New Twin Peaks… First Impressions

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Co-creators David Lynch and Mark Frost have made things easy for me… Since many of my regular readers will be more than aware that I’m a a monumental Trekkie and practically all of my Twin Peaks “reviews” feature at least one reference to my favourite science-fiction franchise.

Well, Ashley Judd makes an appearance as Benjamin Horne’s business associate. So what? You may ask… or not? But I don’t care! I merely write these articles to be entirely masturbatory. I write for myself, goddamnit and if you don’t like them then there’s plenty of articles in this vast myriad of bullshit we call; WordPress.

So… Ashley Judd, wonderful and sexy’ Ashley Judd. You know, she’s prolific in the women’s rights movement. Fuck, seriously? Do we really need women’s rights in the 21st century? Is humanity that fucking dense? Every person on the planet comes out of a woman and there’s enough arseholes out there to justify having a discussion about gender equality? Fuck this planet, it’s dumb as shit and I’d rather hang out in the Black Lodge, in monochrome with Carel Struycken and a crazy tree with bubblegum stuck to the top… why the fuck aren’t we equal? What’s the problem!?

Sorry, I swear, the older I get the more of a feminist I become or as I like to refer to myself; a rational human being. Anyway, Ashley Judd appeared in a couple of episodes of The Next Generation as Ensign Lefler. She appeared in one of the best episodes and also one of the most hilariously awful episodes and I’m totally going to focus on the latter.

So… it’s the fifth season of Star Trek The Next Generation and Wesley Crusher is on holiday and visiting his “mom” and the rest of the Enterprise crew. But Riker being Riker has fucked some lady on the pleasure planet of Risa and he’s brought back a game that Trekkie’s affectionately called; “suck disk”… it’s a virtual reality game that give you high doses of dopamine by sucking up disks and eventually the entire crew gets hooked like it’s a 2016 university campus with a shit load of Pokémon Go gyms.

I know what you’re thinking, am I writing about Twin Peaks of Star Trek? But just like David Lynch I’m traversing against the grain. I’m not giving you what you want because this series outwardly refuses to do so, so why should I?

Was there much of Twin Peaks in the first four episodes? It’s hard to “Ashley Judge”… fuck… yeah, that was pretty bad.

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I think it’s fair to say that there’s more of David Lynch in these first four episodes than there is actual Twin Peaks. If you’re a fan then you’re basically a pig in shit. This is pure, 100%, fifth gear’ David Lynch. We start with a guy who is watching a glass box, he’s being paid to do this and it’s incredibly cryptic. From what I gather, this guy is almost like that die hard fan who has spent too much time (in front of a box) watching countless murder mystery TV shows in vain hope that one day Twin Peaks will return. Maybe it’s a metaphor? Maybe it’s not?

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We’re also teased with scenes taking place in a couple of familiar locations. We revisit Ben and Jerry Horne. Ben’s still the cigar chomping businessman, Jerry is still exceptionally eloquent when describing a food product, in this case he’s talking about banana bread that is laced with THC. But as much as they’re the same, they’re also different. Gone is Jerry’s kinky leather duster, gone is Ben’s overly active sexual libido. We also catch up with Dr. Jacoby who is… well… let’s just say that David Lynch might be trolling us since we end up watching paint literally dry. And we also revisit the Sheriff’s Department with Lucy, Deputy Andy and Hawk.

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But something is missing and it is staring you right in the ears. The familiar, comforting soundtrack that played throughout the first two seasons in nearly missing but this is certainly intentional.

We’re certainly building up to something here and I just can’t wait to digest the next episode but would I say that I actually enjoyed watching the first four episodes? Honestly, no. Was I intrigued? Fuck yeah! Was I confused? Totally! Will this new season turn out to be just as good as the first? Only time will tell but I know one thing. David Duchovny’s acting was on point, he was great as returning character’ Denise… it’s a shame his recent turn in the new X Files felt as wooden as Margaret’s log.

The Log Lady returns but her presence is understandably melancholic. Sadly, actress’ Catherine E. Coulson was dying of cancer at time of filming and it is as heart-wrenching as it is obvious. Tears stream down her face as she speaks to Hawk and in a way you can tell that this is Catherine’s way of fortifying her legacy. She’s an integral part of Twin Peaks, the popular culture surrounding this glorious and unique series.

So to see her one last time was both joyous and exceptionally sad.

Kyle MacLachlan in a still from Twin Peaks. Photo: Suzanne Tenner/SHOWTIME

Cooper returns, sorta… and it feels like the focal point, the mystery of season three is really about Cooper’s journey back to Twin Peaks. I just hope he gets there sooner rather than later. I want the old Cooper back. I want to see Audrey Horne, I want to see James and Bobby either butting heads over a quarter of decade rivalry or finally burying the proverbial hatchet. I want to see a happy end for Laura’s “mom”; Sarah Palmer who, at the moment is just drinking and smoking while watching animal murder on a massive TV.

I can see how this new series could be polarising. Since many enjoyed the soap opera styling of the original as well as the typical Lynchian weirdness and at the moment we’re mainlining David Lynch right into the veins. We’re practically being enveloped into a surreal nightmare with hardly any holes of familiarity to take air in. Our comfort zone and our preconceptions have been thrown to wind and while some might hate that, I relish in this new frontier of outright weirdness because abiding my a recognised formula is boring as fuck.

We need change to grow and to evolve so let’s celebrate the return of one of the most notorious shows to ever grace television screens. Twin Peaks is back!

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I’m going to keep this article short because I’d rather save the good shit for my season three “reviews” but I will give these four episodes an arbitrary rating and that rating is… Four blue roses out of five space boxes and something to do with a cars cigarette lighter… seriously? Man, that first few scenes of the third episode… I thought my brain had totally capsized.

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About that Star Trek Discovery trailer…

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Many of my usual readers will know that I have a serious problem with restraining my love for Star Trek when it comes to writing about Twin Peaks. Nearly, if not all “reviews” have been strewn with Star Trek references like bird shit on a bus shelter and yet I’ve not actually dedicated an entire article to my most beloved franchise!?

I’ve gushed over Skyrim and Fallout. I explained why Negan is the hero that The Walking Dead deserves and now all that’s about to change because today you will discover that… I really fancy Sonequa Martin Green. Hey, Sherilyn Fenn is still my 90’s crush okay, don’t worry!
But I really liked Green’s character’ Sasha in The Walking Dead, she was an utter badass but as soon as I heard the announcement that she was going to play the lead in the next Star Trek series I knew that her tenure was drawing to a close. As a fan of the comic book there’s this character called Holly that ends up being turned into a zombie by Negan in order to fuck up a hostage negotiation and Sasha’s story lifted elements from Holly’s comic book arc… so, she was bound to die in the season finale.

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But enough of The Walking Dead and no, I’m not going to litter this article with tangential nonsense from Twin Peaks. Instead, I’m going to focus entirely on Star Trek. So, without further adieu here’s my thoughts on the trailer for Star Trek Discovery.

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First, there were two trailers that were released. One used to promote the upcoming CBS All Access streaming service and one for Netflix and despite both using the same footage I certainly preferred the Netflix trailer. I’m a fan of the Canadian band’ M83 and the trailer used a song that I like and it felt better edited.
I usually pick up on slightly awkward scene cuts and the opening moment with Michelle Yeoh’s Captain Philippa Georgiou talking to Green’s First Officer Michael Burnham about “getting her own command” was obviously several scenes shoved together. I didn’t like the bit at the end where we see a Klingon swinging his bat’leth (fancy Klingon sword) at the camera, it just didn’t work for me.

Would you believe that as a die-hard Trekkie, this was my only complaint?

Well, it is 2017 and the internet is a thing so it’s no surprise that the trailer on YouTube was not well received. I wasn’t exactly shocked to discover that many of the negative comments revolved around the main character being a black woman. As I said, I wasn’t shocked… it’s the internet and in the age of Gamergate, complaints about an all-women Ghostbusters and pussy-grabbing Donald Trump being “POTUS”. Was it any surprise in this true age of the idiot that a new Star Trek show was getting shit thrown at it?

I swear to Kahless! If this society becomes any dumber, I’m going to dye my hair pink, dress like a lesbian and dig up my old Tumblr because I’m gonna go full on SJW!

This is the problem with Star Trek.
The best thing and the worst thing about Star Trek is its fans. Some, not all are so fickle that they’d rather their favourite franchise die with no hope of its corpse finding planet Genesis.
Seriously, they would rather no resurrection of the franchise they claim to love so dearly… it’s illogical?! It’s like saying, Agent Dale Cooper would rather not have a cup of coffee in Tibet if given the chance!

Oops… sorry, I did say I wouldn’t reference Twin Peaks.

If you’re a fan of Star Trek and you like the gazillion different ships that have appeared in the franchise then I implore to check out Trekyards on YouTube. Captain Foley and Commander Cockings always dig deep into the lore of Trek and their expert analysis on the ships are a treat for any fan but when they posted up the trailer on their Facebook page… well, things got messy quicker than Commander Sonak in a transporter accident.
And a lot of the frustration was down to people’s inability to divorce their mindset away from the visual aesthetic of a show from 1966.

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Sure, one comment made me think. They said that Star Wars can evolve the look but still retain the atmosphere of “a galaxy far, far away”. Just look at the original Star Wars and compare the Stormtroopers from that film to the new films. Even Rogue One looks spot on but that franchise, that universe is supposed to be set further than the Delta Quadrant, it’s in “a galaxy, blah blah away”. Whereas; Star Trek is set in our future, our interpretation of our future and this includes the aesthetic aspect.

If we were going to stick with the established lore of Star Trek then we would need to explain The Eugenics Wars of the 1990’s. Allow me to explain, within the established history of Star Trek there was a huge war that spanned between 1992 and 1996 where Khan (of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan fame) became the ruler of most of the world. Hey, maybe when Kirk and crew went back in time to 1986 to save some whales, only to create inbred whales because they only save two siblings… maybe, the timeline got changed? Again?!
It’s Star Trek, sometimes the timeline fucks up.

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What I’m getting at is; in 1966 I very much doubt that prolific series’ creator and general womaniser’ Gene Roddenberry actually gave any thought to the possibility that the show he was creating was going to have some huge pop cultural impact?

When it came to revitalising Star Trek in the late 70’s, the uniforms changed from the primary colours of the original series to that of disgusting pastel shades that reflected the time period. In the late 80’s when the Enterprise D sought out the final frontier, everything looked like an 80’s office-cum-cruise ship and then in the early 2000’s the crew of the original starship to bare the name “Enterprise”(… well, kinda) looked grounded in near gritty realism. The point is, each show reflected the era so why the fuck would a progressive show need to look back into order to look forward?

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Okay, I will admit that this show is a prequel to the original Star Trek. The trailer mentions that this is set 10 years before Captain Kirk, Spock, and The Enterprise. But should the uniforms look like they did in the original pilot episode? Well, there are certain cues. As Trekyards pointed out in their recent video, some of the previous iterations featured a lot of blue. Just look at the jumpsuits from 2001’s Star Trek: Enterprise… yeah, this promo pic makes the uniforms look more mauve/purple but that’s probably down to the lighting. In the show, they were undoubtedly blue.

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Then there are the uniforms in the opening minutes of 2009’s Star Trek where Kirk’s father sacrifices himself so that Cameron from House MD can give birth to baby Kirk. There’s a lot of blue.

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But I don’t think the criticism is the blue uniforms, it’s more to do with this series straying away from the typical primary colours that we’re used to seeing in The Original Series and The Next Generation. Yet, you’ll rarely see criticism thrown at the uniforms as shown in Star Trek II and all the way up to Star Trek VI? The characters are all dressed in a very Naval fashion, which is odd considering that Starfleet isn’t supposed to be a military organisation… well, they’re not supposed to be, but they do fly around with a shit load of weapons and they have military ranks. They’re also not supposed to have money in the future and yet there are gambling and Scotty remarks about buying a boat in one of the films. So they do have money, I guess?
In an early episode of The Next Generations, Captain Picard has to explain to a businessman that has recently thawed out from being frozen; “A lot has changed in three hundred years, people are no longer obsessed with the accumulation of ‘things’. We have eliminated hunger, want, the need for possessions.” but then Data also owns a cat and I bet Riker had to buy that trombone… are you telling me that Geordi received FREE eye care? I call bullshit on that!

There’s a lot of inconsistencies in Star Trek but there’s also 546 hours worth of television episodes and films. Thousands upon thousands of people have been involved in bringing Star Trek to the masses, of course, there’s going to be inconsistencies. Klingons have pink blood but I’ve seen them bleed red in an episode or two. “Vulcan has no moon” Said Spock but when we see Vulcan in The Motion Picture, there are moons! Unless he meant that literally, as in; another alien race wouldn’t call their planet’s orbiting planetoid a “moon”… you know what? I’m going to talk about the trailer now.

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So we see our first glimpse of Captain Georgiou’s ship’ the USS Shenzhou as it cuts through a dust cloud. It looks nimble and threatening. She reminds me of the USS Reliant from The Wrath of Khan with the underslung warp nacelles. But the bridge appears to be on the bottom of the ship instead of the top. That’s certainly a change from the usual design philosophy but I quite like it. It means the crew can look out on to a planet that they’re above, it’s an interesting change and one that I welcome.

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Originally, Gene Roddenberry stated that the bridge had to be on the top so that the audience had a sense of scale. Having a window does this better, in my opinion.

Back in 2009 when JJ Abrams directed the Star Trek reboot movie, some Trekkies complained that the bridge had a massive window at the front of the bridge instead of the usual view screen. Well, I don’t know about you but if I were a bridge officer on a Federation starship, I’d want a window to see, you know? SPACE. How cool would that be? Is it practical? Yes, of course, it is. “But, but enemy ships could easily shoot the bridge crew or they could use binoculars and see the shield frequency on one of the computer screens so that their photon torpedoes could pass right through their shields!”
If you’re going to be so petty then how is it that every alien race automatically knows which angle to orientate their ship? There’s no universal “up”… I swear, it’s like these anally retentive Trekkies have their Trill symbiont rammed right up their arses!

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We also get a look at a really cool looking communicator, very reminiscent to The Original Series ones and then Captain Georgiou and Burnham gets “beamed up” from a location that isn’t a sound stage or Vasquez Rocks. They filmed in Jordan and here’s an interesting fact for ya, you big nerd, Star Trek Into Darkness was the first time that Star Trek was filmed outside of the Americas. Crazy, right?! And yet fans have complained about the production quality of this new show?

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We get a good look at the bridge of the USS Shenzhou and there are a few cues from the original series, such as the red trim on the Captain’s chair being very reminiscent to the… those… er, kinda pointless bars that encircled the bridge of the original Enterprise. The bridge of the Shenzhou also looks a bit like the USS Franklin’s bridge from last years’ Star Trek Beyond with a little bit of Voyager thrown into the mix with it’s near brushed metallic look of the computer consoles.

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It’s worth mentioning that the eponymous USS Discovery that this series is named after does not feature in this trailer. In fact, half the cast don’t appear. Rekha Sharma from Battlestar Galactica and the most recent episode of the awesome fan series’ Star Trek Continues, Shazad Latif (Penny Dreadful) and even Jason Isaacs, who is supposed to be the Captain of the USS Discovery just don’t feature at all.
So, I’m going to speculate that the Shenzhou will probably get destroyed in the pilot episode… poor Michelle Yeoh! The Captain always has to go down with their ship. Well, unless you’re Picard or Kirk…

We also get a good look at the Klingons and Gre’thor! Fans weren’t happy, of course, they weren’t.
It’s like people forgot that Klingons change depending on who is writing or directing. Just look at the original Klingons and compare them to their counterparts at the beginning of The Motion Picture.

Sometimes Klingons are an allegory for Communist Russia, sometimes they’re Space Samurai as per Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, sometimes they’re Space Vikings, sometimes they’re stupid or they’re Worf. People were saying that they didn’t even look like Klingons but take a gander at some of the pictures I’ve placed in this article… there are similarities. The colours that are used, the greys, the golds for example. We even get head ridges and just because these Klingons aren’t sporting dodgy facial hair or Gene Simmons wigs doesn’t necessarily mean that other Klingons won’t.

Maybe memories are short but look at the first two seasons of The Next Generation… most of those episode’s suck. Try watching all of season one on Netflix, oh you got to “Code of Honor” and switched off? Of course you did, Picard and crew visit the planet of the African stereotypes or even worse; “Angel One” which is a horribly awkward commentary on Apartheid that ends up just being a little bit racist.

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Maybe some fans have rose tinted glasses or maybe it’s just typical hipster, millennial whining for whining’ sake? I don’t know and I never said I had any answers. All I know is that we have a new Star Trek show and from what I’ve seen so far, it looks fucking good.

Visually, this is practically on par with a feature film. The shots with Burnham in her awesome Starfleet space suit looks amazing and the asteroids encircling a distant singularity really gives us a better perspective of space than punched holes in black card (as per The Original Series). Never has space been shown in such grandeur in a Trek show.

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But what we really need to do is wait for the pilot episode, let’s see if this is any good. Let’s see if we’re really going to boldly go where no one has gone before… or maybe it’ll be shit? But like Q; I’ll judge this show when it is finally broadcast. As a fan, a “Trekkie”, I’m just happy for new Star Trek.

So live long and prosper and if you don’t then blame entropy and your own inability to control your finances!

I give this trailer four lights, FOUR LIGHTS out of FOUR LIGHTS!

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Phew! You know what? I was worried that I might not be able to focus on the task at hand without having to make pointless pop culture references to things that are barely related to this article’s subject matter. But I managed it better than my own finances and unlike the Star Trek, I’m a slave to the corporate machine so if you liked this article enough to donate a dollar or five, maybe some gold pressed latinum? Then check out my Patreon; Click here!
Support creative people and if I make enough then I’ll be able to buy a new laptop since all my money from working my arse off goes on bills and food. And if you’re not as rich as the Grand Nagus then you can still support me by sharing this with your friends and fellow red shirts. The more people, the merrier!

Twin Peaks “Laura’s Secret Diary” Episode 12

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When I designed the time machine in my novel I wanted the interior to look like an old, worn down office with decade’s old perforated ceiling tiles, dented filing cabinets and water coolers that were so old that the water tasted like tobacco smoke and charity shop clothes. I honestly didn’t want to go for the usual Apple store aesthetic or steampunk bullshit and so when this episode opened with fucking wood fibre acoustical ceiling tiles… fuck me, I was in heaven!

And this episode has one brilliantly creative opening scene; we’re deep in a ceiling tile hole! David Fincher probably watched this part and thought; “Yep, I’m totally going to steal that!”
I remember in the early 2000’s, I had such a hard on for Fincher and Fight Club… I was in awe of the incredible way he was able to craft a scene… blah, blah… yeah, that bit where Edward Norton is talking about the corporate galaxy and the camera travels throw a maelstrom of disposable Starbucks coffee cups and twisted Krispy Kreme boxes. Yeah, cool scene right? Fight Club was so edgy…

Anyway, digressing back to Twin Peaks. Upon first inspection we’re lead to believe that this tunnel that we’re travelling down might be in the woods. It has all the appearances of a rabbit’s warren and all the while we can hear the cries of woman screaming “Daddy!”. We exit the tunnel it is only then that we realise that we’ve exited out of my beloved perforated ceiling tiles… phew! Just give me a moment… right, okay. I’ll stop gushing over fucking ceilings.

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The scene properly begins in the interrogation room, the last episode concluded with Leland Palmer being arrested for the murder of Jacques Renault (oh and Donna finding Laura’s secret diary). Ray Wise confesses to murdering the man whom he believed killed his daughter and shit, Ray Wise is just absolutely fucking incredible. From the expressions on Cooper, Truman and Doctor Hayward it’s hard for them to accept.

As Cooper and Hayward leave the room, the good Doctor explains that no man should ever have to bury their child. Cooper asks him is he approves of murder. He utters no and Cooper walks off and then we’re treated to a bit of light comedy when Deputy Andy asks the Doctor if he could re-take his sperm count test. Doc hands him a semen collection cup… because Doctor’s usually carry those kind of things, I guess? And so we kick off this episode’s sub plot; Andy has to have a wank at the Sheriff’s Department.
With a copy of “Fleshworld” in hand, since they’ve got a load of those from a previous episode, he heads of the toilet only to clumsily bump into Lucy. She’s disgusted in him and for good reason… is he going to masturbate with the aid of evidence from an ongoing murder investigation?
I suppose he is!

In the reception, Cooper and Truman are discussing Leland’s claims that Bob lived in a house with a white picket fence. Bob is apparently short for “Robertson” and no one of that name had lived in the house that Leland described, very fishy indeed! Then Andy, being his usual clumsy-self accidentally drops his cum and it rolls under a chair. As he’s bent over, Cooper notices Andy’s new boots… they’re the same brand as the ones they found hidden along with Leo’s drug stash. Andy explains that he purchased a pair from the one-armed man. Following his usual intuition, Cooper needs to find Phillip Gerard AKA the one-armed man… again!

Our next scene introduces us to “Desk Clerk”, she’s played by Bellina Logan and given the amount of dialogue she had and the way she chews the scene you would expect her to become a series regular. Now, I’ve watched every episode and correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t believe she appears again? Anyway, the reason I mention her is because her first acting gig was in a TV show called; “A Man Called Hawk”… so what? You’re probably asking… or not as the case may be, I mention it because I need to reference Star Trek in some way and A Man Called Hawk starred Avery Brookes, you know, Captain Sisko from Deep Space Fucking Nine!
Anyway, “Desk Clerk” is acting so damn much I’m half expecting to see Barry from Eastenders dressed up as the genie from Aladdin because I’ve not seen this much forced enthusiasm from an actress since I last watched pantomime, or children’s TV. She could probably buy Justin’s House and sublet it back to Mr. Tumble!
Shit, these references will be totally lost on my American readers.

So, “Desk Clerk” informs Benjamin Horne that a famous travel writer is heading to Twin Peaks, yep it’s another sub plot. Season Two is filled to the brim with so many sub plots, the main plot practically gets forgotten about. Her enthusiasm impresses Ben and he buggers off to his office where the villainous Jean Renault is waiting for him.

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I should mention that Michael Parks, who portrayed Jean Renault sadly passed away this week at time of writing and a part of me is starting to get paranoid. Since I started writing these articles, Warren Frost (Doc Hayward), Miguel Ferrer (Albert Rosenfield) and now Michael Parks have passed away. My shitty articles must be cursed! I also wrote a review on Rogue One and that featured CGI Leia and Carrie Fisher died… it’s like I’m in crappy episode of Goosebumps or something?! Look, if any other cast members die between now and my next article then I’m going to only exclusively write about Theresa May or Donald Trump from now on because no offence, why can’t cunts die instead of people in a beloved cult TV show from the 90’s?
Can I write that? I’m not entirely sure if it’s ethical? Sod it! It’s “satire” guys, we can “joke” about politicians dying right? Like, dying horribly… like, slow combine harvester-related death’ horrible. Getting slowly crushed by a steamroller so that their guts explode out of every facial orifice.
What was I supposed to be writing again?

Oh yeah, Twin Peaks! So, Ben Horne is propositioned by Jean Renault and when I say “propositioned” I mean, “demands ransom” for the safe return of Audrey who has been doped up with what I can only assume is that tasty, tasty heroin. Ben’s not overly pleased, especially when Jean demands that Agent Cooper should be the one to deliver the ransom money.
Ben has no choice but to agree to Jean’s demand.

We catch up with Donna at the Double R Diner where she is picking up Harold Smith’s meals on wheels order from Hank, he’s being his typical slimy-self. Norma is excited to hear that the bloody famous travel writer from this episode’s B plot might make their way to her quintessential American diner. Are they a food critic or a travel writer? I’m not even sure the script even knows and I’m sorry to say but this is certainly a sign of things to come for this series.
Hank’s almost as enthusiastic as “Desk Clerk” and tells Norma that he’s going to head off and buy some table cloths, candles and all that shit just so he can spruce the place up.
Oh and he also asked her to call Big Ed because we’ve got to name drop him since he doesn’t appear in this episode. In fact, where’s Bobby, Shelly… James? Nadine? Where’s half the fucking cast?!
So, Hank asks Norma to call Ed because he works at the gas station and well, maybe this travel writer is going to stop to fill up their car… maybe? What? Why? Who cares?

Donna’s having “TV lunch” with Harold, you know, when actors are in a scene with food and they’re not Brad Pitt so nobody actually eats a single thing. Harold’s boot is almost disturbingly too close to his plate of food, I don’t know why I find that unsettling especially when his boots are most certainly clean since he never leaves his house? Eurgh… I just don’t like it.
Anyway, they’re drinking wine and Harold plucks Laura’s secret diary from the table behind him. It’s the same book from the end of last episode and Harold suggests a toast to the memory of Laura by reading an excerpt. In this case, it’s Laura describing Donna and how she fears that Donna wouldn’t like her if she knew about her particular fantasies. Basically, Laura’s mega cock hungry… like Elsa Jean in a room chock full of massive man meat, pounded until she literally shits out of her ears… anyway, Donna suggests that maybe he gives the diary to the police but he acts typically weird and creepy. He then goes on to explain that because he’s a poncy twat he likes to “write a living novel” about “people” etc.
To each their own.

Ben Horne shows Cooper the video that Jean Renault left him and pleads for Cooper to deliver the ransom money. Ben’s his usual conniving self and I’m really surprised that our favourite FBI agent hasn’t seen through Ben’s ruse, it’s almost as if this episode is, dare I say? Filler?
Honestly, apart from the opening scene there’s not much progression in terms of the main plot but then again this is season two of Twin Peaks, so what do you expect?

I will say that Michael Parks makes for one very memorable villain. He sounds like Pepé Le Pew and he acts just as much like Looney Tunes most famous sex offender. He intimidates and dominates in equal measures and when Emory Battis drags a doped up Audrey into Blackie’s office,
we’re unsure of how far he will go. So when Audrey mentions that Battis had hit her, Michael Park’s Jean Renault guns him down and cradles a devastated Audrey.
Upon first viewing I wasn’t much of a fan in the way they handled Audrey, I felt she was underused and had become just a damsel in distress. In my opinion, she was slowly becoming a wasted opportunity.

Returning to the Sheriff’s Department, Andy is trying his best to reconcile with Lucy. She ends up blowing up at him and he saunters off in rejection. Cooper then tries his best to get to the bottom of Lucy’s problems… it’s his duty as a Special Agent. After all, he’s just solved one out of two murders so he’s free to complete one side quest. I usually do the same when I play Skyrim, once I’ve become the de facto leader of the Dark Brotherhood or fucking College of Winterhold I like to unwind and go back to the sanctity of Whiterun and do a menial side quest, it’s palate cleanser… no one really wants to “Find the Redguard Woman”, who gives a fuck?!
Anyway, Cooper failed a speech check with Lucy because he obviously hasn’t found an Amulet of Dibella nor has he crafted a Fortify Speech potion… and so he speaks to Sheriff Truman about his incredibly illegal rescue mission across the Canadian border.

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Back at the Double R and after a scene where Hank and Norma mistake a district attorney for the famous travel writer, Donna and Maddy are chewing the fat in one of the booths, Donna pretends to not be pissed off at Maddy for kinda stealing James even though she hasn’t really… it’s all a bit of a messy love triangle. Donna then lies and says she’s seeing someone else, you know’ Harold Smith because she’s like, really “convincing”. She then goes on to explain that Harold has a copy of Laura’s secret diary. Maddy is so over this shit and I’m left thinking, has Maddy just moved to Twin Peaks? Wasn’t she just visiting for the funeral?

Previously in this episode, Josie Packard has returned with a shit load of shopping. She pretended to be concerned for Pete who is torn up over Catherine’s supposed death in the lumber mill fire. Truman is suspicious of Josie but she does what she does best, act innocent and then utilises her sex appeal to halt any further suspicion from the poor, naive Sheriff.
So they fuck on the sofa and while a storm rages outside we can see Mak Takano peering through the window at them.

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Returning to the Sheriff’s Department, we’re introduced to yet another new character; Judge Sternwood who will be presiding over Leland Palmer’s court hearing. He’s played by veteran actor Royal Dano who you may recognise from old movies you’ve never seen… he probably played a thousand cowboys? I dunno. He sounds like how I imagine the KFC guy to sound like but despite looking like a sugar plantation owner, he is certainly likeable and later we discover that he had a hot younger wife because why not?
Season two has a reoccurring theme of old men with girls that are a quarter of their age… it’s a bit like that category on Pornhub that only elderly guys click on.
While we’re here Dick offers to pay for Lucy’s abortion, at least he’s pro-choice!

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There’s some other stuff such as the introduction of a rubbery-faced, supposed Japanese man named as Mr. Tojamura played by “Fumio Yamaguchi” and then we discover the link between Josie and Mak Takano. He’s travelled from Hong Kong on behalf of a man named Mr. Eckhardt and he wants her to return to Hong Kong with the insurance money from the lumber mill fire. She then explains that she has a problem with Hank and our episode concludes with a lame early 90’s fist fight in the Double R Diner. Mak Takano is a martial artist because, of course he is! You’ve seen his website, right? Anyway, Hank has all the fighting prowess of William Shatner and Takano hands him an ultimatum; “Don’t fuck with Project Mayhem!”

Look, this is an average episode but at least by the end we’re moving the plot forward… well, not the main “Laura Palmer murder” plot! Cooper is slowly formulating his rescue plan, Donna enlists the help of Maddy to steal Laura’s secret diary and Andy is having his sperm counted again.
I enjoyed the episode but it’s not as good as any of the first season outings so I give this episode; four attempts to pronounce Chuck Palahniuk’s surname out of five.

Also, if you’re a fecalpheliac and you like my shit enough to donate to my internet begging page on Patreon then now you can; price of a coffee or how ever much you like and if you’re not financially endowed enough then feel free to share this with your friends, family, loved ones, pets, strangers, that ex on Facebook you sometimes stalk and while you lament on your own poor life choices, they’re probably fucking their new lover on that sofa that YOU also helped pay for but then you totally screwed it up, didn’t you. Now all you have left is a search history that mostly comprises of Elsa Jean in various compromising positions. (https://www.patreon.com/grahamstoner)

Netflix’ Iron First Episode One

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I’m not going to make a habit of reviewing Marvel intellectual properties. I mean, there’s a whole wealth of articles regarding the many fucking cinematic / televisual iterations of Marvel superheroes and I’m sorry if I accidentally confuse some characters from DC Comics with that of Marvel, it’s a given since I don’t read comic books… well, I read The Walking Dead and I believe the six volume opus that is Akira is one of the greatest pieces of literature from the last century. Watchman is a modern classic and pretty much most of 2000AD’s back catalogue of characters, like Judge Dredd, Rogue Trooper and ABC Warriors are better (in my opinion) to that of Spiderman or Wolverine. Hell, Wolverine and Deadpool wouldn’t look out of place on the pages of the “Galaxy’s Greatest Comic”!

But I do remember watching the 90’s Spiderman and X-Men cartoon shows as a kid, I was just not overly invested in characters that looked, well… a bit naff. I mean, look at this;ironfist

And I think Johnny Alpha looks like a badass and that dude has some weird fucking banana helmet!

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I digress, it’s not that I have a love / hate relationship with the “MCU” or “Marvel Cinematic uneh…” far from it, I thoroughly enjoyed Netflix’ Daredevil and Jessica Jones. I haven’t got around to watching Luke Cage yet so I guess that must make me a racist??!!
Watching him plough the tiny Jessica Jones was pretty fucking hot if you ask me… anyway, I’m not here to talk about people act-fucking, I’m talking about Iron Fist, or The Iron Fist or Danny Rand: The Immortal Iron Fist. You know? I never even heard about this character until now and he’s so lame that even the script likes to be a little bit tongue-in-cheek when it comes to his representation. Moments when he declares that he’s the “Iron Fist” is met with side glances and sighs but that doesn’t mean he’s a terrible character.

In fact, he’s one of the most fun lead characters in all of the Netflix / Marvel shows. Matt Murdock AKA Daredevil was a bit of a Bible-basher, hey I’ve read the New Testament in it’s entirety so I have a fondness for giving The Bible a good old frisky wank but he is a bit anally retentive. Jessica Jones was awesome but a bit of a pretentious cunt and Luke Cage is just a big mother fucker who is impervious to pretty much anything and because of this, his personality was almost too cool for mutant school. Danny Rand AKA Iron Fist has a likeable naivety about him. He’s cocky and yet modest, strong yet seemingly vulnerable in a world that he barely recognises as his own.

The first episode doesn’t really feel much like a Marvel superhero show. I don’t recall anyone even mentioning “Iron Fist” nor does he use his glowing yellow hand power… seriously? Is this, this guy’s fucking super power? He has an impervious glowing fist? Just one? Why doesn’t he just go full-on Super Saiyan? Also, he’s beyond adept at martial arts but then again, so are all the thugs that are sent to him later on in the episode. It’s a bit odd but it makes sense from a action sequence perspective because if he’s the only one that capable and he’s just round housing everyone into submission then each fight scene would be incredibly dull.

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We’re introduced to him while he’s walking, bare foot around Manhattan while listing to “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast. Very subtly ironic considering he looks like he’s the only guy not on drugs at Woodstock. His hair is a bit of a mess and he’s got a beard, he’s wearing a skanky hemp shirt thing and trousers that look like they smell of stale semen and dog piss and yet his eyes are clear, sober and infused with determination. As an viewer with no knowledge of who this character is, I’m most certainly intrigued and he’s even listening to an old early 2000’s iPod… dare I say, it’s a second generation iPod? Fuck, I don’t know? I once did a bit of research for my second episode “review” of Twin Peaks… thing is, I knew what a fucking 2nd gen iPod looks like since I’ve probably still got mine.

So why is Danny Rand perambulating around Manhattan looking like a gap year student who has just returned from travelling around Asia? Well, he’s only gone and survived a plane crash at age 10, only to be picked up by Nepalese monks and trained to be a fucking ninja.
This is some kind of David Carradine shit right here…

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So, Danny Rand was a rich kid whose father was an influential businessman. Both Danny’s parents died in the plane crash and Western society has believed Danny to have been dead for the last 15 years. It comes as no surprise when he arrives in the lobby of this exceptionally high end corporate ziggurat only to be told to leave. He looks like a homeless bum and that’s exactly what he is!
He has no home, hardly any possessions and he doesn’t even own a pair of shoes!
Anyway, he’s insistent about talking to “Harold” and nobody believes him to be Danny Rand.

Who would? Also, are you telling me that he’s spent the last 15 years in Nepal and he hasn’t picked up an accent? I’ve got an uncle who has lived in Canada for close to 20 years, maybe more, maybe less and he sounds quote Canadiany.

So he ends up using his martial arts to subdue a few guards (Iron Fist, not my uncle) and he nonchalantly escapes in a lift and heads to the top floor and this is where he meets his childhood friends whom have grown to become insufferable corporate twats. Neither of these two characters recognise Danny either! So he’s out on his arse again… and this is basically the plot of the entire first episode.

Danny the tramp is desperately trying to convince his old childhood friends that he is in fact the heir to this massive company and these two executive douches are just outright mean to him. It gets to a point where this episode and only this episode kinda feels like an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
My attention was still held for ransom and because this is Netflix, I ended watching the next episode and then the next.

After Danny’s failed attempt to speak to the only people who might recognise him for who is is, he heads to his own home. It’s one of those big old New York brownstones, he even remembers where the spare key is kept for the front door but the lock has since been changed and its then that we discover that he’s one hell of a Parkour expert. He steps up a mere 15ft balcony as if it were a curb.
A big dog growls at him and he uses his Buddhist/Crocodile Dundee shtick to subdue the animal before quietly closing the doors on the calmed pooch.
Then he starts abiding by stealth game logic where even if he’s slightly caste in shadow then nobody will be able to see him because his childhood friend’ Joy has returned home… Danny’s old home and he’s standing on a flight of stairs and watches her from like, not exactly far away and she’s totally oblivious?

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Anyway, he confronts Joy and tries his hardest to convince her and it’s all going well until he basically tells her that he broke into her home. She’s pissed at him and as he leaves, a taxi nearly ploughs into him except he’s the fucking Iron First, right? He just flips over the car as if it were haphazardly placed Hot Wheels car… I was going to say “Matchbox cars” but then realised that even in my youth, Hot Wheels have bought Matchbox and nobody is that nostalgic about fucking die-cast toy cars…?

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Oh… they are…

Later, he’s doing some tai chi in Central Park, as you do and Jessica Henwick’s Colleen Wing donates some spare change since she believes him to be just your typical homeless guy. Jessica Henwick is an English actress who appeared in some BBC children’s adventure series alongside Benedict Wong who just so happens to be in Doctor Strange… another Marvel property, as if we weren’t already drowning in this shit.

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Henwick does a brilliant job and in later episodes, she is a fucking badass and now I’m assuming that she will get her own show. It’s on the cards right? I mean, I’m sure there’s going to be a Daredevil / Jessica Jones / Luke Cage and Iron Fist crossover…

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Of course there is and look! The girl is even standing at such an angle as to show off the curvature of her arse because that’s what media is. Entertainment Weekly totally fucked that up, it’s bullshit photoshop is what it is! Look at their feet? Fucking graphic designer couldn’t even be bothered to add some kind of shadow so now the characters look super imposed.

Next we head to the dojo where the Colleen Wing character is a martial arts instructor… because, of course she is! She’s one of those characters who really wants to improve the lives of inner city kids by teaching them how to fuck people up in style because nothing is more confident-boosting that learning how to crane-kick.
Danny wants to work for her and I guess he wants to get it on since I doubt he was getting much sex at the monastery… if he’d crashed near the Vatican then [insert obvious joke about Catholic Priests here]. She kicks him out but not before giving him a pair of shoes so I guess she’s pulling the old “playing hard to get” bullshit.

Overall this is an enjoyable show but was it necessary? Well, no art is actually necessary and would the television landscape appear any different if this series didn’t exist? Of course not, Iron Fist isn’t breaking new ground but it a fun show from what I’ve seen so far.
My favourite characters are the two siblings’ Joy and Ward. They’re uptight business executives who take life way too seriously and yet they’re fun to watch. They do “TV business”, the kind of “business” you only really see on TV, it’s all board meetings and people talking about figures for the next quarter and dumb abbreviations that make little to no real sense but it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a series show about “business”, it’s a fucking superhero show about a hippie with a magic fist.
I don’t even know what this fictional company does?
Fuck knows, they’re probably poisoning the water in some scummy, run down suburb while profiteering from modern day slavery, you know? that old cliché!

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So, would I recommend Iron Fist? Whatever. Like my opinion is any more valid that your own. You don’t need my validation, if you’ve already paid for Netflix then check it out or watch Star Trek Voyager or Louis Theroux? Make a choice and live by your code… I give Iron Fist; 5 whiny bitches moaning about white-washing out of 5.

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