My last review was a bit quote heavy and made up 16.8% of my last article. Oh man, that was a long ass article. Jesus! My sincerest of apologies, I shall endeavour to be more concise and I have already name-checked the irregular cast members to see if they’ve appeared in Star Trek.
None of them have so… I’m all out of ideas!
Our episode begins like so many episodes have done before; at the Great Northern Hotel. Cooper and Albert Rosenfield are having breakfast while (this time) there is a smoking barbershop quartet hum in the background. They’re oddly positioned within the frame while in the foreground Cooper and Albert almost bookend the aforementioned quartet. The two FBI agents discuss Jacques Renault’s murder… he was suffocated! See! I said that in my last piece. That’s not me being completely oblivious to how a fucking script works! Sometimes mistakes do happen… why does this sound like some weird confessional? Anyway, Cooper attempts to enlighten Albert on the history of King Thothori Nyantsen, the first Tibetan King to be touched by the Dharma and in by doing so, he and the Kings that succeeding him were known as the Happy Generations.
He belonged to the Yarlung Dynasty from Southern Tibet and Buddhist legend tells of a chest that fell from the sky and landed on the roof of his palace. Inside the chest were four items, including one of those cool Singing Bowls, some jewels and one of those little yellow capsules you get inside Kinder eggs.
What relevance does this story share with this episode? Well, Cooper once had a dream about the plight of the Tibetan people and in this dream, a secret Tibetan method of deduction was revealed to him.
I had a dream where I was thrown into a deep pit by modern-day pirates on a tropical island, the pit functioned as a toilet and for two days the men would use the quite large latrine to shit and piss on me while they waited for me to die. Then on the third day, starved, fatigued and ill from being pissed and shitted on, one of the men slipped and fell. I bite his nose off and gouged his eyes until he either died from the agony or from choking on his own blood.
Using his machete, I severed his limbs and used his bones to climb out of the pit… I never gained any special deduction method from that fucked up dream but I now know how to make a ladder.
Digressing back to the scene, we learn from Albert Rosenfield that the FBI has no lead on Jacques Renault’s killer. This is obviously good news for Leland Palmer.
Agent Cooper also informs him that his ring is gone, vanished during his spiritual visitation.
This scene ends with a suspicious Asian Man, I kid you not, his character name is “Asian Man”.
He’s definitely Asian, Japanese to be exact. The actor is Mak Takano and I urge you to check out his website; www.maktakano.com
He’s basically, the most Japanese man on the fucking planet. There’s this massive picture of him, being all stoic while wearing a Gi, he’s even got a fucking black belt! The Shō pipe music that plays in the background fully cements Mak Takano-san as one of, if not the most Japanese man on the planet.
If he doesn’t spend every dawn, meditating on top of a mountain or practicing his Kamehameha technique then I just don’t know if I could handle that level of disappointment. Reality would undoubtedly collapse due to a severe lapse in logic. Maths would stop working and our planet, no, the fucking universe would end up looking very much like a shriveled up and burnt old sphincter.
Our next scene just gets weird, like unsettling’ weird. Donna is dressed like a middle-aged woman who is clearing out the garage on a Sunday. She’s wearing a body warmer, come on Donna! You were looking pretty damn sassy in the last episode. What happened?
Shit, it’s the son of David Lynch in this scene! I guess you have seen Eraserhead right? David Lynch made a film about parental anxiety. The main character’ Henry Spencer (Jack Nance) murders his own offspring but not before allowing said offspring to become sick. Then he fantasizes about a girl who steps on unborn babies… and David Lynch is a father?!
Anyway, Donna is following up on her own investigation. She’s taken over Laura Palmer’s meals on wheels job in her own investigative attempt and this where she meets Mrs. Tremond played by the forever old’ Frances Bay.
Frances Bay was an odd one, odd but cool. She made her acting début at the age of 59. She left her parents at age 16 to pursue a life in Hollywood… I guess she kept on walking past LA, by accident? I dunno, maybe she crawled her way to Hollywood, maybe pretended to be a dog with worms and shimmied her arse all the way to Hollywood?!
Anyway, she eventually made it to Hollywood and starred in Kojak, Happy Days and a shit load of films and TV shows. She even appeared in Karate Kid and Happy Gilmore.
If anyone could claim to be a prolific old lady in TV and film then it is Frances Bay… her last movie was released in 2013 and she’s probably still playing old ladies in films in Heaven because heaven’s a thing I guess?
The scene involving Mrs. Tremond and Donna is brilliantly off kilter. I know, I like to hate on the whole Donna and James bullshit but that doesn’t mean I dislike the characters. Donna gives Mrs. Tremond an apprehensive side glance, it’s a great facial expression and for some reason, it sticks in my mind.
Anyway, this scene is incredibly cryptic. With the “young David Lynch” stealing the creamed corn from Frances Bay’s plate with “magic”. I’m sure there is some meaning behind it but fuck am I going to try and decipher it!
Donna leaves with some info from Mrs. Tremond; apparently “Mr. Smith” was a friend of Laura’s and he just so happens to live next door so Donna knocks on his door but he doesn’t answer. Maybe he’s got social anxiety or he’s agoraphobic or something, who knows?! Maybe we find out in the next episode… we do.
Meanwhile, Agent Cooper and Sheriff Truman are at the hospital. Again. This time they want to talk to Ronette Pulaski who has been in a coma since the pilot episode. After a funny bit where both Cooper and Truman are trying to adjust the height of their seats. Cooper shows Ronette a couple of Deputy Andy’s sketches, one is of Leo Johnson while the other is of Bob and yet when the camera draws into focus, the sketch of Leo kind of looks a bit like Leland Palmer… odd, huh?!
When it comes to Bob’s picture, Ronette freaks out and repeats the word; “Train! Train! Train!”
Cooper already knew about the murder scene and Bob’s involvement so no new leads here.
What is interesting about this scene is how it ends; The electricity goes out but just before it does we can hear Bob’s wolf-like growl.
If you’re not aware by now that Twin Peaks has a supernatural element and you’ve seen up to the second episode of season two, then you fail at watching television. Me? I watch everything via a PlayStation so I also fail at watching television.
It’s at this point in the episode where more of the comedic elements come into play. The next scene involves Ben and Jerry Horne, sitting by the fireplace in Ben’s office at the Great Northern Hotel. Jerry is chewing on a delicious looking smoked cheese pig-thing, whatever it is, I want it.
They’re discussing Catherine’s ledgers and they’re at loggerheads as to which ledger they should destroy. Should they burn the fake one or the real one? Both have their own merits but since this is Ben and Jerry we’re talking about, they decide to eat food instead… namely’ roasted marshmallows.
It is certainly odd that Ben hasn’t noticed that Audrey is missing? She has spent the last couple of days in One Eyed Jacks and you’re telling me that he’s not seen her at the hotel? She spent most of last season just loitering about the Great Northern so, c’mon Ben!?
At the Double R we catch up with Log Lady, she’s chewing on spruce gum. She did this in the last episode but I just assumed she was chewing on gum but apparently it’s called “pitch”. I had to research that because nobody chew’s “pitch” in England.
Here’s this little fact about “pitch”; “Real spruce gum is not easy to chew. It is not soft or sweet. Hard and crumbly is more accurate along with pieces of bark and bits of insects. But if you have good teeth and patience it will in time become a stiff gum. And if you leave it on your bedpost overnight the gum turns hard and crumbly again.” – Green Deane (www.eattheweeds.com/a-pitch-for-spruce-gum/)
That’s pretty fucking disgusting! And it seems to be rarely sold in the States (nowadays), so if you want to chew of this shit, head towards the Canadian border, near where Twin Peaks was filmed… I’m telling you, it’s the perfect place to find the good shit! Some primo Black Spruce, Picea mariana, hombre!
Totally went off topic there but I’d never heard of spruce gum before and if you’re a millennial reading this then I guess you’ve probably not heard of it either!
Anyway, the scene with Log Lady is a set up for a later scene. She talks to Major Briggs at the Double R diner and informs him that her log has something to tell him. Log Lady “translates” the log; “Deliver the message”, the log insists. The mind spunk within Major Briggs’ head cavity starts to churn, he knows exactly what the “message” he must “deliver” and fuck… we’re getting into X Files territory here but more on that at the end… basically, Major Briggs visits Cooper and… well, look I’m only five minutes into the episode alright…
Anyway, I digress, talking about “spunk”? the next scene is about Deputy Andy telling Lucy that he can’t possibly be the father of her baby because he had a sperm count and the Doctors told him that he was sterile, he proclaims that he first thought that being sterile meant he doesn’t need to take a bath but then again, he only donated sperm because he “likes whales”… Andy is just dumb, he’s like, later season’ Homer Simpson or final season’ Joey from Friends.
Friends… what a great show, amiright?
Since we’re at the Sheriff’s Department we might as well catch up with Sheriff Truman and Cooper. Hank had dropped by to sign his weekly parole papers and it is in this scene that we learn that Hank and Truman used to be friends, like full on BFFs but nothing last forever and despite Hank being one of the best damned Bookhouse Boys, he’s still the worst. But sometimes a person’s worst-self is their best-self and Hank is the best scum bag north of Leo Johnson.
Hank leaves and Cooper receives a call… it’s Ben Horne and he’s only just realised that Audrey is missing.
Ben Horne still has business to attend to…yep, that fucking Ghostwood Estate thing with the Icelandics. Ever heard of that Icelandic phone app? It’s called Islendiga-App and its purpose is to stop Icelanders from accidentally dating their cousin. There’s like, only 300,000 people in Iceland? I guess it’s quite a common occurrence?
Anyway, the Icelanders are concerned for the future of Ghostwood on account of the lumber mill fire and since Leland Palmer is Ben’s accountant, he has tried his to best to mitigate any issues much to the annoyance of Ben and Jerry. Leland seems completely oblivious to just how dirty his clients are.
Then Leland spots the wanted poster featuring Bob and it is here that we learn that Leland knows “of that man”. Leland goes on to mention that he knew him when he was a boy and it sounds like Bob probably molested a young Leland Palmer!? Just how old is Bob?
As we head towards the last quarter of the episode it’s worth mentioning that this episode is one of the ones that David Lynch directed. It’s got all the hallmarks of a David Lynch directed episode… it even says it at the beginning, in the credits!
That’s probably why he stuck his son in there.
You ever wonder what goes through the mind of someone with really weird fetishes? Like, why a person is turned on by the strangest shit? Look, I can understand someone having a foot fetish but how does someone discover that they’re sexually attracted to the idea of listening to a vacuum cleaner?
Audrey confronts Emory Battis, he’s the guy who manages the perfume counter at Ben’s store. She surprises him with some asphyxiation erotica but not the good kind, not the David Carridine kind.
No, she wants answers and she’s Audrey Horne and she always gets what she wants!
Unfortunately, despite learning of her father’s connection to Laura Palmer, there’s no real tangible evidence. I doubt Emory Battis is going to testify?
He’s strung up like a Japanese schoolgirl for fuck’s sake, he’s in no position to do anything!
Cooper is about to hit the sack when Major Briggs comes to deliver a very important message… basically, the parts of Cooper’s conversation with the giant in the last episode has been intercepted by Major Briggs’ radio telescope. His classified mission is to listen out for aliens and as far as he’s aware, aliens have made contact in the most Lynchian of ways.
What could have been explained as the delusions of a shot man at death’s door now has substance.
This mystery has certainly taken yet another unexpected turn!
Talking of unexpected turns, here’s the next scene on YouTube… just watch it, seriously. It’s one of, if not the cheesiest fucking thing you’ll ever see in your miserable life. Watch it, digest it and thank me for giving you this fucking cheeseboard:
But then Maddy gets a visitation from Bob and the cheesiest scene turns into carefully realised horror. Bravo David Lynch, bravo.
And finally, we conclude with Cooper as he dreams all kinds of shit. He’s awoken by Audrey who is calling from One Eyed Jacks but before she can tell him of her location the phone is cut off my Blackie. Audrey is in some serious shit!
Overall, this is a brilliant episode made better by having Lynch in the captain’s chair and since I haven’t made any references to Star Trek yet… well, apart from “captain’s chair”… he’s a picture of Richard “Ben Horne” Beymer in an episode of Star Trek Deep Space Fucking Nine!!!
I give this episode nine deep spaces out of nine.