My original intention was to watch an episode a week and write a review. I was going to save each episode so that each review was fresh but I’ve nearly completed the series thus far and yes, maybe I should’ve saved them for viewing prior to writing these reviews…but! I wanted to keep watching this crazy piece of shit! I’m now, thoroughly a fan of Twin Peaks and I’m eager to finish this series so that I can watch season three in 2017! That’s why there’s been a gap between reviews.
There is also another reason why I’ve been quite lax as well and that reason has a name; Skyrim.
Yep, that game has had a re-release on current generation games consoles and I’ve never played this game. I’d even go as far as saying that when the original game came out in 2011, I took the piss out of my mates who sunk literal weeks into this fantasy role playing, stealth archer, sexy lady simulator and now I have to eat humble pie!
That game is just too fucking good and this is coming from someone who just doesn’t appreciate the fantasy aesthetic at all, I don’t like Game of Thrones and I barely appreciate Lord of the Rings. Even as a petulant 13 year old in Games Workshop, I turned my nose up at Warhammer because it didn’t have guns. “Pft! Wood Elves?! My army consists of a reasonably-painted legion of Blood Angel Space Marines, a load of tanks and bigass robot dudes! I’m cool, you’re not!”
But I have fond memories of magazine series that I started reading when I was 8 or 9, it was either called; The Incestral Trial or The Ancestral Trail, probably the the latter.
I think I only had one or two issues and I think it had something to do with a card game?
Fuck knows, I’m sure I will search for it on Google and post up an image below;
Remember this you old piece of shit…
The actual point to Skyrim is that you spend an hour or two making the sexiest stealth archer in the whole of Skyrim but then you’re given a bodyguard by the “Jarl of Whiterun” and because this bodyguard’ Lydia was made by the developers, she’s sexier than you so you end up dumping her somewhere out of sight and continue on an epic quest that involves gaining experience points so you can unlock the ability to decapitate your foes… or shoot your arrows more efficiently, or something. You kill a dragon and absorb it’s soul because you’re like the Highlander(?), then you learn to shout so loudly that you can shout people off mountains… or use it to see how the physic engine works (I like to shout at tables so that everything flies off in dramatic fashion).
At some point, you get drunk and some farmer has a go at you because you sold his goat to a Giant.
Sometimes woolly mammoths levitate in the air because Bethesda (the game’s developer) don’t know how to make a game without bugs.
Ironically, you can find literal bugs in jars that don’t do anything and because making potions is as fun as selecting two different ingredients before selecting the “craft” function, you end up eating every single fucking ingredient you come across just so you can learn its properties.
Just so you know, if you eat Salt you end up being weak to magic spells or some shit! My super sexy archer basically sticks anything in her mouth!
I have no idea how long it will take me to complete this game but I’m sure I haven’t even scratched the surface yet.
Anyway, Skyrim is the fifth game in The Elder Scrolls series and the first game was entitled; Arena… despite not actually having an arena in the game, apparently. Anyway, I love the front cover of Arena because it has all the hallmarks of a classic fantasy game.
Huge hulking, armoured barbarian… check.
Stoic knight holding a massive broadsword… check.
Mystical wizardy dude… check.
Ninja whore… uh… yeah, check.
The Elder Scrolls: Arena came out in 1993… that 3 years after Twin Peaks…
And this segues perfectly because Deputy Andy is pretty damn good at drawing… and maybe, he would also be good at drawing ninja whores?! … or… err… “drawing” swords…
Oh fuck it, anyway he’s pretty good at drawing Bob and he’s also pretty good at dropping his gun (more on that later) and being clumsy in general. He’s such a sweet character and I really don’t think I could handle it if anything bad happened to either him or the love of his life’ Lucy.
He’s sketching Bob, the guy who owns a “deathbag” and apparently we might think he’s gone insane but he had promised to kill again, so I guess that’s alright?
Laura’s “mom”, Sarah Palmer is describing the dream she had at the end of episode 1. Bob appears at the foot of her bed and a hand removes Laura’s necklace, the very same one that Dr. Jacoby dug up. Donna is also there, along with Laura’s cousin’ Maddy (played by Sheryl Lee, the same actress as Laura Palmer). Why is Donna there? I have no idea but this episode likes to efficiently utilise space. I’ll explain later when I get the scene in at the motel.
Regardless, this entire scene exists so that Donna knows that the necklace that she hid has been discovered even if this was part of Sarah’s vision. We also learn that Sarah is psychic and that Twin Peaks seems to be a slightly magical place… just like fucking Skyrim. BOOM!
See, there was an actual point to mentioning Skyrim, after all!
Cooper goes on to interview Dr. Jacoby, where we learn that Laura had problems. Yeah, as if that was an understatement! She’s a murder victim, “problems” would be the very least of flavoursome descriptions of her state of being but even before she suffered a bad case of entropy, she was a fucking nightmare. Just like my ex wife, amiright!?
Back at the Sheriff’s department, Cooper acknowledges that the sketch that Deputy Andy made looked remarkably like the man from his dream (except his eyes were little more closer together). Then Hawk calls in, apparently the one-armed man was in the hospital and this doesn’t sit well with Agent Cooper because the one-armed man was also in his dream as well.
So, the gang all head to a motel where the one-armed man is currently residing.
Space is important in this episode and while we’re at the motel we also follow up on a another plot strand.
I’ve refrained from really talking about this plot line because I’ve tried to focus more on the actual murder-thing instead of the Benjamin Horne’ property empire-thing but they’re obviously related so allow me to do a quick run down. Josie Packard, the widow of Andrew inherited the Packard Mill. This does not sit well with Catherine Martell because Catherine is an absolute bitch of a woman and also the sister of Andrew. Catherine also treats her doting husband’ Pete with unnecessary abhorrence and she’s having an affair with Benjamin Horne. Both Benjamin and Catherine have been plotting against Josie Packard, they plan to burn the mill down so that they can get rid of Josie and expand his property empire.
Obviously Catherine is a bit pissed off with Josie seeing as Andrew met and married her in Hong Kong and then he died shortly after returning to Twin Peaks with Josie.
Benjamin and Catherine have been having middle-aged person sex at the motel while Josie is parked outside with a camera, she’s obviously on some kind of stake out.
When Cooper speaks to the one-armed man, he is no where near as intimidating as he was in Cooper’s dream. He’s a lowly travelling salesman and the only “Bob” he knows is a veterinarian, the same “Bob” that is currently in a coma and this concludes the reason as to why the one-armed man was at the hospital. See. Watching David Lynch is nothing like making a jigsaw puzzle on the International Space Station!
Was it coincidence? Obviously not, come on?! The guy is involved for fucks sake and the title of the episode is “The One-Armed Man”! Surely, a piece of this puzzle will float into space now.
Also, the one-armed man didn’t seem to be too phased by the sound of a gun shot when Deputy Andy dropped his gun, then as Andy is looking for evidence he accidentally causes the one-armed man’s suitcase to open where a load of shoes fall out… seems like typical David Lynch weirdness but there’s a reasonable explanation. They’re samples and he’s selling shoes, not so weird when you have context.
I’ve noticed that whomever directed this episode was certainly a fan of depth of field shots, a good example of this can be found in Citizen Kane. A boring old black and white movie that nobody under the age of 25 has bothered to watch. It was made by some now dead guy and blah, blah, who gives a shit. Only people that do care is pretentious art students and they only say they like Citizen Kane because a) you’re pretentious and b) you’re an art student.
If you subconsciously answered yes to both points then Citizen Kane is like, THE film, right?
Anyway, depth of field and an intelligent use of sets enables the director of this episode to play with space in a way that propels the narrative without having to skip time or scenes. It is a prime example of good directing. So, if you’re a pretentious art student then this episode of Twin Peaks is great material for an essay or you could just plagiarise my article? You won’t get a good mark but at least your tutor will know that I have made a sexy stealth archer in Skyrim so, yeah.
Have fun with that.
We return to Twin Peaks High School, probably for the first time since the first episode. And Audrey Horne enters the girl’s bathroom where she promptly lights and smokes a cigarette in such the most suggestive manner that I realise that I’m in love with a fictional character from a television show from the 90’s.
Damn you, Audrey!
Anyway, she’s talking to Donna about how she’s been looking into the Laura Palmer murder and that she wants to help Special Agent Dale Cooper so that he can whisk her away for a life of “mystery and international intrigue”. I suppose that life in Twin Peaks must bore her, it’s a small town with small town charms and she’s better than that.
I can only assume that her mischievous trait was brought on by her environment.
She yearns for excitement and so she seeks it even if it means ruining the happiness of others.
Donna is a little bit sceptical of Audrey’s intentions but Audrey demonstrates that she has thought this through.
You see, her brother, the one who is slow and wears a Native American headdress was also seeing Dr. Jacoby and that she knows that Laura was a secret patient his. Audrey also suspects that Laura worked at One Eyed Jacks with all the other attractive and wayward girls.
Apparently the girl in the coma that was supposedly present at Laura’s murder, Ronette Pulaski, also worked at the perfume counter of Audrey’ father’s department store… Laura also worked there.
You’ve got to give Audrey credit! Though her intentions aren’t always clear, she’s definitely a resourceful and intelligent budding detective and I would welcome the moment when both her and Cooper team up to find the culprit… (yeah, I know what happens etc. I’m way beyond this episode IRL #lackofwillpowerlol).
Norma Jennings, the owner of the Double R Diner looks both bored and aggravated in equal measures and this is because her husband, Hank is up for parole and she has to attend his hearing.
Norma is currently fucking Big Ed and they’re planning on eloping together, I assume that’s what they’re planning on doing since they both aspire to divorce their significant others and I doubt they want to live in sin. I mean, you gotta get married if you want to have wholesome non-sinful sex, even if it is in the arse! Big Ed sure looks like a guy who has already left his initials in tomorrow’s shit so I’m pretty sure Norma’s been crapping out semen since their first extramarital moment.
Twin Peaks doesn’t look like the kind of place where condoms are bought easily without everyone knowing.
Yeah, so it’s the fifth episode of Twin Peaks, you might as well introduce another fucking character.
Hank seems like he might be on the “dark side” of the list of characters. The dark side comprises of Bob, Leo Johnson, Benjamin Horne, Catherine Martell and… Josie Packard… really?
Okay, right, you know I’ve already seen most of this series but I do take notes when I watch these episodes. Basically, I watch the episode in its entirety and then I go back and watch it a second time with a notepad and pen.
Something seems very off with Josie and it’s not because she’s the only Asian character in a show full of white people. She’s having a relationship with Sheriff Truman that doesn’t seem entirely sincere and she’s being too nice… either she’s being set up as a victim or she’s also another femme fatale? Now, I circled her name with a red pen and I also put a question mark next to it… do you know how poignant that is? Seriously?
Something is definitely not right with her… I have a gut feeling… or had (Spoiler warning; yeah, she’s dodgy as fuck) until she got a call from Hank.
Then on the “light side” you have pretty much everyone else, though there is an obvious moral-fluidity to this series and it is not like we have a narrator or an audience perspective. No one in the cast of characters can claim to be the “viewer’s eyes”. Most TV shows usually have one, we had Scully in The X-Files; the sceptic that would always throw reality at Mulder. We had Jack from Lost; we were his eyes from the moment he opened his after the plane crash. Rick from The Walking Dead provided perspective for the audience when he awoke from his coma.
I’m not saying that they remaining being the audience perspective but whenever a new book or show is either written or produced, it is safe to include one.
I accidentally, didn’t include one in my own novel until half way through.
Some shows don’t need to include one, Star Trek included one in the first episode of Voyager in the fan-hated character of Neelix. He was the “fish out of water” used to show Starfleet’s way of life.
Sure, he was an annoying arsehole who had a girlfriend, Kes who was barely 2 years old… but he was our perspective, our eyes and Jennifer Lien played a hot 2 year old, okay!
I’m totally going to have to explain this one aren’t I?
Okay, I suppose I always throw in a Star Trek reference into my Twin Peaks “reviews”, this is no different.
Right, Kes is part of an alien species that only has a 9 year life span. They mature faster than humans so even though she is in a romantic relationship with Neelix, she’s mature enough despite being like, 2 years old, or something. It doesn’t matter, the actress thought she was hot shit and left the series and now she looks like this;
Holy shit, this review is gonna be a long one and I’m not even half way through yet! Anyway, I wanted to mention space and Star Trek Voyager is set in space so I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m totally going to brush over the scene with Shelly and Bobby… basically Bobby now has the blood covered shirt of Leo Johnson’s. Audrey pesters her dad’ Benjamin for a job… she wants to work at the perfume counter of his store. He obviously doesn’t want her working there because of “connections” etc.
Bobby leaves the blood covered shirt at a drug dealers house only to be found by Cooper and his team of now badasses after some firearm training are pressing on to find Leo Johnson who is now their prime suspect.
Benjamin meets with Leo and stuff happens.
Sorry guys but the dragons have come back to Skyrim and I’m a fucking “Dragonborn(TM)” alright?! I need to fight those dragons and I need to level up so I can improve my sexy stealth arching and shit.
I give this episode… erm… 5 (insert Skyrim reference here) out of 5.
The Skyrim reference is sweet rolls… it’s sweet rolls;