Twin Peaks “The Man Behind Glass” Episode 11

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I’ve read posts you people wouldn’t believe! Sorry, I was going to jump right in with this review/recap of episode 11 but I’ve just discovered something that has seriously pissed me off. IMDb, right! IMDb was my outlet, my last bastion of 90’s message board fun and now it’s gone. All those posts are now lost to time, like piss in rain… time to give up on clinging to the past.
I was involved in a decade-long discussion about the Shinya Tsukamoto film; “Vital” about a young man coming to terms with amnesia by unwittingly studying the corpse of his girlfriend who died in the same car crash that gave him the amnesia! It’s a touching movie and it’s nothing like Gen Sekiguchi’s “Survive Style 5+”; a film that also has a man who is coming to terms with the death of his girlfriend… same fucking actor… but completely different films okay?!
The result was a confusing mess of a discussion that spanned a decade and now it’s gone… gone like Rutger Hauer’s sanity.

Anyway, I know some of my regular readers will be slightly disappointed with this article since I have not found any Erdős-style link between any of the actors that appeared in this episode and Star Trek. I’ve practically exhausted all the principle cast members and the two new characters that appear in this episode have never appeared in an episode of any iteration of Star Trek… BUT! I have found a link to another popular science fiction show so… I guess you’ve got that to look forward to! Right?

The episode begins with an interesting “lazy susan” shot of Ronette Pulaski in the hospital. The camera continues shifting 360° until we halt on Cooper, Sheriff Truman and possibly my favourite character’ Albert Rosenfield.
Ronette is convulsing and needs to be restrained by hospital staff, Albert is the first to notice that Ronette’s I.V. drip bag has been spiked. They soon discover that the person who messed with her I.V. also stuck a small letter R under her finger nail. The modus operadi of the murderer of not just Laura Palmer but also Teresa Banks!

So far they’ve discovered the following letters; R, B and T… like an abbreviated “Robert” or “Bob”… it’s so easy being a detective. Shit, I’d happily give up my job and become a homicide detective as long as I can be even more cynical than I already am. Also, I like drinking a load of whisky, I’ve practically got the perfect makings of a detective!

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We catch up with… sigh, Donna. She appears in this episode quite a lot and there’s even a bit where her “method acting” comes into play.
She’s meeting up with the mysterious Mr. Smith. Harold Smith and he suffers from severe agoraphobia or agraphobia, apparently both can be inter-changeable. Odd, I thought “agraphobia” was the fear of sexual assault and “agoraphobia” was the antonym of claustrophobia but it’s not. Then again it’s quite rational to be afraid of sexual assault so I guess you don’t really need a “-phobia” word for that!
Anyway, Mr. Smith is undeniably creepy to the point where, if he was wearing a belt made from nipples you’d think; “Hey, he’s wearing a belt made from nipples! That’s our’ Harold!” But no, he’s not planning on dumping Donna in a hole and forcing her to [insert Silence of the Lambs references here]. Do androids dream of silent lambs? Silence of the electric sheep?
I’m not really going anywhere with that Bladerunner reference… or am I?

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Well, Mr. Harold Smith is played by Lenny Von Dohlen who is mostly known for the 1984 film’ “Electric Dreams” but he also appeared in one of the best episodes of Red Dwarf. Yep, that’s the science fiction reference I was referring to.

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In that episode he plays a cop who apprehends the Red Dwarf crew in a “full immersion video game”, you see, the crew have been apparently playing a game called “Red Dwarf” but they’ve actually been poisoned by a “despair squid” and so everything is a hallucination. The episode is exceptionally well done and it presents themes that really feel like a Philip K. Dick story.
Talking of dick, we’re also introduced to another character in this episode but more on that later.
Instead, Donna and Harold talk about Laura Palmer. She asks him how long he has known Laura and also why she never mentioned him to any of her other friends?
He expunges suspicion from her mind by informing her that they had known each other since she first started meals on wheels and that she liked to think of Harold as her mystery man. It’s not made clear if their relationship was of a sexual nature but Laura was an excessively sexual animal so I wouldn’t put it past her.
Anyway, he’s a bit of a horticulturist as evident by the ridiculous amount of flowers in his home.

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He got in contact with Donna because he wanted her to place a flower on Laura’s grave.
Being an agoraphobic, he can’t do it himself so he’s hoping Donna could do him a favour.

Here’s another reference to Red Dwarf;

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The next scene involves; Cooper going over the evidence they have on the letters that were found under the victim’s fingernails as well as a list of people who have seen Bob. This is Laura’s mom, Cooper himself, Maddy and Ronette. He explains that there is a psychic link, Albert is being his usual sarcastic self. He even insults Sheriff Truman again and this results in Truman threatening to punch Albert again.
Then we get this awesome bit of dialogue;
“Now you listen to me. While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is that I am a naysayer and hatchetman in the fight against violence. I pride myself in taking a punch and I’ll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King. My concerns are global. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method… is love. I love you Sheriff Truman.”
Replacing his shades, he leaves the room… Truman isn’t sure what to make of it.
Cooper tells him; “Albert’s path is a strange and difficult one.”

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While in the Sheriff’s Department, Lucy is visited by a man wearing a fucking ascot and dated Lucy while she and Deputy Andy were on a break. I can’t find the right word to describe him, he’s a complete…erm, a total? What’s the right word? Yeah, he’s an utter twat.
His name is Dick and the irony is not lost whenever anybody mentions his name. It becomes a bit of a rolling gag during the second season.
Anyway, he wants to take Lucy out for lunch and so we’re treated to a scene that only exists for two reasons. 1) To show the audience that this Dick guy is a monumental… bellend and 2) To further progress this dumb new plot line; who is the father of Lucy’s baby?
It’s fairly forgettable, much like this pantomime character’ Dick.

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Back at the Sheriff’s Department, Leland Palmer informs Sheriff Truman and Dale Cooper that he knows Bob. He remembers him from when he was a kid and Bob used to frighten him, he also seemed a bit obsessed with fire and then Leland repeats a line that Bob used to say; “Do you want to play with fire, little boy?”
Truman heard the same sentence from James when he was recalling a moment he heard it from Laura. There’s no doubt that Bob is most certainly involved! See… I’m a great fucking detective!

James and Maddy are in the diner, furthering this slightly boring plot line and when Donna see’s Maddy’s hand on James’ she starts utilising that “method acting” that I previously mentioned.
In a very recent interview Sherilyn Fenn said (this part is taken from http://www.alternativenation.net/david-lynch-thought-twin-peaks-stars-in-love-actor-kiboshed-storyline/); “There was no plan, Dale Cooper ended up at the hotel, so put her with Audrey. We weren’t supposed to be together, but after we were together, something was on film that really worked, and instead of having his character go towards Joan Chen, which was their original plan, they had him start to come towards me. So his girlfriend, Lara Flynn Boyle [Donna], kiboshes an astonishing thing.”

She added, “I remember saying, ‘David [Lynch], is this how it goes? An actor complains, because she’s the girlfriend, and then you change?’ Then she started smoking in scenes, and doing strange things, I think she danced in a scene.”

“I was really upset they moved me away from Dale Cooper. The funniest thing, which you maybe heard me say before, is now Kyle [MacLachlan] will admit the truth, then he wouldn’t. At the time, he was saying, ‘No, her character is too young for me.’ Okay, meanwhile he is with a girlfriend, I’m 24-25, his girlfriend is 19, right, get it? Madchen [Amick] is 17, and then they bring in Heather [Graham], who is younger [too]. Whatever, silly.”

“On screen chemistry can be very different from off screen chemistry. Kyle and I were friends, we didn’t have what I’d call chemistry, but when Special Agent Dale Cooper and Audrey Horne came together, something happened. It just did, and at some point, David said, ‘Are you in love with Kyle?’ I said, ‘God no! No! Not even a little! Not at all, but Audrey thinks he’s the bees knees.”

Digressing back to the episode; it seems obvious that Lara Flynn Boyle has a serious issue with jealously to such an extent that she utilises it as a form of method acting. It’s obvious on screen, her scenes where she portrays jealous emotions seem exceptionally authentic.

It is really frustrating because once the whole Laura Palmer investigation plot is over, Audrey and Cooper rarely spend any time together and I think they play off each other so well. Hopefully, we’ll see this on screen chemistry in the upcoming season three.

Actually, this is a good time to mention this; season three will be starting in a month’s time (at time of writing, obviously) and my usual articles will take a slight hiatus while I focus on the new season. I plan on writing the usual bullshit shortly after each new episode then once we’ve all been hugely disappointed with the new season, I shall return to the comfort of the old shit from 1991… and to think I was hoping to finish the whole series prior to the release of the new one! Hey, even the best-laid plans of a GCSE-studied book often goes awry, all right!

Talking of Audrey, here’s a scene at One Eyed Jack’s. Blackie and Emory Battis have her tied up and doped up and all the while one of the other show girls is shooting the whole thing onto tape. It’s actually quite dark, there’s this young girl who has been held captive and her captors have injected her with heroin. Pretty dark and yet by the end of the scene Blackie even mentions that this whole scenario bares resemblance to what happened between her and Benjamin Horne.

We return to the Sheriff’s Department where Shelly Johnson is seeding her insurance fraud scam, Cooper can see through her bullshit. Mike, the one armed man is also there and selling shoes to Sheriff Truman. When he notices the wanted poster of Bob, Mike retires to the toilet to dose himself with medicine, his episode of panic attack subsides and he exits the toilet cubicle as a man possessed and desperate to find Bob. The syringe he was about to inject himself with remains idle on the floor.

Next, we’re introduced to Jacques Renault’s brother’ Jean. Michael Parks has an impressive CV! Check him out on IMDb… fucking IMDB… fuck you, IMDb! Can’t believe they fucking got rid of their message boards!

C’mon Graham! You’re nearly at the 2000 mark… time to wrap this shit up!

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Cooper and Truman speak to Dr. Jacoby who is recovering from his heart attack. His hospital bed looks more like an Hawaiian fever dream and a young, pretty girl is also there… apparently she is his wife. She looks like she’s barely 18 but fuck it, we know Dr. Jacoby is riding the cusp of paedophilia. Anyway, Cooper and Truman… I wonder what their mileage is in just this one episode? They’re travelling all over the fucking place!
So, they’re here to question him on the murder of Jacques Renault and I should mention that his brother’ Jean has been introduced in this episode because he wants revenge for the death of his brother. He, apparently blames Cooper for Jacques death, even though we all know it’s Leland.

In order for Dr. Jacoby to remember the events leading up to Jacques murder, he needs Cooper to hypnotise him and just when he’s about to tell them (and the viewer) we cut to Donna laying Mr. Smith’s fucking flower on Laura’s grave.
Then she starts getting all jealous like the dickhead she is and yeah, she ends up walking in on James and Maddy sharing a hug and a kiss… then she turns the jealously up to 11 and storms off! I’m guessing that the Donna character and Lara Flynn Boyle are just too fucking similar to be classed as “acting”. No wonder she’s not in the upcoming season three… she’s probably going to go full; “Sean Young”, you should never go full “Sean Young”!

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The episode ends with jealous Donna visiting Mr. Smith and noticing that Laura had another, secret diary that is in the possession of this fucking nut job.

I give this episode 10 Starbugs out of 10 and smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.

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Hotline Miami

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Ever been amongst friends and asked the question; what are your top ten favourite video games of all time? Well, I’m not doing a top ten list, sorry. But I’m talking about one game that will forever be in my top ten and that game is Hotline Miami.

Created by Dennaton Games (Programmer’ Jonatan Söderström and Artist’ Dennis Wedin) and published in October 2012 amongst a vast plethora of Triple A titles, Max Payne 3, Black Ops II and Halo 4 as examples. There was one game that gave me an experience that far outweighed it’s bigger budget contemporaries. In my previous examples, of which I’ve only played Max Payne 3 and Blops2; Hotline Miami in all it’s dayglow 16Bit glory cemented its characters, location and narrative into my memory in a way that those aforementioned first/third-person-shooters didn’t.
Five years later and I’m not playing Max Payne 3 or Black Op II, no, I’m still playing Hotline Miami and the reason for this is certainly down to the how the game presents itself.

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We’re thrown into a new reality that resembles an ever more hyperbolic, drug-fuelled and violent version of 80’s Miami. We view this world with brain-damage induced synesthesia and neon sunglasses. Our ears are filled with the sounds of stylish murder and faux-80’s synth.
It’s a shot of heroin with a nostalgia chaser before being thrown into the lapping waves of South Beach. Each day starts with ringing synapses and even louder ringing phones, the stale taste of too many B52’s and Singapore Slings still linger in the mouth. The memory of gouging eyes and splitting skulls no longer causes nausea.
This is Hotline Miami.
And to think that this game resembled a 16Bit top-down shooter of old. A game that is more than just anachronistic in aesthetic, since many parts of the game’s meandering plot (spread over 2 games) takes place prior to start of the 16Bit era. 16Bit games didn’t start appearing until late 1987 and even then it would be a year before the era of the Super Nintendo and Sega Mega Drive (Genesis).
Our first introduction to the world of Hotline Miami starts on 3rd April 1989. I would have been 6 years old and as far as I’m aware, there was no masked vigilante roaming around Miami with a lust for ultra-violence.

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But how does this game operate and what makes it different from other games of the genre?

Let’s look at the mechanics of the game. Hotline Miami is an assertively slick and quick reactionary’ top-down shooter where you die, over and over again, until you persevere with only muscle memory as your only helpful trait.
An enemy can kill you in less than a second, you have no health meter and more often than not you will start each level with only your fists. Weapons are numerous; from pistols to shotguns, lead pipes to fire axes. There’s even a frying pan in two of the levels, a detail that can be easily missed amongst the frenetic action and splashes of claret.
And this is where this game furthers it’s anachronistic personality since there is no way this game could be played on an old gamepad or joystick of the era. Dual analogue thumbsticks or the precision of a mouse and keyboard is the key for survival and yes, I know that there were mouse and keyboards in 1989 but did you see a games console or arcade machine with such peripheries? No.

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After completing each level, the player is scored against factors ranging from Killings, Boldness, Combos, Time Bonus, Flexibility, Mobility and Special. Though, I will admit that I’m not sure how these factors are actually scored and I’ve been given a low rating despite finishing a level quick and efficiently… obtaining an A+ rating for each level is a formidable task for even the most accomplished of gamer!

The story of Hotline Miami follows an unnamed protagonist that fan’s started calling; “Jacket”. He’s semi-based off of Ryan Gosling’s character from Drive. He’s a former US Special Forces operative turned brainwashed vigilante for the cause of a secretive society known only as 50 Blessings. Throughout the game, Jacket is given assassination missions by mysterious and cryptic answering machine messages… this all seems simple enough, right? Well, did I mention that San Francisco was nuked in 1985 after both the US President and USSR President were assassinated? No? Well, this is a plot point that can be easily missed if you’re playing both Hotline Miami 1 and 2 without taking in it’s complex and divergent narrative.
An entire book could be written on the intricacies of the storyline. How a collection of a few choice pixels can speak volumes instead of a huge info dump.
I’m fascinated by the plot, the characters and the world that Dennaton Games had created.
There’s a reason why Hotline Miami is a modern cult classic and that’s to do with my generation’s slight obsession with nostalgia for the 80’s but then again every generation has a fondness for things from 20 – 30 years previous. Look at American popular culture during the 70’s; Grease, American Graffiti and Happy Days were immensely popular at the time and those intellectual properties were about the 1950’s.

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By 2010, 80’s revivalist movies had appeared fairly regularly in the cinema. Remakes of Nightmare on Elm Street, The A-Team, and The Karate Kid reminded us why movies were better in the 80’s. In 2015 people kept asking where their hoverboard and flying cars were.
I suppose we seek warmth and security from a time where we had no real responsibilities, where the term “social media” would have been easily attributed to a book club.
During the apex of 80’s revival, Hotline Miami was released and in a world where most games were brown and grey first-person shooters, Hotline Miami gave us a game that not only harked back to our youth but played incredibly well.
It also helps that through all the frustration of trying to complete that one (pain in the arse) level the game also gave you immense dopamine-induced satisfaction.
By the end of the first game, you’re even asked to question your own association with violence and why you enjoy it. It’s provocative in a sense, after all, you’re not entirely expecting this game to ask such a poignant question.

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If you’ve never played these games then I urge you to pick it up. It’s available on Steam, PSN or Xbox Live and prepare to start listing Pertubator or Carpenter Brut as your new favourite musicians.

I give both Hotline Miami 1 & 2; 5 Star Trek references in a review for Twin Peaks out of 5.

Twin Peaks “Coma” Episode 10

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My last review was a bit quote heavy and made up 16.8% of my last article. Oh man, that was a long ass article. Jesus! My sincerest of apologies, I shall endeavour to be more concise and I have already name-checked the irregular cast members to see if they’ve appeared in Star Trek.

None of them have so… I’m all out of ideas!

Our episode begins like so many episodes have done before; at the Great Northern Hotel. Cooper and Albert Rosenfield are having breakfast while (this time) there is a smoking barbershop quartet hum in the background. They’re oddly positioned within the frame while in the foreground Cooper and Albert almost bookend the aforementioned quartet. The two FBI agents discuss Jacques Renault’s murder… he was suffocated! See! I said that in my last piece. That’s not me being completely oblivious to how a fucking script works! Sometimes mistakes do happen… why does this sound like some weird confessional? Anyway, Cooper attempts to enlighten Albert on the history of King Thothori Nyantsen, the first Tibetan King to be touched by the Dharma and in by doing so, he and the Kings that succeeding him were known as the Happy Generations.

He belonged to the Yarlung Dynasty from Southern Tibet and Buddhist legend tells of a chest that fell from the sky and landed on the roof of his palace. Inside the chest were four items, including one of those cool Singing Bowls, some jewels and one of those little yellow capsules you get inside Kinder eggs.

What relevance does this story share with this episode? Well, Cooper once had a dream about the plight of the Tibetan people and in this dream, a secret Tibetan method of deduction was revealed to him.

I had a dream where I was thrown into a deep pit by modern-day pirates on a tropical island, the pit functioned as a toilet and for two days the men would use the quite large latrine to shit and piss on me while they waited for me to die. Then on the third day, starved, fatigued and ill from being pissed and shitted on, one of the men slipped and fell. I bite his nose off and gouged his eyes until he either died from the agony or from choking on his own blood.

Using his machete, I severed his limbs and used his bones to climb out of the pit… I never gained any special deduction method from that fucked up dream but I now know how to make a ladder.

Digressing back to the scene, we learn from Albert Rosenfield that the FBI has no lead on Jacques Renault’s killer. This is obviously good news for Leland Palmer.

Agent Cooper also informs him that his ring is gone, vanished during his spiritual visitation.

This scene ends with a suspicious Asian Man, I kid you not, his character name is “Asian Man”.

He’s definitely Asian, Japanese to be exact. The actor is Mak Takano and I urge you to check out his website; www.maktakano.com

He’s basically, the most Japanese man on the fucking planet. There’s this massive picture of him, being all stoic while wearing a Gi, he’s even got a fucking black belt! The Shō pipe music that plays in the background fully cements Mak Takano-san as one of, if not the most Japanese man on the planet.

If he doesn’t spend every dawn, meditating on top of a mountain or practicing his Kamehameha technique then I just don’t know if I could handle that level of disappointment. Reality would undoubtedly collapse due to a severe lapse in logic. Maths would stop working and our planet, no, the fucking universe would end up looking very much like a shriveled up and burnt old sphincter.

Japan, yeah!

Our next scene just gets weird, like unsettling’ weird. Donna is dressed like a middle-aged woman who is clearing out the garage on a Sunday. She’s wearing a body warmer, come on Donna! You were looking pretty damn sassy in the last episode. What happened?

Shit, it’s the son of David Lynch in this scene! I guess you have seen Eraserhead right? David Lynch made a film about parental anxiety. The main character’ Henry Spencer (Jack Nance) murders his own offspring but not before allowing said offspring to become sick. Then he fantasizes about a girl who steps on unborn babies… and David Lynch is a father?!

Wow!

Anyway, Donna is following up on her own investigation. She’s taken over Laura Palmer’s meals on wheels job in her own investigative attempt and this where she meets Mrs. Tremond played by the forever old’ Frances Bay.

Frances Bay was an odd one, odd but cool. She made her acting début at the age of 59. She left her parents at age 16 to pursue a life in Hollywood… I guess she kept on walking past LA, by accident? I dunno, maybe she crawled her way to Hollywood, maybe pretended to be a dog with worms and shimmied her arse all the way to Hollywood?!

Anyway, she eventually made it to Hollywood and starred in Kojak, Happy Days and a shit load of films and TV shows. She even appeared in Karate Kid and Happy Gilmore.

If anyone could claim to be a prolific old lady in TV and film then it is Frances Bay… her last movie was released in 2013 and she’s probably still playing old ladies in films in Heaven because heaven’s a thing I guess?

The scene involving Mrs. Tremond and Donna is brilliantly off kilter. I know, I like to hate on the whole Donna and James bullshit but that doesn’t mean I dislike the characters. Donna gives Mrs. Tremond an apprehensive side glance, it’s a great facial expression and for some reason, it sticks in my mind.

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Anyway, this scene is incredibly cryptic. With the “young David Lynch” stealing the creamed corn from Frances Bay’s plate with “magic”. I’m sure there is some meaning behind it but fuck am I going to try and decipher it!

Donna leaves with some info from Mrs. Tremond; apparently “Mr. Smith” was a friend of Laura’s and he just so happens to live next door so Donna knocks on his door but he doesn’t answer. Maybe he’s got social anxiety or he’s agoraphobic or something, who knows?! Maybe we find out in the next episode… we do.

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Meanwhile, Agent Cooper and Sheriff Truman are at the hospital. Again. This time they want to talk to Ronette Pulaski who has been in a coma since the pilot episode. After a funny bit where both Cooper and Truman are trying to adjust the height of their seats. Cooper shows Ronette a couple of Deputy Andy’s sketches, one is of Leo Johnson while the other is of Bob and yet when the camera draws into focus, the sketch of Leo kind of looks a bit like Leland Palmer… odd, huh?!

When it comes to Bob’s picture, Ronette freaks out and repeats the word; “Train! Train! Train!”

Cooper already knew about the murder scene and Bob’s involvement so no new leads here.

What is interesting about this scene is how it ends; The electricity goes out but just before it does we can hear Bob’s wolf-like growl.

If you’re not aware by now that Twin Peaks has a supernatural element and you’ve seen up to the second episode of season two, then you fail at watching television. Me? I watch everything via a PlayStation so I also fail at watching television.

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It’s at this point in the episode where more of the comedic elements come into play. The next scene involves Ben and Jerry Horne, sitting by the fireplace in Ben’s office at the Great Northern Hotel. Jerry is chewing on a delicious looking smoked cheese pig-thing, whatever it is, I want it.

They’re discussing Catherine’s ledgers and they’re at loggerheads as to which ledger they should destroy. Should they burn the fake one or the real one? Both have their own merits but since this is Ben and Jerry we’re talking about, they decide to eat food instead… namely’ roasted marshmallows.

It is certainly odd that Ben hasn’t noticed that Audrey is missing? She has spent the last couple of days in One Eyed Jacks and you’re telling me that he’s not seen her at the hotel? She spent most of last season just loitering about the Great Northern so, c’mon Ben!?

At the Double R we catch up with Log Lady, she’s chewing on spruce gum. She did this in the last episode but I just assumed she was chewing on gum but apparently it’s called “pitch”. I had to research that because nobody chew’s “pitch” in England.

Here’s this little fact about “pitch”; “Real spruce gum is not easy to chew. It is not soft or sweet. Hard and crumbly is more accurate along with pieces of bark and bits of insects. But if you have good teeth and patience it will in time become a stiff gum. And if you leave it on your bedpost overnight the gum turns hard and crumbly again.” – Green Deane (www.eattheweeds.com/a-pitch-for-spruce-gum/)

That’s pretty fucking disgusting! And it seems to be rarely sold in the States (nowadays), so if you want to chew of this shit, head towards the Canadian border, near where Twin Peaks was filmed… I’m telling you, it’s the perfect place to find the good shit! Some primo Black Spruce, Picea mariana, hombre!

Totally went off topic there but I’d never heard of spruce gum before and if you’re a millennial reading this then I guess you’ve probably not heard of it either!

Anyway, the scene with Log Lady is a set up for a later scene. She talks to Major Briggs at the Double R diner and informs him that her log has something to tell him. Log Lady “translates” the log; “Deliver the message”, the log insists. The mind spunk within Major Briggs’ head cavity starts to churn, he knows exactly what the “message” he must “deliver” and fuck… we’re getting into X Files territory here but more on that at the end… basically, Major Briggs visits Cooper and… well, look I’m only five minutes into the episode alright…

Anyway, I digress, talking about “spunk”? the next scene is about Deputy Andy telling Lucy that he can’t possibly be the father of her baby because he had a sperm count and the Doctors told him that he was sterile, he proclaims that he first thought that being sterile meant he doesn’t need to take a bath but then again, he only donated sperm because he “likes whales”… Andy is just dumb, he’s like, later season’ Homer Simpson or final season’ Joey from Friends.

Friends… what a great show, amiright?

Since we’re at the Sheriff’s Department we might as well catch up with Sheriff Truman and Cooper. Hank had dropped by to sign his weekly parole papers and it is in this scene that we learn that Hank and Truman used to be friends, like full on BFFs but nothing last forever and despite Hank being one of the best damned Bookhouse Boys, he’s still the worst. But sometimes a person’s worst-self is their best-self and Hank is the best scum bag north of Leo Johnson.

Hank leaves and Cooper receives a call… it’s Ben Horne and he’s only just realised that Audrey is missing.

Ben Horne still has business to attend to…yep, that fucking Ghostwood Estate thing with the Icelandics. Ever heard of that Icelandic phone app? It’s called Islendiga-App and its purpose is to stop Icelanders from accidentally dating their cousin. There’s like, only 300,000 people in Iceland? I guess it’s quite a common occurrence?

Anyway, the Icelanders are concerned for the future of Ghostwood on account of the lumber mill fire and since Leland Palmer is Ben’s accountant, he has tried his to best to mitigate any issues much to the annoyance of Ben and Jerry. Leland seems completely oblivious to just how dirty his clients are.

Then Leland spots the wanted poster featuring Bob and it is here that we learn that Leland knows “of that man”. Leland goes on to mention that he knew him when he was a boy and it sounds like Bob probably molested a young Leland Palmer!? Just how old is Bob?

As we head towards the last quarter of the episode it’s worth mentioning that this episode is one of the ones that David Lynch directed. It’s got all the hallmarks of a David Lynch directed episode… it even says it at the beginning, in the credits!

That’s probably why he stuck his son in there.

You ever wonder what goes through the mind of someone with really weird fetishes? Like, why a person is turned on by the strangest shit? Look, I can understand someone having a foot fetish but how does someone discover that they’re sexually attracted to the idea of listening to a vacuum cleaner?

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Audrey confronts Emory Battis, he’s the guy who manages the perfume counter at Ben’s store. She surprises him with some asphyxiation erotica but not the good kind, not the David Carridine kind.

No, she wants answers and she’s Audrey Horne and she always gets what she wants!

Unfortunately, despite learning of her father’s connection to Laura Palmer, there’s no real tangible evidence. I doubt Emory Battis is going to testify?

He’s strung up like a Japanese schoolgirl for fuck’s sake, he’s in no position to do anything!

Cooper is about to hit the sack when Major Briggs comes to deliver a very important message… basically, the parts of Cooper’s conversation with the giant in the last episode has been intercepted by Major Briggs’ radio telescope. His classified mission is to listen out for aliens and as far as he’s aware, aliens have made contact in the most Lynchian of ways.

What could have been explained as the delusions of a shot man at death’s door now has substance.

This mystery has certainly taken yet another unexpected turn!

Talking of unexpected turns, here’s the next scene on YouTube… just watch it, seriously. It’s one of, if not the cheesiest fucking thing you’ll ever see in your miserable life. Watch it, digest it and thank me for giving you this fucking cheeseboard:

But then Maddy gets a visitation from Bob and the cheesiest scene turns into carefully realised horror. Bravo David Lynch, bravo.

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And finally, we conclude with Cooper as he dreams all kinds of shit. He’s awoken by Audrey who is calling from One Eyed Jacks but before she can tell him of her location the phone is cut off my Blackie. Audrey is in some serious shit!

Overall, this is a brilliant episode made better by having Lynch in the captain’s chair and since I haven’t made any references to Star Trek yet… well, apart from “captain’s chair”… he’s a picture of Richard “Ben Horne” Beymer in an episode of Star Trek Deep Space Fucking Nine!!!

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I give this episode nine deep spaces out of nine.