since she believes him to be just your typical homeless guy. Jessica Henwick is an English actress who appeared in some BBC children’s adventure series alongside Benedict Wong who just so happens to be in Doctor Strange… another Marvel property, as if we weren’t already drowning in this shit.

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Henwick does a brilliant job and in later episodes, she is a fucking badass and now I’m assuming that she will get her own show. It’s on the cards right? I mean, I’m sure there’s going to be a Daredevil / Jessica Jones / Luke Cage and Iron Fist crossover…

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Of course there is and look! The girl is even standing at such an angle as to show off the curvature of her arse because that’s what media is. Entertainment Weekly totally fucked that up, it’s bullshit photoshop is what it is! Look at their feet? Fucking graphic designer couldn’t even be bothered to add some kind of shadow so now the characters look super imposed.

Next we head to the dojo where the Colleen Wing character is a martial arts instructor… because, of course she is! She’s one of those characters who really wants to improve the lives of inner city kids by teaching them how to fuck people up in style because nothing is more confident-boosting that learning how to crane-kick.
Danny wants to work for her and I guess he wants to get it on since I doubt he was getting much sex at the monastery… if he’d crashed near the Vatican then [insert obvious joke about Catholic Priests here]. She kicks him out but not before giving him a pair of shoes so I guess she’s pulling the old “playing hard to get” bullshit.

Overall this is an enjoyable show but was it necessary? Well, no art is actually necessary and would the television landscape appear any different if this series didn’t exist? Of course not, Iron Fist isn’t breaking new ground but it a fun show from what I’ve seen so far.
My favourite characters are the two siblings’ Joy and Ward. They’re uptight business executives who take life way too seriously and yet they’re fun to watch. They do “TV business”, the kind of “business” you only really see on TV, it’s all board meetings and people talking about figures for the next quarter and dumb abbreviations that make little to no real sense but it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a series show about “business”, it’s a fucking superhero show about a hippie with a magic fist.
I don’t even know what this fictional company does?
Fuck knows, they’re probably poisoning the water in some scummy, run down suburb while profiteering from modern day slavery, you know? that old cliché!

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So, would I recommend Iron Fist? Whatever. Like my opinion is any more valid that your own. You don’t need my validation, if you’ve already paid for Netflix then check it out or watch Star Trek Voyager or Louis Theroux? Make a choice and live by your code… I give Iron Fist; 5 whiny bitches moaning about white-washing out of 5.

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