This episode starts completely from where we last left off with the Federal Bureau’s finest’ Special Agent Dale Cooper discovering Audrey Horne naked in his bed at the Great Northern Hotel. I sympathise with the guy, he’s stuck between a murder victim and an erection… or his duty and his erection… I think we’re off to a good start with this “review”.
Funny story, it’s been over a month since I’ve watched Twin Peaks and I accidentally watched the wrong episode. This is supposed to be a review of the episode entitled; “Cooper’s Dream” and because the DVD doesn’t have episode names, I watched; “Realization Time”. I really should have realised my error but it doesn’t matter because I’ll just save this review and upload it after I’m reviewed the previous episode and you, reader will be none the wiser.
Welcome to Episode 7 review; Realization Time!
If it were 1990 and I liked Brylcreem, black coffee and hanging upside down then I honestly don’t think I could turn down Audrey Horne. Naked. In my bed. But our favourite FBI Agent that isn’t Fox Mulder or Dana Scully is sporting an FBI bomber jacket, you know? Those navy blue ones with the yellow lettering, that you always see in movies and I think it is safe to assume, you would probably see them if you lived in America? Anyway, I’m used to seeing these jackets with the big, thick and bold yellow lettering. I think the font is Impact or a squished Arial Black but in this instance Dale Cooper’s jacket has Liberation Serif!!!
Fancy stuff Mr. David Lynch. I like it!
Dale Cooper utilises his charm and supposed… knowledge of 12th century battle etiquette… I’m sure that’s what chivalry is? Anyway, he’s a thoroughbred pedigree of a gentleman and he’s sworn the Federal Bureau Oath of Celibacy. He eluded to such an oath during this scene:
When a man joins the Bureau he takes an oath to uphold certain values.
Values that he’s sworn to live by.
This is wrong, Audrey.
We both know it.
But don’t you like me?
I like you very much.
You’re beautiful, intelligent, desirable.
Everything a man wants in his life.
But what you need right now, more than anything, is a friend.
Audrey Horne got totally friendzoned, hah! What a loser!
Deputy Andy arrives at the Sheriff’s Station and Lucy is still being a right dick to him. He still doesn’t know why and I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that Lucy is pregnant. Spoiler Warning, total spoiler warning. Lucy is carrying a little baby and now she knows because she’s just received a call from the doctors.
So, yeah. Lucy is off with Andy because she’s completely up the duff.
Did we forget about a murder?
Our only potential witness to the murder is a fucking myna bird called Waldo. They’re one of those talking birds that are not of the parrot variety and Cooper does have a voice activated Dictaphone. So he’s just gonna stick those two things together and viola! Evidence, everybody! Evidence.
I honestly don’t know how this will hold up in court but then again, all I know about courts is from Netflix’ Daredevil. I’m not exactly an expert on these things and I haven’t bothered to watch Making a Murderer.
Another piece of evidence is the chipped poker chip from One Eyed Jack’s and seeing as they have drug peddler’ Jacques Renault myna bird then maybe they should pay him a visit… only problem, it’s in fucking Canada and America isn’t part of Canada. FBI or not, Cooper has no jurisdiction there so he asks Sheriff Truman if he can enlist the help of the Bookhouse Boys(TM).
Well, he’s going to get Big Ed in a crappy disguise so, whatever.
Remember how Shelly shot Leo Johnson in the last episode? I vaguely do. He’s just hanging out and being an absolute piece of garbage but now he’s covered in his own blood, his arm is buggered and he’s got a hunting rifle with Bobby’s name on it.
But when he’s about to shoot both Bobby and Shelly, he leaves when he overhears Lucy on his CB radio. Being the criminal that he is, he’s always got his radio tuned in and listening in on the Sheriff’s Station and Lucy is talking about Jacques’ myna bird.
With this in mind, Leo knows what he must do.
He’s totally going to shoot that bird because there’s no way that bird is going to testify in court!
I know it sounds utterly ridiculous but later, he actually stealth/snipes the fuck out of that bird. Insane right? Well, need I remind you that this is Twin Peaks and I’m completely reviewing the wrong episode. I’m such a dick.
You know another thing I miss about the 90’s. Making mix tapes and giving them to your friends, recording music off the radio, that kind of retarded nostalgia-wank.
I still have a mix tape from a girl I used to fancy, it’s got the following tracks on of it.
Side B has titles like; “You make me real (The Doors)” and “Cos I luv you (Slade)” and yet when I made a move I was friendzoned before “friendzone” was even a thing, hah! I’m such a loser!
Anyway, Donna, James and Maddy are going through some of Laura Palmer’s stuff because, you know, they’re looking for their own evidence. It seems that everyone is now a fucking detective so why not?! They start listening to one tape that Laura recorded for Dr. Jacoby:
What’s up, Doc? Just a few words before I go to sleep.
I feel like I’m gonna dream tonight.
Big bad ones, you know? The kind you like.
It’s easier talking into the recorder.
I guess I feel I can say anything.
All my secrets.
The naked ones.
I know you like those, Doc.
I know you like me, too.
That’ll be my little secret, OK? Just like your coconut.
Why is it so easy to make men like me? And I don’t even have to try very hard.
The coconut is important in the next episode by the way. Spoiler Warning. It’s a spoiler warning.
After listening to the recording Maddy discovers an empty tape case, dated 23rd February. The night that Laura was murdered and so our trio of aspiring super sleuths have drawn their conclusion; it was obviously Dr. Jacoby!
This scene helps paint the continuing sordid picture of who the real Laura Palmer was and she was a far cry from the supposedly sweet and innocent corpse that Eraserhead discovered. If anything, she was deeply troubled and highly extroverted. Probably sociopathic and the more we learn about her the more we grow to understand that she had pushed herself down this meandering stream towards her own terrible murder. She is as much of an accomplice as she is a victim and this is what sets her part from your usual murder victim as portrayed in television… unless you count Rosie Larson from The Killing and probably a whole load that you’ve probably thought of as well.
Anyway, Audrey is being proactive as well as being just about the best sales assistant at a perfume counter ever. She insults a customer and then saunters off to spy on one of her colleagues as she talks to the incredibly creepy boss’ Emory Battis, the man who has all the allure of a 1970’s BBC television personality. While Audrey smokes a cigarette and spies on them, Battis gives a young shop assistant a gift. He even explains that, I assume it’s a broach or ornament, anyway it’s a fucking uncorn and Battis feels the need to explain to this girl that a unicorn is a mythical animal that represents purity.
Battis invites the young girl back to One Eyed Jack’s and Audrey knows that this place must hold some kind of relevance. Later, she speaks to her unicorn-owning colleague and tricks her into giving Audrey the phone number for “Black Rose” AKA Blackie O’Reilly, One Eyed Jack’s madam and matriarch figure.
See, everyone is a fucking detective!
Talking about detectives, Cooper and Truman have decided to visit the Double R Diner so that they can check up on the recently paroled’ Hank. It is here that we learn some exceptionally sage advice from the greatest FBI agent that never actually lived.
Harry, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it. Don’t wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men’s store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee.
Seriously, this guy is basically a walking prozac.
Hey, you know there’s a new Bladerunner film coming out right? Yeah, I know… this is a bit of a tangent but it actually isn’t. I’m going to utilise literary guile and link these two fucking intellectual properties via the means of 1920’s Mayan Revival architecture.
I’m really looking forward to Bladerunner 2049 and not many people know this but this film is actually the 2049th entry in the franchise. You probably didn’t know this because you’re obviously not cool enough and the previous 2048 entries can only be watched on obscure formats that only I know about so… neh.
The Notebook Gosling is our new main character and I can safely assume he is also a Bladerunner, just like Han Solo was in the very first Bladerunner movie.
They really missed a trick with the trailer, they could’ve really tugged at the old heart strings with Harrison Ford’s Deckard along with James Hong’ Hannibal Chew and they’re standing side by side on the Millennium Falcon and and Deckard says to Hannibal Chew; “Chew, we’re home.”
Just like Star Wars did with The Force Awaken’s trailer… so much cum was expelled across the globe that day.
So you’re probably thinking, what the fuck has 1920’s Mayan Revival architecture, Twin Peaks and Bladerunner have in common. Well, simple really, Frank Lloyd Wright’s Ennis house in LA. Deckard’s apartment was filmed in Ennis house and lo and behold so was Twin Peaks!
Actually, not Twin Peaks per se but the TV show that is shown during episodes of Twin Peaks, I’m talking about the shitty soap opera’ Invitation to Love and it just so happens that this show-within-a-show was filmed in Ennis house. So, there you have it!
Grounded insanity hiding in plain nonsensical view.
Talking about insanity, Nadine is watching Invitation to Love and she’s distressed because her patent for 100% silent drape runners was rejected. Big Ed is there to comfort her and though he longs for Norma he stills shows genuine affection for his crazy Cyclops of a wife.
I’ll gloss over a few scenes but just to summarise, Josie Packard is still playing innocent. She admits to spying on Benjamin Horne a couple of episodes back and how she knows that both Ben and Catherine are plotting to burn down the lumber mill (possibly with Josie in it!).
In the next scene, Cooper presses Truman on the whole Josie-thing. Cooper knows that something is seriously amiss but Truman is insistent, he loves Josie and he “knows” her better than anyone… he’s obviously blinded by his own erection, I guess.
We already know this from the last episode but Josie’s criminal involvement is brought to a head when Catherine gets a visit from some lawyer, solicitor, I don’t know what they’re called but you see them in old TV shows. They work for insurance companies and insist that they need someone’s signature before midnight for plot reasons.
Anyway, Catherine discovers that a life insurance policy has been taken out in her name. Guess who the beneficiaries are? Ben Horne and Josie Packard so it looks like she’s being totally fucked in the arse! She kind of deserves it for how she’s been treating her own husband so no tears are shed, to be honest.
Nooooo! Leo murdered the myna bird!
While Cooper and Big Ed are sorting out their disguises for their trip to One Eyed Jack’s, poor Waldo is viciously gunned down but not before the Dictaphone recorded the bird crying out Laura’s name. See, fucking magic evidence.
As suave as Cooper looks in his tuxedo, Big Ed looks like an 80’s oil tycoon who also happens to make porn on the side. His wig looks a bit like his usual hairdo and the moustache along with the bolo tie just really pulls the entire ensemble together. Even though he looks like a fake million dollars, Big Ed isn’t exactly cut out for this secret agent bullshit because despite being a “oral surgeon” along with Cooper who is also a “oral surgeon”, he accidentally tells Blackie that he owns a petrol station. But Big Ed is a Big hit with the ladies and he flirts his way to victory when she asks;
I’ve got a car out back with a serious root canal problem.
I was hopin’ you’d need a little gum work, ’cause I’d sure like to take a look under your hood.
Finally at the Blackjack table, my third favourite card game (Poker being my first, Shithead being my second), our man’ Cooper finally gets the croupier he’s been waiting for; Jacques Renault. He’s the Kevin Bacon / Paul Erdős-link to possibly solving Laura Palmer’s murder (yeah, remember her?).
Meanwhile, back in America… James, Donna and Maddy are at a phone box, Maddy is disguised as Laura Palmer. James is taken aback by this, much to Donna’s chagrin. It’s obvious that he has strong feelings for Laura and with Laura dead, Maddy is more than just a suitable replacement, especially considering she’s the same actress. Yeah, kind of creepy but if I had a dead girlfriend then I’d totally have sex with her doppelgänger… I’d even ask her to lay still and hold her breath and generally pretend to be a corpse… huh?
Maddy does her best Laura Palmer impression, even going as far to mimic dialogue that they heard from her recording to Dr. Jacoby. I’m guessing the whole “mimic” thing is a reference to Waldo the myna bird because that bird mimics people’s voices and Maddy is doing the same.
Dr. Jacoby doesn’t believe that Laura really is talking to him, obviously since he has been to the morgue and we can assume he’s seen her corpse. We also know that he has been doing his own investigation into her murder so in this instance, they’re totally barking up the wrong tree.
But they’ve dropped off a video of Maddy dressed as Laura and she’s holding a copy of today’s newspaper and this is enough to turn the sceptical Dr. Jacoby into a believer.
But he also notices the location of where the video footage was filmed so he decides to bugger off to there instead. After the phone call is made, James and Donna leave Maddy behind and all the while Bobby is watching them from the bushes… but someone is watching Bobby watching James, Donna and Maddy. It’s a pretty cool shot!
James and Donna arrive at Dr. Jacoby’s place and they break in, unbeknown to them Bobby has followed and he’s stashed a load of cocaine on James’ bike in an attempt to frame him.
The episode ends with the mysterious person watching Maddy from the bushes. Will history repeat itself?
But before we close this review off… there’s a scene where Audrey ties a knot in the stem of a cherry. Oh Audrey, I need to hack into the Pentagon and a use Memotech MTX 512 with an FDX add-on to make you real… if you end up being Kelly Le Brock then I’d only be marginally disappointed.
I’m going to give this episode 5 Ryan Goslings out of 5.