Twin Peaks “Rest in Pain” Episode 4

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Welcome to another “review”, “retrospective”… I suppose you could call them reviews? After all, I do conclude each article with an arbitrary rating of the episode in question… I guess this is a good segue talk about review scores.
Yes, let’s talk about review scores before I get to the highly nutritious meaty portion of this article.
We start our story in 1984, the year of my birth and a time when we all wore grey jumpsuits and John Hurt freaked the fuck out whilst wearing a fancy rat-cage on his head. Fashion in the 80’s was nuts back then.
Newsfield Publications launched Crash Magazine, it was a monthly publication that was totally dedicated to the awesome ZX Spectrum “home computer” (as we used to call them). Oh and ALL THIS was just open fields back then, Sainsburys was still called J Sainsburys and Liverpool would be Champions of The Football League (something they haven’t done since 1990… because they suck).

 


Crash Magazine used to review shitty old Spectrum games with an absolute mind-boggling modulus system. Allow me to explain with this prime example of a review for the role-playing game; Dun Darach by Gargoyle Games. Crash Magazine scored it, a very high 97%. Though I’m guessing Crash Magazine scored it highly as a result of the game paying reference to Newsfield Publications’ headquarters. One of the level screens featured the name of the street that Crash was produced. An odd little homage to the popular publication of that time.
Either that or the programmers were telling Crash Magazine, in a subtle way, that they knew where they lived and if they scored Dun Darach badly then they’re going go all medieval on their arses with their fantasy swords.
Now, a 97% scores relatively normal for a product of high quality and there is no doubt that Gargoyle Games did indeed, produce a good product (not bad for a team of two guys) but that score of 97% comprised of six elements, calculated as a mean average.

For example, here is a section of the review:

General rating: An excellent value for money game which has a lot of scope coupled with brilliant scenario and graphics. Truly a mega game.

Use of computer: 85%
Graphics: 96%
Playability: 89%
Getting started: 91%
Addictive qualities: 97%
Value for money: 94%
Overall: 97%

Now, I don’t know about you but how the fuck can the “Use of computer” be only 85%? I mean, the game required all of a standard ZX Spectrum’s memory! Dun Darach required 48 kilobytes and most ZX Spectrums had 48 kilobytes. If you had an older machine, you wouldn’t even be able to run this supposed “mega game”!
Okay, some of the other percentages kinda make sense… actually no they don’t! For starters, how the hell can you equate “Getting started” to 91%? Does “Getting started” involve sticking the tape into the player and waiting fifteen minutes for the thing to load?
As for Addictive qualities, go to any rehabilitation clinic and I doubt that they have a modulus scale for hard drugs. Could you imagine a care worker telling you that cocaine is “85%” addictive whereas heroin is “90%”?
Then if you do the maths, this overall score of “97%” is just utter bullshit because I worked out the mean average of those 6 aspects and I got 92!
Dun Darach should have been scored as an overall of 92%! Not ninety-fucking-seven!
My point being is that, if one particular publication from nearly 33 years ago could legitimately score a product in such a way then why can’t I just make shit up?

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So, Audrey Horne is waiting for Special Agent Dale Cooper at the The Great Northern Hotel. Our man’ Cooper seems to relish routine and whereas he can often be poetic, he can also be concise. He’s a man that knows what he wants and he seems to always be one step ahead of everyone apart from the mysterious killer. When he orders a pie, he knows exactly how he likes it and when he drinks his coffee, he does so in a manner of a twat you find at a wine tasting-thingy (I’ve never been invited to a wine tasting evening).
Audrey is dressed in seductive red, her face is made up and she looks like the product of the 1950’s, there’s not much in the way of late 80’s / early 90’s fashion sense and this is definitely a good thing. In contemporary shows, women all have the same hairstyle. Watch any show that has been produced recently and every woman has this hairstyle that goes all curly at the bottom but is also straight at the top. Why, why is that?
Actually, I think I’ve figured it out! Allow me to “mansplain” it, you see filmmaking takes a long time and sometimes the production schedule may require a scene to be shot out of sequence with the chronology of the narrative. So, having a hairstyle that is curly at the bottom reduces the risk of continuity errors. Fuck knows if that’s true or not, but it makes sense.
Anyway, Audrey is eagerly waiting for Cooper, just so she can flirt-like-fuck, though I’m at odds here. Is her infatuation just a “schoolgirl” crush (Sherilyn Fenn was 25 at the time of the shooting and yet she’s playing a high school student), or does she have some kind of agenda that we, the audience, are not privy too yet?

I made a mention of the slip of paper that Cooper discovered in the last episode. In that scene, he read it, sniffed the paper and smiled. Now we know why.
Cooper comments on Audrey’s perfume, it’s almost as if he is reciprocating her flirtatious advancements. He then asks her to write her name on a slip of paper while he checks the note he received for comparison.
He calls her up on the whole One Eyed Jack note that she left and she admits that she left it there to help the Special Agent. Even though she wasn’t friends with Laura Palmer, she states that she knew “her the best”. This layer cake of mystery has just laid yet another tier but it’s nice to know that this series does provide answers to the already stated questions. In fact, this episode does answer some nice little mini-mysteries as we lead on to the halfway point of season one.
But for now we have been left with another little detail; Laura Palmer worked with the escaped rape victim from episode one, the one who is still in some kind of TV coma or something. Apparently, Laura and Ronette Pulaski (coma-girl) both worked at the perfume counter at Audrey’s father’s department store. Cooper now knows of the Canadian brothel that Audrey’s father also frequents with his brother. Could this mean that both Laura Palmer and Ronette Pulaski worked at One Eyed Jacks as well? The signs all point to yes but this is Twin Peaks after all!
Sheriff Truman and Lucy enter this scene, Cooper flirts with Audrey before he asks her to leave because he has official police business. It is now apparent that Truman was the person that Cooper rang the previous night, straight after his crazy, crazy dream.
Truman is eager to find out what Cooper knows but instead, Cooper wants to tell the Sheriff and Lucy about his dream. Truman presumes the content of Cooper’s dream and says “Tibet?”.
The Special Agent then goes on to explain his dream but mentions that he forgot who the killer was, instead his dream is a code or something.
“Break the code. Solve the crime.” He re-iterates.
Amusingly, Lucy dictates this with almost child-like enthusiasm.

The next scene involves Sheriff Truman punching Albert Rosenfield, you see, Rosenfield is played by Miguel Ferrer and Miguel Ferrer always plays arseholes that you would want to punch. Apparently, Rosenfield is a forensics expert and he wants to drill Laura’s brain and speculum’ the fuck out of that corpse just so he can find more clues as to who killed her. Surprisingly, he finds a lot! He even comments that, if he had more time to examine her (she was due to be buried and Truman lost his cool with Rosenfield’s attitude), then he would have found a lot more clues.
I like this because Rosenfield is an absolute bastard but he is also absolutely right.
He has no connection to the victim, he’s pragmatic and all he cares about is doing his job efficiently so that Cooper has more evidence and clues to go on.
I’m seriously loving the characters in this show, they’re interesting and exceptionally dynamic.
Another fine example of this can be found in the characters of Big Ed, played by Everett McGill, who also featured in David Lynch’s Dune and also featured in the awesome film’ Quest for Fire and his wife’ Nadine, Wendy Robie… she played a Cardassian scientist on Star Trek Deep Space Nine… in an episode that was pretty forgettable. Oh well, she does mostly stage work anyway.

Interesting fact! The Cardassians made their debut in the Star Trek The Next Generation’s 86th episode; The Wounded in 1991. Three years before Robert Kardashian rose to prominence during Orange Juice Simpson’s 1994 murder trial. Any connection to the Kardashians and the Cardassians is pure homonym only and there is no fucking conspiracy.
I’ve looked and there is no connection.
Though I still blame Kim Kardashian for the terrible occupation of Bajor and the oppression of the Bajoran people.

7

Digressing back to Twin Peak… Big Ed and Nadine, so while I have poked fun at their dynamic as a comic-relief double act and I even mentioned in previous parts that eye-patch wearing’ Nadine is bonkers as fuck, there is no denying a sense of tragedy. When Ed is around Nadine, he looks off into the distance with guilty resentment.
Then in this scene where Nadine can barely remember her nephew’s name (James the Biker) that I realise that she isn’t “bonkers as fuck” she’s slowly becoming afflicted with a degenerative mental health condition.
She’s grasping onto Big Ed and says; “I used to watch Norma and you at those football games. She was so pretty. And you made such a handsome couple. But I knew, even though I was just a little nobody, just a little brown mouse, I always knew inside, once you got to know me, we’d be together forever”
And as viewers, we know that Big Ed is having an affair with Norma.
Poor Nadine!
All she’s got now is fucking silent runners for her drapes! Oh, and ornaments – she appears to have painted eye patches on her ornaments.

When I first started watching Twin Peaks, I assumed it was just a murder mystery. I knew it would be weird and this is by reputation alone, but I didn’t know that this series would have such an excellent ensemble or tragic characters. Though the acting can be slightly off-kilter and could be described as pretty campy, the characters live and breathe. We end up caring about them and as we reach the midway mark of the season one, what will happen when we draw closer to solving this mystery?
There’s more to these people than their odd idiosyncrasies, they each have their own agendas and they’re not certainly divulging their secrets. I’m also aware that we shouldn’t judge these characters at first glance alone. What are they hiding?
Most of the cast, if not all major characters are in attendance of Laura Palmer’s funeral and after the eulogy, Bobby decides it’s appropriate to chastise everyone. Blaming everybody for Laura’s death. How much of that is true is open to interpretation and who knows? Maybe the killer is in their midst?

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“What are you looking at? What are you waiting for? You make me sick. You damn hypocrites make me sick! Everybody knew she was in trouble, but we didn’t do anything. All you good people. You want to know who killed Laura? You did! We all did. And pretty words aren’t gonna bring her back, so save your prayers. She would have laughed at them, anyway.”

Obviously, there is more to Laura Palmer than the girl that everybody loved. She had a dark side but how much of that side played a part in her death?
Bobby’s nemesis’ James doesn’t appreciate Bobby’s outburst and the two run at each other in slow motion. They fight but they’re pried apart by Cooper, et al.
Then Ray Wise collapses onto the coffin and cries as the coffin lowering device (the real actual term for these things) breaks under his weight and so the coffin lowers and rises with Ray on top. This moment is played for laughs. This is demonstrated in the following scene where Shelly is explaining the scene to two old men who laugh as she acts it out in a comedic fashion.

 

Remaining in the Double R Diner, Cooper is sat with Big Ed, Hawk and Sheriff Truman.
They’re about to let Cooper in on their secret society; the Bookhouse Boys… yeah, it sounds incredibly lame but it’s time to go on an RPG-style Sidequest(TM) and so they bring Cooper to their lame Bookhouse Boys clubhouse where Cooper discovers that James is also part of this super lame secret society.
Truman explains Twin Peaks to Cooper; “there’s a sort of evil out there…something very, very strange in these old woods. Call it what you will, a darkness, a presence. It takes many forms, But it’s been there for as long as anyone can remember. And we’ve always been here to fight it. The men before us, the ones before them…the ones after we’re gone.”
In the Bookhouse is the brother of the drug dealer that Cooper and Truman are searching for. This drug dealer has ties to Leo Johnson and considering that Leo is their prime suspect, they need to find this drug dealer for some reason? I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention.
Regardless, Cooper then decides to spy on that creepy psychiatrist and that psychiatrist is a one, Dr. Jacoby and he’s dressed like a New Age exorcist as he delivers flowers to Laura’s grave.
Cooper presses Jacoby for information and surprisingly the psychiatrist comes off as not creepy at all. He just really wanted to help Laura Palmer… apparently, Laura Palmer was seriously fucked in the head.
There are also some other “plot-things” but some threads are just not as compelling as others. I believe it would be worth looking over the entire series as a whole if only to see the relevance of some of these meandering plot points.
I also sense that there is a slight paranormal aspect that is slowly working its way into the narrative.

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Overall, I have no idea how this series will end.
I’m also well aware that there is a third season on the horizon and I’m not even on the second one yet!

General rating: Some weird shit happened, I was entertained.

Use of time: 33%
Visuals: 78%
Watchability: 92%
Getting started: 57%
Addictive qualities: 99%
Value for money: 84%
Overall:  Double Cheese Burger

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Twin Peaks “Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer” Episode 3

In my last review, I made a ridiculous amount of spurious claims regarding the life of Twin Peaks co-creator’ Mark Frost. I didn’t even go off on a tangent about how Mark Frost also was a screenwriter for the David Jason-starring detective show; A Touch of Frost.

So, yeah, A Touch of Frost was a show that ran from 1992 and through to 2010. Mark Frost adapted R. D. Wingfield’s novels and thus an entire generation fell out of love with Del Boy.
Where was Nicholas Lyndhurst? Probably off having an extramarital affair with a woman who might end up being his own mother because of… time travel!
Actually, that is a perfect segue towards a little-known fact!
Time travel made Twin Peaks possible! Yes, this is very true.
You see, in 1955 a DeLorean with the optional extra of a time traveling device known as a Flux Capacitor crashed into one of the mountains that would eventually give the township its name.
So, there you have it. Twin Peaks could have been called Tri Peaks. This is all thanks to Christopher Lloyd and his ability to convert any vehicle into a time machine like, I don’t know? A fucking DeLorean or even a Klingon Bird of Prey (though, that was posthumous because Kirk kicked him off a styrofoam cliff… I kid you not, seriously. Christopher Lloyd played a Klingon in Star Trek III and Kirk ended up using Lloyd’s spaceship to travel back to 1986 to pilfer some whales from Sea World. What is it with Christopher Lloyd and time travel?!).
Enough about crazy old man Doc Brown.
Back to the scheduled Twin Peaks “review” and enough of the niche sci-fi references.

On to Walter Hill references! Have you ever seen that movie’ The Warriors? There’s a scene where the bad guy has little bottles on his fingers and he’s shouting; “Warriors, come out to play!” It’s an odd scene and I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be intimidating but here he is in Twin Peaks and he’s crashing his brother’s dinner time with some exceptionally good sandwiches.
Allow me to provide some context to the scene.
Audrey Horne is having a very, very quiet dinner with her father, mother and Native American headdress wearing bro. When her father’s own bro decides to introduce the family to some rather phallic sandwiches of the baguette variety and boy, does Ben Horne love his brother’s baguette!
It’s such a strange scene because his brother is called Jerry, why is that strange you ask?
Well, why not ice cream?
It’s like David Lynch is afraid of that extra ad revenue. He could have product-placed the fuck out with Ben and Jerry Ice Cream but instead he insisted that the catering company make the blandest looking sandwiches this side of 1990’s Soviet Russia (the news at the time was obsessed with people queuing for bread… why didn’t they watch Twin Peaks? Sheesh! Get it together, Russia!).
So, Ben leaves his family to maniacally eat sandwiches with Jerry. His wife hangs her head in shame and with this unhinged family atmosphere… it’s no wonder that Audrey Horne is absolutely mental. But Jerry insists on taking Ben to a Canadian brothel because we all know that Canadian brothels are the best.
They have themed brothels, Christopher Lloyd brothels, chips, cheese and gravy brothels. But this brothel has a white brothel madam called ‘Blackie’… Jesus Christ David Lynch! You missed a trick with the product placement and now this?!
One Eyed Jack’s casino-cum-brothel has an Alice in Wonderland-theme, I guess? And I swear one of the whores is Tara Reid, maybe not? But just like Tara Reid’s age; you’ll never know!
Anyway, One Eye Jack is a term given to a specific playing card in a deck, namely the Queen of Spades… you would think that it would be a King, right? Well, we’re both wrong.
So, we already knew that Ben Horne is a tremendous womaniser but now we know that this brothel is a place that probably has some kind of plot significance later on.
The whores are all dressed like sexy playing cards or twats… take your pick.

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We next revisit James and Donna, they’re both in love and feeling really guilty because Laura Palmer was in love with James, probably and Donna was her BFF etc. So, I’m so bored of this plot. It’s such a retread from the last two episodes, I get it! For fuck’s sake, I know they both think they’re betraying the late-Laura Palmer but just get on with it. Nobody gives a fuck, we just want Special Agent Dale Cooper…

Fortunately for the viewer, we cut to The Great Northern Hotel. Cooper enters his room as if he were in some shitty sitcom. I was half expecting a studio audience to whoop and cheer as if he were Al Bundy but alas, Cooper merely blows on a whistle (maybe a duck caller since this is a hunting lodge?) and he receives a call from Native American’ Deputy Hawk. In the previous episode, he followed a man with one arm and lost him in the morgue. I didn’t bother mentioning that because I was too busy typing utter bullshit… anyway, the one-armed man seems to be plot relevant as well so it looks like Twin Peaks is actually progressing a cohesive plot after all.

Oh, how wrong was I by the time I finished this episode!

Someone knocks on Cooper’s door but when he opens said door, no one is there. Instead, he finds a note, it’s cryptic but we know what the note means. “Jack With One Eye”… could this bare relevance to the Canadian playing card-themed brothel?
Probably.

2

I’m starting to worry that for the readers whom never had watched Twin Peaks, all this might seem like a convoluted mess of weirdness for weirdness sake and I certainly haven’t helped the situation so I’m going to give a quick breakdown of everything that has happened so far.
Dale Cooper is a Special Agent with the FBI. He’s investigating the murder of a young girl called Laura Palmer. Laura had a boyfriend called Bobby and Bobby’s best friend looks a bit like Eric Stoltz. Laura cheated on Bobby with a guy called James but that’s okay, Bobby cheated on Laura with a girl called Shelly. Shelly is married to an abusive trucker called Leo. Leo is also a big-time drug dealer and Bobby buys drugs from Leo. Bobby also owes $10,000 to Leo but that money has now been confiscated by the police because it was found in Laura’s safety deposit box.
Digressing back to James, James has an uncle called Big Ed. Big Ed’s wife is fucking crazy and is obsessed with having silent runners for her drapes. Big Ed is also cheating on his wife with a waitress who works with Shelly.
Fuck, I’m only halfway there with all these sexy shenanigans… that should give at least some context to the next sense.
Bobby and Not-Eric Stoltz are going to get some cocaine from a hollowed-out tree because this ain’t the hood, this is Twin Peaks mutha fucka!
They’re talking about Leo because they’re both a bit worried that they don’t have his money and Leo is supposed to be this really intimidating guy, right. So, they’re in the middle of the woods and they find an American football in a tree with only half the amount of drugs that they were expecting. Leo is like, “Hi guys! I’m in the woods as well and I have a gun so don’t mess with me!”
Both Bobby and Not-Eric shit themselves, not literally, this isn’t John Waters, it’s David Lynch (and Mark Frost but nobody cares about him) and Leo is real pissed that they don’t have his money. He’s also real pissed because he knows his wife is cheating on him but he doesn’t know with who?
Bobby then asks in the least subtle manner, “Do you know who? I mean, it’s not me bro. I would never do that, honest. You know it couldn’t be me, right? I would never come between you and your woman dawg. Do… do you know who. It. Might. Be?” He coughs and clears his throat, sweat dripping from his forehead, anxiety is reaching fever pitch, “Man, I swear… like, if I knew who she was cheating on you with, I would definitely tell you. I mean that, seriously dude. I didn’t know she was cheating on you but it’s not me, man. No sir, it’s definitely not me. I would never do anything like that to you. Never. Cross my heart and hope to die.” He clears his throat once more, “Do you? By any chance? Have any er… any idea of who it might be? Because, it’s not me… you can definitely scratch my name of your list of people your wife might be fucking!”
I’ve taken liberties, that isn’t an actual quote but it could’ve been!

Meanwhile, Big Ed has returned home, he’s completely covered in engine oil. It’s a like the aftermath of a Thomas the Tank Engine bukkake party and he’s the one in the middle. Now, while I muse over the logistical nightmare of a train, actually being able to masturbate I think it’s time for an amazing fact for today:

Did you know that the Back to the Future’ DeLorean was designed by Andrew Probert? You did? Well, did you know that he also designed the Enterprise for Star Trek The Next Generation?
What a fun fact!

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Anyway, back to Big Ed and his lame attempt to bypass his crazy wife’s idiosyncrasies. He ends up disrupting her rowing machine work out when he accidentally tramples on her drape runners. She’s left them on the floor for plot convenience and he inadvertently drops a bit of grease onto said runners. Now, this is very important later… the serendipitous oil ejaculate actually lubricates the runners and thus, completely silent drape runners are born.
Some of the best inventions in history were usually the result of serendipity.
Post-It Notes, for example.
But prior to discovering this, Big Ed’s wife yells at him; “I was up all night working on that invention! I was going to make the world’s first completely silent drape runner! Ed you make me sick!”
Other than being completely mental, she exhibits some remarkable strength. She totally bends the metal handles of her rowing machine and if this detail isn’t brought up later then I will be woefully disappointed. I’m hoping she becomes a superhero, like a half-blind Jessica Jones or Superman with a vagina.
It’s a fun scene and though I always assumed that Twin Peaks was a murder mystery, the mystery really is… what the fuck am I watching!?

Hey, Bobby has gone to visit Shelly because, why not, I guess? She’s afraid of Leo and his abusive tendencies. Christ, he beat her with a bar of soap-in-a-sock in the last episode. No wonder she’s afraid of him. But Bobby is insistent, he barges in and tries to comfort her by saying that if Leo ever tries to do that again, he’s dead! It seems that Bobby has lowered his theatrics in this episode, a shame really because I really liked his West Side Story bullshit.
Apologies if I gloss over this scene but I haven’t even reached the two most awesome scenes in this episode yet.

“Following a dream I had three years ago, I have become deeply moved by the plight of the Tibetan people, and have been filled with a desire to help them. I also awoke from the same dream realizing that I had subconsciously gained knowledge of a deductive technique, involving mind-body coordination operating hand-in-hand with the deepest level of intuition.” Says Special Agent Dale Cooper to his colleagues from the Sheriff Department.
The whole gang is there, Sheriff Truman, Deputy Hawk, Deputy Andy and Lucy but they’re not at the Sheriff’s Department. They’re in the middle of the woods, with a massive blackboard, a table with fresh coffee and donuts.
They’re all on a cute little field trip and Cooper wants to teach them his special deductive technique… this involves throwings stones at a bottle until the bottle breaks.
On the blackboard is a list of every character that has a letter J in their name because Laura mentioned it in her diary… Yeah…
In Lucy’s hand is a stick of chalk and Cooper has instructed her to cross off the name if he misses.
It’s a nice scene that helps the viewer to remember some of the key players in this bizarre show.
Truman reads the names out, one by one. Cooper plucks a stone from a bucket being held by Deputy Hawk, it’s worth mentioning that Hawk is also wearing oven gloves while he holds the bucket. Because, why not?
The bottle eventually breaks when Leo Johnson’s name is mentioned.
I’ve adopted this form of abstract reasoning and have assimilated this technique into many facets of my day to day life. Usually when it becomes prudent to make some sort of important decision.
My family came from a long tradition of stoning and generally throwing stones at things.
We used to stone wayward women and sick children centuries ago and we were so good at it that we adopted the surname; “Stoner”. Seriously, I kid you not!
Try it, it’s fun!
I love this woodland scene where logic has been buried in a shallow grave, there’s no reason for them to be in the woods. How did they get that large black board there? Did Cooper make a conscious decision to bring oven gloves? Why don’t the real police utilise this technique?
But overall, it is a generally fun scene that is not only informative but it is also entertaining and very funny albeit in an abstract way.
It also cements the idea that these characters from the Sheriff’s Department are in essence, a family.
The scene also gives us our first real, prime suspect even though it is blatantly obvious that Leo isn’t the killer. He’s an arsehole, sure, but he didn’t kill Laura Palmer.
I haven’t finished watching the entire series yet but I’m guessing we have yet to even see the actual killer on screen.
Or have we?

3

Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne) is back again and this time she attracts the attention of Donna.
Donna and her family are having breakfast at the diner where Shelly and Big Ed’s lover works. Audrey wanders over to the jukebox and plays her song, it’s that sleepy melodic jazz number that usually plays whenever she is on screen. Some of the big players in Twin Peaks have their own theme song and Audrey’s the one that sticks in my mind the most. Mainly because I’m a little bit in love with 1990’ Sherilyn Fenn but also because it sums up this series.
As Audrey puts it; “God, I love this music… isn’t it too dreamy?”
Twin Peaks feels like that dream you forget the moment you wake up. You can remember places and people but everything is nonsensical and utterly convoluted.
So, Donna speaks to Audrey, Audrey is flirting with a mug of black coffee.
She asks Donna if she likes coffee and then Audrey goes on to explain why she likes coffee; “you see… Agent Cooper loves coffee.” Audrey has an obvious crush on our favourite FBI Agent.
If there are any girls reading this and you look like 1990’ Sherilyn Fenn please, please leave a comment.
We can get nude and stuff genitals into other genitals until stuff gets messy.
I’m romantic like that!

So, I was thinking… do you know what would make this show even better? Maybe, introduce another fucking character!
Enter Miguel Ferrer’s, Agent Albert Rosenfield. Miguel Ferrer is one of those actors you recognise but can never really pinpoint which film you’ve seen him in. He usually plays some arsehole politician or government agent and in this show he plays an arsehole government agent. He bursts into the Sheriff’s Department, he believes everyone is a dumb hick and basically insults everyone with his arsehole demeanour. Sheriff Truman lays the verbal smackdown and Agent Rosenfield leaves… probably to return in another episode.
Cooper gives his dorky thumbs up at the Sheriff.

An episode of Twin Peaks isn’t one worth watching unless Laura’s “mom” has a savage emotional breakdown. Some actors have a signature “move”, some can vomit on cue, some can juggle or sing and others can have entertaining emotional breakdowns. Now, this makes me sound callous but I think David Lynch has a way of including humour where there shouldn’t be any. The scene in question involves Ray Wise, he puts on an incredibly happy song and then he starts dancing with Laura’s homecoming queen photo. “Mom” tries to wrestle the photo frame from him but the glass breaks and Ray Wise cries while smearing his blood onto the picture of his now dead daughter. “Mom” screams while pulling at her hair.
It should be a heart-wrenching scene but the music and the acting just leaves you in fits of laughter and this isn’t a result of a lack in quality (like those so-bad-they’re-good types of films), David Lynch has masterfully constructed this scene to be funny and that is why he’s the mother fucking director.
It is also worth mentioning that I think Ray Wise actually and accidentally cut his hand and that the blood he smears on his dead daughters’ image is real blood.

And like all good three course meals (this is the third episode, after all), we’ve had a brilliant starter with Ben and Jerry (wait, that should be dessert?!) and silent runners, the main course of woodland stone-throwing deductions and Ray Wise being Ray Wise but what’s the best part of a three course meal?
Dessert of course and this episode ends with one hell of a scene.
This episode is obviously the quintessential episode of Twin Peaks and it is probably because of the following;
The baffling dream sequence.
Who shot Mister Burns? Remember that episode of The Simpsons when Chief Wiggum has a dream involving Lisa Simpson and she’s talking backwards… yeah, Twin Peaks totally ripped off The Simpsons but that’s okay.
Everyone does.
So, Kyle MacLachlan looks like a middle-aged lesbian now but back in 1990 he was covered in old-age make-up for a weird dream sequence that goes on for nearly ten minutes.
He’s seated in a red room and celebrity dwarf’ Micheal J. Anderson is doing his best Micheal J. Fox impression by shaking uncontrollably.
But before we can watch this dwarf dance, allow me to present yet another fun fact!

4

Did you know that Micheal J. Anderson portrayed Brothers Grimm character’ Rumpelstiltskin in Star Trek Deep Space Nine? It was an episode called “If Wishes Were Horses” and it was also the 16th episode of that shows’ first season. It was also the 270th produced Star Trek episode and it was directed by Robert Legato who is usually a visual effects supervisor and his credits include; Titanic, Avatar, Some Harry Potter Movie, Loads of Martin Scorsese films, Cast Away and many, many more!

“Through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see. One chance out between two worlds, fire walk with me.” Says Mike, the man with one arm.
The first two minutes of the dream sequence focuses mostly on the man with one arm, he’s been present in every episode but he’s easy to miss. He’s speaking cryptically about a tattoo he had on his left arm, how he met the face of God and he speaks of Bob, the man that Laura’s “mom” saw in her own dream. He’s a gangly man with long grey hair. Mike even cut off his own arm, apparently. “One chance out between two worlds, fire walk with me.”
Ooooohh, yeah! “Fire Walk With Me!” That was written on the piece of paper found at the murder scene. Then Bob appears and he threatens the audience, he’s going to “catch you with my death bag! You may think I’ve gone insane… But I promise! I will kill again!”
Completely unlike the previous scenes, this dream sequence is genuinely creepy. He also briefly see Laura’s “mom” run down her stairs, Bob at the foot of Laura’s bed and Laura’s corpse and all the while Dale Cooper is asleep in his bed.
We return to old man Cooper, sitting in the red room with Laura Palmer and the dwarf. The dwarf and indeed, Laura both speak in reverse but the scene was filmed with actors acting in reverse then reversed, in-versed or adversed, whatever… anyway, the dwarf is as cryptic as one-armed’ Mike, he talks about Laura being his cousin and that Dale Cooper’s favourite chewing gum will be coming back. Apparently, the woman sitting next to Micheal J. Anderson isn’t Laura Palmer but looks like her? Then Laura speaks in in-versed, reversed, whatever, it’s all weird as fuck.
Then it hits me! Jesus, Micheal J. Anderson looks like Maisie Williams, you know? That girl with the weird shaped head from Game of Thrones (a show I have no intention of actually watching).
The dwarf dances like a dick and Laura goes over to Cooper, leans over and kisses him before whispering something in his ear. All the while, the dwarf dances to sleezy jazz.
Cooper wakes up and instantly makes a phone call… apparently he knows who the killer is!

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Probably Bob, right? It’s Bob. Bob caught Laura with his deathbag and I didn’t even need to stone a bottle to figure that out…

Overall, this has been one epic, long arse “review”. It’s nearly half the length of a fucking dissertation and if you read this all the way to the end, then yeah, good for you.
You obviously have more free time than this fucking loser.

I give this episode 10 Back to Future references out of 10.
And you know who Marty McFly is?
It’s Not Eric Stoltz!

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