In a calamitous turn of events I accidentally watched the wrong episode of Twin Peaks, then I wrote a fairly loose review, recap or whatever they’re called and here we are. After a bit of a dry spell, we’re back with Twin Peaks and (at time of posting) there will be not one but two episodes in the bag… I guess 2017 is already better than 2016!
We’re treated to an excellent start to one of the top five best episodes of Twin Peaks. I guess I’ll have to write a Top Five Special or something… anyway, Kyle MacLachlan’s Agent Dale Cooper has been rudely awoken at “4:28 AM” by Nords and he really wants Diane to “overnight express a pair of those ear pillow silicon ears from [his] last trip to New York” and naturally he didn’t bring them to Twin Peaks because he didn’t think they’d be necessary. Though, I really need to make something clear here, I’ve also been doing my own investigation and Dale Cooper’s Micro-27 Microcassette Recorder by Realistic doesn’t have Wi-Fi or 4G for that matter so I’m not entirely sure how “Diane” gets these messages?!
Regardless, the commotion from what we will soon learn is some business-thing that Ben & Jerry are running with potential Icelandic investors… yeah, it’s got something to do with Josie’s lumber mill… it’s all totally connected. So the Nords are singing songs of Skyrim or something, I can only assume it’s Skyrim because my last article was about that and for no well explained reason I like to reference stuff, a lot etc.
Cooper is sitting down for coffee, Icelandic singing can be heard in the background, the very same that has awoken him at a seriously shitty time. It’s barely the fucking morning at 4:28. Sorry if any reader has to do that but fuck! Seriously, I’m a firm believer of the circadian rhythm and this ain’t hippie bullshit, our physiological processes run on a rough 24 hour cycle and this in engrained within us by the earth’s rotation around the sun. Even without comprehension derived from the ancient Egyptians and Babylonians, we experience a constant day and night cycle.
Despite the nights growing shorter during colder periods I bet that most of us still go to bed at roughly the same time throughout the year.
We offset it with caffeine and alcohol but still, our processes function endogenously and that includes the production of hormones, brain wave activity, cell regeneration and other biological business that is firmly linked into our 24 hour cycle. Melatonin can only secrete at certain times, dude. So why the hell would you want to wake up at 4:28 AM, that’s when your body temperature hits it’s lowest! You’ve still got another 4 hours until your Melatonin secretions stops.
That’s when your body stops suppressing your bowel movements, testosterone secretion starts after that and then you’re at high alertness… that’s why I’m writing this review at 23:33… damn, totally failed at abiding by the circadian rhythm.
The waitress asks Cooper if he wants coffee, “Please” he says and as she pours he asks, “What’s with the choir practice?”
“Business junket.” Replies the waitress. “From Iceland. Got in about three this morning.”
“They’re on my floor.” States Cooper, sorely.
“Lucky you.” Said the waitress, coffee pot in hand.
“It’ll take them a day or so to reset their biological clocks.” Concludes Agent Cooper.
See, fucking “biological clocks”. I’m nearly 600 hundred words into this review of the sixth episode of Twin Peaks (entitled; Cooper’s Dream) and I’ve only covered the first 3 minutes and 9 seconds of this episode. The first minute and thirty seven seconds is just the introduction sequence.
Yeah, this episode warrants it because it is just that fucking good!
So Audrey saunters towards Cooper as he’s about to drink his first cup of today, though I’m fairly sure it is his only “on screen” cup for today because later he has tea with Log Lady and what an excellent scene that is. Yes, I did say this was an excellent episode and it will be in my Top Five Episodes of Twin Peaks Special (that I’ll never actually write)… so yeah, it’s his first cup of coffee.
Audrey flirts, Cooper is “tired and a little on edge” but she’s insistent. “I got a job” she tells him, along with details of her budding detective aspirations.
He eventually asks her how old she is.
Oh, that’s okay then, I guess?
“I’ll see you later, Audrey.” Replies Cooper, there’s a subtle flirtatious hint to his voice.
Good work Cooper, though I’m not entirely sure why he didn’t ask her that before!
Jesus Christ. How am I really only 750 words into this review/recap-thing?
I’m going to have to seriously gloss over a lot… where was I?
It was Jerry Horne who brought all the Icelanders to the Great Northern Hotel and they’re interested in Ben Horne’s Ghostwood Estates thing, whatever that is… I think it’s a country club but to be honest I’m more interested the whole Laura Palmer murder plot (I should mention that the connections to the murder and the Horne business empire are certainly linked).
I thoroughly enjoy the characters embroiled in this scheme. Jerry being the most fun character and his obsession with food is such a delight to watch. In this scene he’s got an entire leg of lamb that he displays proudly, he remarks that the new love of his life gave him it as a token gesture… the woman just so happens to be part of the Icelandic entourage.
His brother’ Ben is the more grounded of the two and with his suit and cigar, along with his mannerisms, he’s really channelling his inner pantomime Chicago mobster.
The only thing that stands in the way of the Horne’s country club scheme is Josie’s lumber mill, though I’m not entirely sure why they can’t just use another spit of land? America is a big fucking place and seriously, he already owns several lucrative businesses. I guess he’s a bit of an adventure capitalist at heart?
Laura’s bereaved father’ Leland Palmer arrives and we’re treated to a bit of the always brilliant Ray Wise. He’s an exceptionally tragic character who wants to be of some help, he is Ben’s attorney after all but Ben really doesn’t want him around.
Remember that porn mag/escort directory from the first episode? Well, Cooper’s only gone and found another copy at Jacques Renault’s apartment. Jacques is heavily connected to the murder since he was basically pimping out Laura and the coma girl.
And this scene links nicely with the next where we catch up with Bobby and Shelly where they’re plotting to get rid of Leo by implicating him. When Deputy Andy knocks on the door asking for Leo, Shelly tells him that he overheard Leo and Jacques arguing about Laura Palmer on the night of her murder. A slight fabrication but to be fair, she is pointing the police in the right direction.
Next up, Norma and Big Ed have a moment outside his petrol station. She informs him of Hank’s parole and Big Ed informs her that his wife is sick and so their relationship is currently stuck, much to both of their disappointments. I swear that the main theme music that usually plays when Big Ed is on screen works, it’s that deep, twangy cowboy guitar rhythm that really makes you want to watch him on horseback… with his top off, wrangling cattle as the sun sets over the corral… he’s a rugged manly, man with aspirations to bone Peggy Lipton and for good reason! She’s absolutely stunning and I was surprised to discover that she was a successful model in the 19-fucking-60’s!
She was in her mid-forties when she portrayed Norma Jennings and not only that but she was married to prolific musician and record producer’ Quincy Jones!
Here’s a picture of her with Paul McCartney, you know, Paul from the fucking Beatles and she was sleeping with him as well!
She celebrated her 70th birthday last August and she’s still gorgeous. I’m not into old ladies, sure she’s over twice my age but I’d totally be down for some “nursing home role play”, if you know what I mean?
So, Audrey meets with Emory Battis. The department store manager and one of many of Ben Horne’s underlings. He’s a creepy, sleazy sack-of-shit of a human being with surplus blood just pumping into his corpora and when he informs her that (as per her father’s instructions) she is to work in the wrapping department… no… Audrey is not having any of it.
She utilises her sex appeal so that she can work at the perfume counter. After all, that’s where Laura used to work and being the budding detective that Audrey is, maybe there’s link?
Cooper et al are at Jacques apartment where he discovers a photograph of a log cabin with red drapes in the windows. He draws a conclusion that this cabin in the woods is of some importance because he had that crazy, crazy dream. To back up his method of lucid abstract reasoning, there’s a picture of (we can only assume) Laura Palmer in a copy of the porno mag. Her face has been cut out but there’s red drapes in the background of the photograph.
It looks like we’ll be heading to the cabin fairly soon.
I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s something quite odd about Laura Palmer actress’ Sheryl Lee. She’s great in the part of Maddy, Laura’s cousin but there’s a strange emptiness in her eyes. It’s like she’s constantly stoned, I’ve never seen anyone so vacant and it’s oddly unnerving.
Is she doing it on purpose? Is that even possible?
Anyway, Maddy is meeting with James and Donna in the Double R Diner where the two love birds ask her to help find clues that might lead them to Laura’s killer.
Norma and Shelly arrive at the diner… I’m not sure who is actually serving customers because both Norma and Shelly have decided to get anachronistic hairdos… I’ve not seen beehives like that since old Gary Larson comic strips.
Anyway, Norma’s husband’ Hank is out of prison and immediately he’s started stinking up the place with the ominous odour of CRIME!
The best part about the location of the Double R is that it’s one place that usually homes several of the interweaving plot threads. The camera shifts attention from one group of characters to another, giving us a true sense of location while providing the viewer with a microcosm of the town of Twin Peaks. Without it, we would have the Martell mansion, Great Northern Hotel and the Sheriff’s Department plus a smattering of other households but no real, tangible public place.
What’s Bobby up to? Well, Dr. Jacoby is holding a family support meeting with Bobby Briggs, his father’ General Hammond from Stargate SG1 and mother Briggs.
After an outburst by Bobby where his attempts to demonise his father for being part of the military and their typical brand of wholesale murder, Dr. Jacoby insists on having a one-to-one with the troubled young adult and for the first time the usually smug’ Bobby shows vulnerability. Dr. Jacoby presses him on secrets that only he would know from Laura, such as the time Bobby and Laura first made love, Bobby cried and Laura laughed at him. Bobby divulges about how Laura made him sell drugs and that she was on a course of self destruction.
Anton Szandor LaVey had a term for people like Laura Palmer. For those who don’t know; Anton LaVey was the founder of the Church of Satan and in his great book; The Satanic Bible he speaks of Psychic vampires. Let me tell you, not all vampires suck blood. LaVey said; “Many people who walk the earth practice the fine art of making others feel responsible and even indebted to them, without cause. [They] are individuals who drain others of their vital energy. Yet we feel responsible to the psychic vampire without knowing why.”
When we were first introduced to the corpse of the supposedly sweet and perfect home coming queen, our mental picture of her slowly draws into focus and the true nature of Laura Palmer rears its ugly head.
Some may find it strange, but as a writer of science fiction with a fascination with quantum physics and an educated understand of how we perceive reality, I am also a believer in God and I would lay claim on my belief being a little bit part of the Christian persuasion (because I’m white and English), I still find the concept to be pretty much hokey. This belief stems from my understanding of the universe and a boolean concept that; it is the height of human hubris to assume that we are most intelligent species in our universe. We’ve played God with our ape brains by creating spider goats or new species of lizards (both are true, I could provide sources but Google it, it’s quite fascinating), we’ve unlocked the human genome and built the world’s largest camera with the intention of photographing the universe’s smallest objects.
But would I say I’m Christian? Probably not, maybe a Satanist because… Evel Knievel, Hail Evil!
You can’t have one without the other.
Besides, who’d want to go to heaven anyway? It’s full of peadophiles and dead billionaires. I want to go to hell, it’s fucking badass and it’s got an awesome soundtrack.
I’m also slightly superstitious… Today is Friday 13th and I decided not to ride my motorcycle to work because it’s icy as fuck… yeah, you could call it “common sense” but I like to call it; “superstition”.
Twin Peaks is littered with superstition and this is a great segue to the scene involving the Log Lady;
The A Team that comprises of Cooper, Truman, Hawk and Dr. Hayward have stopped off at the ever cryptic Log Lady’s home on their way to Jacques Renault’s cabin. She appears to astral project through the medium of living wood. Yeah, I know right?
We learn that Leo Johnson and Jacques Renault led Laura Palmer and Ronette Pulaski to the cabin while a third man followed behind them… the third man is Bob, right? It’s got to Bob.
At the cabin they discover Waldo the myna bird, in the previous episode they were searching for this bird and alas, they’ve found Waldo like many a 90’s American child (we were looking for Wally in the UK).
A record player is playing a song and this rings true to Cooper’s Dream (roll credits). “Where we’re from, the birds sing a pretty song, there’s always music in the air.” Cooper repeats the words spoken to him by the Maisie William’s dwarf in his dream. They also find a poker chip from One Eyed Jack’s but with a piece missing and I bet the missing piece was the one they found in Laura’s stomach.
So, now we know that Laura was definitely here.
At the Great Northern Hotel, Ben and Jerry are entertaining the Icelandic business party. The ever elegant’ Catherine Martell drags Ben into his office where she slaps the shit out of him for sleeping with whores at One Eyed Jack’s, they kiss and make up and discuss their plot to fuck over Josie Packard and all the while Audrey is spying on them from a peep hole in a rather large wall cavity. She finds this amusing to say the least.
As Jerry attempt to make a toast in honour of the Icelanders, some 1930’s swing music bullshit starts playing and the grieving Leland Palmer starts dancing, albeit pathetically in front of Ben and Jerry’s guests. Embarrassed, Ben insists that Catherine dance with Leland. He starts cradling his head in abject depression and Catherine mimics him as if to demonstrate that this is some kind of dance routine. It’s both equally tragic and hilarious at the same time, especially when the guests start doing the same.
Audrey watches on and she starts to cry.
Ben leaves the party to meet with Josie Packard and it’s suddenly made clear that Ben and Josie are actually scheming against Catherine. It’s not quite a full-on M. Night Shyamalan twist but it will have to do.
We’re treated to a few quick scenes; Maddy calls Donna about finding a cassette tape that Laura had hidden. Leo gets his arse handed to him by Hank. Battered, Leo arrives home and starts acting like an utter cunt to Shelly but she totally shoots him in a typical cliff-hanger way.
Cooper returns to the Great Northern to find a sobbing Audrey in his bed.
He hasn’t really got much to work with here, she’s obviously distraught and if I were in that position I don’t think it would be appropriate to act like this was something you’d find on Brazzers… though, crying porn is actually a thing. Why? Because there’s misogynistic arseholes on this 6 sextillion ton of rock we call a planet.
Anyway, fucking awesome episode. One of the bests but guess what? The next review is being posted, like, now so read that you word junkie.
I give this episode 19 Satanic Enochian Keys out of 19. Murder your infant son, he’s the fucking Anti-Christ!